AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

He sounds like a total wet lettuce. Can’t do this anymore, boohoo! What a man!

I brought up two boys by myself but then I’m not a spineless whiner.

Is there a bingo card you’re trying to complete?

I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

it doesn’t sound like OW to me, especially with you sharing location etc.
He just sounds overwhelmed and broken. That’s no excuse for leaving you to deal with everything but if he isn’t already seeking some sort of therapy this would be something to suggest to him

It could easily be both.

Him possibly ND (likely is) doesn’t exempt him from being selfish.

This

If it makes any difference OP, I don’t think anything you’ve written immediately screams affair to me. It does scream a man that’s been dealt a less than harmonious hand over the last few years and is struggling with it. Of course, so have you, and whilst it is cowardly to just ‘run away’ from such troubles leaving you to deal with things, not one of of us, including myself who has had two breakdowns, can come close to predicting how someone else must behave when they’re struggling with their mental health.

It your husband isn’t having an affair, is just at the end of his tether and has pulled the ‘I’m done’ card (which I too have done in the past ( and I have an ‘on paper’ perfect life with none of your difficulties) then he isn’t the ‘lowest of the low’ or ‘vile’ or ‘scum’. He’s a struggling man.

The fact is, you just don’t know yet and until you do, I think PPs should perhaps be a bit more sensitive and stop taking joy from kicking you while you’re down.

Good luck with your chat tomorrow.

I agree.

Those boys have two parents... but several posts saying why did you let them behave like that are missing the point that instead of helping you to manage the situation.. he went over the top, shouting in the restaurant, probably frightening the boys and the other guests, and really leaving you with four children to manage instead of three.

At those particular ages.. each of which is a very transitional stage, after sitting still for hours on a long journey at the start of a holiday and probably "hangry" waiting for unfamiliar food in unfamiliar surroundings... I can imagine they would have been a bit ansty. I remember those days well. But I didn't have to cope with a DH having a screaming fit.
Your boys were probably picking up on the rising pre-explosion tension, and I very much doubt that he was doing anything in the run up to help. So what happened in the restaurant was NOT your fault. And it's easy to give advice after the event on what you should or shouldn't have done.

I think you are doing the right thing at the moment, riding it out. Keeping things going with the boys, until you know more. You must be so worried not knowing what it means and what his intentions are. No advice for this other than to say keep calm and carry on, you will find out more as the days go by and can make your decisions.
Edited to add. But the age old advice of getting ducks in a row, looking at your options as a back up, whilst do you wait to get to the bottom of this I think is good advice .
Is'nt he lucky that he can storm out for his mental health, whilst leaving you to cope with everything? I have little sympathy for that tbh, but a lot of sympathy for you being left in this position.. and carping about how you parent isn't helpful.

One thought did occur to me, re educational difficulties that are being investigated and please bear in mind that I could be completely wrong here and if so I apologise in advance... perhaps his ideal of how your DC will succeed in life has been dented and he's doom thinking about how their condition may affect them? I have heard of parents discovering dyslexia or similar that have felt that way at first. But Ithink you should take heart from the fact that you and the school are looking into ways to help them, and whilst it may make things a bit trickier for them, there's a lot more knowledge now on adjustments and how to help them. So Your interventions now will ensure that they can succeed in what they want to do later on. Of course it is disappointing that he can't face that challenge and is leaving it up to you to sort out, but this is something that he may come to terms with the more you both learn about it. Again, It was just a thought.

I sure you are both adjusting as you say but he's not doing that with you is he? Of course I dont know for sure there is another woman and for your sake I hope there isn't but it's a famiae story I'm afraid. I also get you are in shock but you need to get angry. He's behaving appallingly and I dont believe for one minute it's a mental health "crisis". He's still going to work for example.

He may just be infatuated with a colleague or similar rather than actively having an affair. But a crush on someone else or an affair both make people look at their families and spouses and find fault with them. I say this as someone who once had a very intense crush (that I didn’t act in) whilst married. Also, men don’t typically leave without another option of some sort.

Sometimes they do, though, and this might be one of those times.

