AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

Absolutely sadly.

So there are two recent diagnoses of ADHD, three boisterous boys, and there is the grief of a daughter having passed away a few years ago. No wonder he's overwhelmed. Maybe he's still grieving or perhaps something has triggered his grief again, like a close friend having a daughter.

I am so sorry you went through that, OP.

I also think OW. The boys are not toddlers, surely he’s lived with the chaos of parenting for years. So what changed? I would do some digging.

Why are people making excuses for him and it seems almost blaming the OP for the "chaos" the boys behaviour brings? They are his childten to, he has raised them!
I can almost guarantee there is another woman who was more than likely giving him a hard time for being away with his wife on a family holiday.

This.

Not everyone's MH crisis is the same. They're not one size fits all.

Dh and I have a child with additional needs who has some difficult behaviours . It’s taken a huge toll on our relationship as at times we both feel overwhelmed. My guess based on what you have said is that he’s struggled for a long time, buried his feelings rather than dealt with them and it all blew up in that moment and now he’s in fight or flight mode so he’s panicking and he’s left. It’s hard to think rationally when you feel in a state of panic.
What you need to do now is think about what you want, do you want him to come back? You also need to tentatively think about what might happen if he doesn’t come back, can you afford the house? Would you need to change your job? How would you manage?
Good luck op I hope you get the outcome you want, if he does come back I’d want him to engage in some therapy and learn to accept the life he has.

Wtf did he expect when he signed up for 3 boys? Of course its gonna be hectic. Its family life, normal stuff.

Weak, pathetic man, checking out of family life, thats what this is.

I'm so sorry OP but I don't think you should try to make this work, or plead, or try to understand because then he will never really come back and will still see you and family life as an option. Let him see in the cold hard light of day, that what he's done is beyond serious, he's closed the door on the lovely family life he was so lucky to have. You're not an option or someone to be walked out on.

I know what a mental health crisis is, I've also got personal experience. It's not a go-to for excusing the behaviour of men.

This. As if the OP wouldn't have had an inkling beforehand.

Suicide is the biggest killer of men in this age group so pp is just striking a note of caution. None of us are in a position to know if he is arsehole, cheating or having a mental breakdown. OP needs to ask him directly.

It's not that, it's because some of us know that if you're in the grip of a MH crisis, you simply cannot cope and it is not a choice. We don't know if he is, but it sounds like a definite possibility.

Oh that's helpful.

He sounds more like someone struggling, to me.

I remember when I was about 12 and my sister was 15, my dad just became totally overwhelmed by life, even though we had no outward family problems - all healthy, and we were pretty good kids. He had some counselling.

me too (some might call it ‘burnout?)… get him to GP?

Not judging you, but I do judge a father who walks out when the going gets tough. No excuses [MH issues, stress etc] can justify this, especially as he could throw his tantrum secure in the knowledge that you would step up. Self indulgent manbaby.

No matter how the kids were behaving, your husband acted rashly and selfishly.

TBF you posted an AIBU which is an invitation to judgement.

Why do people always make excuses for arsehole men like this?

I suspect there’s a lot more to this situation and his walking out is a climactic end to a prolonged period of stress, disruption, lack of communication and intimacy.

I’m not getting affair vibes, just a whiff of overwhelming desperation.

I’m not condoning his behaviour at all by the way, but the OP sounds passive, ineffective and it sounds like this has been building for a long time. If she’s as passive in parenting three chaotic boys as she is in communicating with her life partner I suspect this was inevitable. Don’t underestimate the stress of that sort of lifestyle.

Edited following the OPs update; having kids with additional needs does make it significantly harder. You need to find the fire in your belly now and insist he meets you to talk and make a plan to move forwards regarding shared parenting even if your relationship has broken down.

This might be true, or he might genuinely be having a breakdown, suicidal thoughts, etc. You have to be careful about dismissing what might be cries for help. Time will tell whether he's suffering a mental-health episode or is just a dick. To be safe rather than sorry, I think OP should err on the side of supporting his MH for now.

I understand you don’t want to discuss your children beyond what you have already described but if they have additional needs such as Autism/ADHD which often have a genetic link . Is it possible your DH is undiagnosed with similar issues and this is why he is feeling overwhelmed ?

It's really important that people are able to come on this thread and talk about how well behaved their children are. That's definitely the point of the thread.

Chaos at home is hard to live with for anyone and holidays with kids can be trying. When mine were small I don’t think we went on a single holiday without me at some point threatening to go straight home if they didn’t shape up and start behaving. You hint at reasons for your children’s behaviour that you don’t want to share, but the reasons are irrelevant, it’s the result that counts. I think mum’s cope with this far better than dads, maybe because we have less choice. So if you (both) cant improve things to bring more equilibrium there may be no future. MN can help you with ideas but only if you open up more.

I agree with PPs that you should try and meet him on neutral ground. Has he said anything about seeing the kids?