AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

PS I’m sorry OP I had not seen your update & the loss & grief your family has gone through. It must be very difficult knowing that he is separating himself from your family unit must be very upsetting. He’s not the only one that gets to crack under the pressure though. And if he does that’s not your fault 💐

I could be a depression. It could also be overwhelm or a midlife crisis- he is of the age.
Id tell him he is welcome to come home but clearly together or him alone needs to go and see someone. He can’t just abandon his family- not right or fair to you or his boys.

Because you had no clue he was supposedly struggling. Then he goes on holiday and blows up. They will be another woman giving him a hard time about being on holiday with you and he's cracked.

I thought this too. It sounds like burnout or an affair. It would be very unusual for him to leave without another woman lined up.

@ByPeppyKoala I’m probably wrong but it sounds like you’re carrying a lot of guilt & blame for understandably maybe having struggled with your DC’s behaviour, their diagnoses & all of those challenges. It sounds like you’re saying that in walking out your DH is saying he’s had enough & that you should be coping better. Which is really harsh. If you have struggled that’s not your fault. If that has added an extra burden on him that’s not your fault either. They’re both your DC. The implication is that it’s kind of your fault they have behaviour challenges, your fault you’re not dealing with it correctly, your fault you’ve struggled & your fault that he’s walked out.
No one knows your set up at home but if you have largely been the one to parent if he’s the main income provider then you by default become the one solely (unreasonably so) responsible for the way you parent & the way they behave.
Or you may work as well but have understandably struggled with difficult to manage & cope with challenges raising boisterous DC with ND alongside work & family demands.

It sounds like in a way you’re also agreeing with your DH as though having found it difficult, that’s made you a bit less than & not quite the good wife & mother your DH signed for. Which is really unfair & completely not the case at all. You’re not responsible for it all. And struggling & finding it difficult doesn’t mean you’re any of those things.

That you feel sad more than angry that he walked out implies you feel that blame & sense of failure & that he’s had to put up with stuff that wasn’t part of the bargain.

If your MH for eg - not saying it has - has suffered or you’ve just needed some support, your DH should have or be sensitive to that & wanting to find ways to help you - if he has seen you actively struggling.
Or volunteered ways to help support you - make ways to give you some time out or some respite. And even if he has - that’s still not your fault.

He’s an active participant in the family dynamic & losing his temper & walking out & now separating himself from you is not fair. Because he is criticising how you’re coping & saying I’ve had enough. Of you all. As though you’re all the problem. But he’s a player in your family dynamic. He’s not Mr Perfect & the rest of you are not.

I don’t know just sounds like he’s allowing you to take responsibility for stuff that actually is not solely yours & you’re taking the blame for things that should be equally & actively shared. Does he do anywhere near the same amount of input as you?

Apologies if I’m way off the mark!

I would assume he has had a mental health breakdown. Family life is chaotic and every now and then I need to step away for a few hours (never days though) but maybe it’s pushed him over the edge

@ByPeppyKoala my husband of 13years acted odd last year and I thought he was ill or possibly depressed. Tried to bring it up with him and he said he was fine. His behaviour changed he was quieter not as engaged. Then one day he rang me from work said he wasn't coming back. Then a week later he moved in with a work colleague. It's been 10months now, still stacked up with her and me and the kids have not seen him for a year. He hasn't rung for 5 months. He messaged last week asking how we were and I have ignored him. I feel like a mug to be honest I was completely blindsided. Currently in the process of a divorce.

I'm not saying there is the ow but don't until you know things for sure don't rule it out, some men are better liars than others

This. 100% this.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. And I am very sorry for your loss.

Is it possible that he is still processing losing your daughter? Grief is so disorientating, and it can really change people.

Even if he is overwhelmed and and struggling, all he's done is shift the entire burden on to the OP. All of it, every bit of it. He doesn't seem to be taking any responsibility whatsoever.

Agree, as if they’re the only ones struggling and just leaving it all to the other parent is ridiculous and selfish.

