AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

He's an adult.
He's a father of three.

He doesn't get to walk out because he's overwhelmed.
He doesn't get to demand a break at your expense.
He doesn't get to delegate parenting.

Whatever the nature of your family life, he has a responsibility he doesn't get to check out of.

I think you need to be angry rather than hurt tbh

What would happen to your kids if you’d also decided you’d had enough and couldn’t take it any more? Of course, it’s almost always men as opposed to women who think they can just walk away from their responsibilities.

You don’t need to share every detail but as pp there’s a massive difference in behaviours related to additional needs and those due to passive parenting

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP. Whatever the reason behind it he owes you an explanation and to be communicating with you about a path forward. As pp suggests above, find a neutral calm space and ask him some direct questions.

I think this too. My boys are 13 and 10 and I have a 5 year old dd and they don’t behave like that in restaurants anymore. It sounds like there could be wider behaviour problems.

It doesnt really matter how chaotic or badly behaved they are. They are his children and his responsibility, their behaviour is up to him to manage, you can't just decide you can't manage family life anymore and up and leave. It's so incresibly self centred to think he can just leave and expect you to cope

I would be furious.

I think so too. The comments about OW and that he's such a dick to walk out are silly considering there was a restaurant scene where he lost it in public and seemed really overwhelmed at the same time. For now, I think OP should focus on her husband's mental health. If there's an OP it will come out in time, but it does sound more like a breakdown than anything. I would find that concerning in case he was tempted to do something stupid. I hope OP is able to get him some help and that he is able to get signed off work for a month or something.

I think you need to be more angry than sad. He can’t cope but he’s quite happy for you to. If he’d have said sorry, I need a few days away then I could see his point but to just leave you in the lurch is unacceptable. Why wasn’t he reminding his children before you all went out he expects them to rein in the noise/behaviour to an acceptable level? Instead he behaved like an uncontrollable child himself. Don’t dismiss an OW, she might not be real at the moment but he might be considering it and laying the groundwork.

It is terrible that is just left like that, because he cannot cope, so l will leave you to it, kind of thing. There is alot more going on that he has not shared with you. I would ask to meet in a coffee shop or wherever you both feel most comfortable and try and get to the bottom of it. Your children will start asking questions. Every single member of your immediate family matters, just as he does. Whatever is happening to your dh, you have a right to know & see if it can be sorted. I wish you the very best 💗

That's quite pertinent to your post though, as PP have said, that behaviour at your son's ages isn't acceptable unless there are additional needs at play.

And it makes it even worse that your H has left you to deal with three additional needs kids on your own, I'm sorry, YANBU to be incredibly hurt.

Name changed.
About three years ago, I had a breakdown. It was a combination of on/off depression, work stress and a recent, serious medical diagnosis. At the time, I walked away from my children, leaving them with their dad (separated, but a very hands on 50/50 parent.) I walked away because I was scared I would hurt them and because I honestly just believed I had nothing to offer as a parent. They'd be better off without me.

Thankfully, I got help and everything is now grand.

So he might be having an affair. He might be a shit parent who can't be arsed with family life. And if he is, then yeah, he's a shitbag. But from the way OP describes things, it sounds like he's in the midst of some kind of breakdown or crisis. It's ringing a lot of bells with me. That's how I'd be approaching things at this stage.

Do you even know where he is OP? You sound very passive. You need to get lines of communication open, it's the only way you'll figure out what's going on.

You already are airing your dirty laundry. If you leave out important details - for example why your DC are chaos - it’s inevitable that PPs (the ones you’re asking for input from) will ask or fill in the gaps. Your DC having additional needs is very different from naughty children you have failed to teach how to behave in a restaurant.

Either way, it’s likely your DH would have had a hand in their parenting and it’s unfair to leave this chaotic life to you.

First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening

When I read this I was sympathetic assuming they were young children, say 3yo and 5yo but then looked back and saw 8/10/13yo. Providing no SN (and then if so, you just don’t attempted the restaurant if they are tired or having a bad day and yes, we had this), then this is ridiculous. Why on earth would you put up with children this age mucking around at a restaurant. Do they act like this otherwise?

Interesting to read so many assumptions that the home life is chaotic and the children are badly behaved but apparently none of this is their father's and husband's responsibility.

Oh so it’s too much but he expects you to just do it?! Without him?! What the.

I would tell him this isn’t acceptable and he needs to come back and talk about this.

As a parent of 3 boys, I get it- it’s tough! The chaos, the arguments between themselves, the running around between activities and having to work and juggle…. It’s a lot! A holiday being anything but a holiday as 3 kids need looking after! But if he can’t cope with it, where’s the support for you? He can’t just leave you to it! It’s completely unfair. Is he intending to take them out and give you a break at any point? Life might be harder for him when he has them on his own a certain amount of time each week!

Hope you’re ok OP ❤️

It sounds like he's struggling, OP. I think he should see his GP and get screened for depression/anxiety/burnout. That restaurant scene was someone who was at the end of his tether.

You know, if it's all too much for him then what has he been doing to improve the situation? Or does he expect you to handle it so he can eat in peace like he did that night? There's a lot of context missing so it's quite hard to say anything but ultimately if he's overwhelmed and struggling it's his responsibility first and foremost to deal with that and behave responsibility both towards himself and his family. Expecting you to just handle all this isn't on.

Ok, so maybe hes stressed or depressed and this is just the final straw in whichcase he needs help... counselling, anti depressants.. something

BUT people are responsible for their behaviour regardless of their feelings he made 3 children and walking out isnt really acceptable. If its over how will he manage them alone? Hes lucky he has you to be lone parenting as he tantrums off.

I think you need to talk to him, where's he gone? Will he be back? When? Whats caused this? What does he want? And from there think about your plan going forward

I am sorry OP you are not being unreasonable for feeling like you do.

Well isn’t he the lucky one who thinks life is too chaotic and can just walk out! It happened to my friend but their kids were older at least. You are honestly better off without a man like that. Squeeze him financially for all he is worth.

We don’t know if chaos is an exaggeration from your husband and normal activity levels from a family of 5 or if things are actual chaos in your home. This is a discussion forum where posters have described genuine chaos in their homes so without details, people are going to want to know more. If you don’t want to discuss your kids then that’s fine but this is the internet so people will ask for details that they consider important.

So where is he ? in a hotel ? at his mother's house? sleeping on a mate's sofa?

Sorry this is happening. He is being really immature though. You can’t just walk away from responsibility when it’s too much. It reflects badly on your commitment. My DH used to put his head in his hands on the table and stay down there like an ostrich for 10 or 15 minutes when we were all out as a family, and he couldn’t take it. I always felt that seemed a bit of a weak response to life and it got some funny looks. He also said he’d leave the home when DS got difficult, just to get away from it, which I also considered an inadequate response to parenting. These guys have to live with themselves. And maybe by themselves.

Ah that's just fine ... I'd be telling him to get home on x as it's his turn to look after his children. I'd go stay with a relative for anything upto a week.

Why should you have to do it all alone?