He’s burned out, too much for him yet his wife is right there with him. What about OP? Being left with three children with no warning by the person who is supposed to be your partner.

I know I’m burned out and have definitely thought of just leaving just so I can not be needed 24/7 and get a full night’s sleep but I don’t because why would I leave our 3 for DH to handle on his own. Although saying that, he wouldn’t be on his own, his parents would come down but I wouldn’t want to disrupt their lives either.

OP, no real advice but just to give you a handhold.

Parenting ND children can be a slog and unfortunately, many couples don’t make it out the other side.

I was so sorry to hear about your DD too.

Your DH may well be overwhelmed and struggling with his MH but he’s still not been fair to you at all. And he’s not been fair to your DC - one of the most important things for ND children is consistency and “safety”.

The fact he’s contacted your DC every day is good - but it suggests that perhaps it’s not a complete MH crisis and he’s just fed up. That makes it more unreasonable to leave you in the lurch with no discussion.

All you can do is encourage him to see the GP and see what happens. Remember though, even if he has a change of heart you aren’t obliged to just sweep all this under the carpet. Your feelings matter too - and he doesn’t seem to have considered you in any of this.

If you split permanently, can you manage financially? Is he still paying his share now?

I just wanted to send some support. Having children with ADHD totally flips the switch on how you parent and if this is all new to you, it must be very overwhelming for both of you. Its also likely one or both of you have it aswell which adds to the pressure. My advice would be to educate yourselves as much as you can on the condition and remember that there is no "right or wrong" way, its finding what works for your family and none of us are perfect, we have all got it wrong at some point 🫶🏼

Exactly. Regardless of how overwhelmed he is, OP is in exactly the same boat, so now he's doubled her load and doesn't seem too bothered.

Hes not on the phone to her saying Im sorry I cant cope, its too much overwhelm, I need a moment, Im so sorry, is he? Hes hust leavung her to it, to do it all, while also hurt and confused.

God love you. That must be really tough. If he can’t cope with family life as part of a couple, how’s he going to cope as a single parent? Have you asked him that? Does his parents know?

@ByPeppyKoala sorry just read about the loss of your DD. He could be grieving & unable to move on from that at the moment. I think you are right to be worried about him. Good luck & I hope he works things out in his head & comes home soon.

Well he should have parented them better then. And it all screams another OW because of the holiday.

Even if he is overwhelmed and and struggling, all he's done is shift the entire burden on to the OP. All of it, every bit of it. He doesn't seem to be taking any responsibility whatsoever.

AIBU is an absolute cesspit. Plus you only explained the bare bones and people will either draw their own conclusions, or ask you to explain the context, which is what you've now started to do. I think you are, or were just seeking a safe landing space to share your shock. AIBU isn't for that. It's for people who like a bun fight. You could report your own opening post and ask Mumsnet to move your thread to relationships, where people are sometimes a bit more gentle.

Is it worth getting in touch with him to tell him you love him and miss him? Is there anyway back for you?

It sounds like he is overwhelmed - you say the boys have ADHD & you also mention private school fees, so presumably he is in a well paid job in order to be able to afford that. So he is possibly just completely worn out & needs a break. Going to France sounds lovely but does involve some effort to go and do things rather than having some down time.

Do you work? Does he have a lot on with boys on top of working? I’m not excusing him at all but just wondering if he’s at breaking point.

You could explain to the boys that they need to calm down a bit - they are old enough to understand.

Do you have any other support in place to help with the boys? Perhaps a weekend off together somewhere he can chill might help.

That's odd because on Mumsnet that's pretty much the default on every thread about men not facing up to their responsibilities - it's always the same mental health issues or the same neurodivergence.

Read her posts. Two of their three children have recently received diagnoses of ADHD.

Ah, OP I'm very sorry for your loss
It's good that you know where he is and as others have said, time will tell whether he's being an arsehole or genuinely having a crisis. I hope you have a good support network around you and I wish you all the best. X

Oh OP it looks like you both have a lot on your plate and the last years were particularly hard for you.