Could he be depressed?
My DH was a complete twat for a number of years, shut off emotionally, quick to anger, had to walk on eggshells around him. Our own DD described our marriage as ‘toxic’. I was very close to leaving. Then he had a sudden health emergency and honestly it was the best thing that ever happened to him. It took another 2 years but he was much more open about his feelings and is now taking antidepressants. It was as if the health scare removed the defensive layer. I wouldn’t have said ‘depressed’ when he was acting the way he was, I can see it looking back though.
Would he see the GP? Mine was incredibly reluctant but the GP was brilliant, genuinely.

I thought exactly this.

I was diagnosed with AuDHD in my early 40s. When I was at my post-diagnosis support group, there was a dad there who said he loved his children but found the noise and chaos incredibly difficult to deal with, and so when he got chance he would go off fishing so he could get time to himself and recharge. I don't have DC but find I have to do the same from time to time, just have a day where I don't have to deal with people and their general presence or I find it really hard to feel right. Until diagnosis I thought that was just because I got to spend a lot of time on my own as a kid and just a habit I never grew out of.

It's possible this might be the case. It's also possible your DH might just be a selfish prick, but I wouldn't rule it out.

This is the lowest of the low and never forgive him for this.

He’s saying the home life is too much for him and so he dumps it all on you instead?!

What a vile man he is and what an awful role model for his boys.

If I was being kind I would wonder if he’s having some sort of MH crisis to be so utterly selfish but his behaviour is pointing towards there being an OW.

He doesn’t have to be having a full blown love affair for there to be an OW.
It could simply be someone he’s talking to and he’s built up resentment/had to find an excuse to be single.

I had similar. I believed he had a breakdown. I sympathised and defended him. He blamed the “chaos” of a big family, and stress from work. And a few weeks later, I learned it was just another age old story of an affair, and trying not to admit that he’d just been cheating. His excuse - if I told you, I thought it would affect our divorce and ongoing coparenting 🙈. I felt such a fool. And wasted valuable time while he got himself a solicitor and pushed to get me and his children out of their family home. I can’t guarantee what’s going on in his head, but I DO know that you absolutely need to get your ducks in a row. Find the best solicitor you can, and get your name on their books. Good luck OP. It sucks that anyone can do this to someone they claim to love.

Then surely he's capable of parenting them differently to change behaviours he finds difficult or unacceptable? How nice for him that he knows he has a fallback if he just feels like walking.

I'm sorry @ByPeppyKoala. I'm sure you're reeling in shock, but I think you need to find your anger. He's treating you and your children shockingly.

What magic powers does only he have?

He sounds burnt out.

Pressure at work?? 'Chaos' at home.

Not everyone has the same ability to cope with long term stress.

It doesn't sound like he's rejecting you...it's the family dynamic that he seems to be struggling with atm.

He IS abandoning his children - he's reneging on his commitment to them and to you to care for them, to parent them.

It sounds too much for anyone, why didn't he make the kids behave or take them out of the restaurant? They don't deserve to be taken to nice places from the sound of it.
He sounds depressed. On top of a bereavement too, no wonder you're struggling.
It must be so hard for you being left to deal with it. I hope your kids get the help they need and your husband gets through it.
It is possible for men to leave/ break down/ have crises without another woman involved despite what people on here tend to say.
Have you got a real life support network, use it if you have. Be kind to yourself.

@ByPeppyKoala my heart went out to you reading your OP - all you need is some kindness, not judgement,

people are unnnecessarily nasty on here, it's bloody disgraceful. They can't resist picking things apart and digging for more, rather than accepting what you've said and make a bit of effort to show some empathy.

it must be shocking to you that your DH has just walked out on you, and YANBU to feel deeply hurt, rejected and unsure about the future without him there with you. Sounds like you have a lot to deal with, trying to keep things going.

sometimes men are a bit "walk away rather than deal with it". It's so much easier for them, they walk away and don't look back, leaving the woman to deal with all the daily grind. Internalised misogyny through and through, In this situation it's still very new, so it could be your DH just needs some space to rebuild, and yes I know, you don't have that option do you. I interpreted your manner as calm and unflappable, someone has to be!

I bet it just feels raw and painful for you at the moment, so for that you have my respect. Hope he comes back and does some of the heavy lifting.

Has the parent of two AuDHD children and growing obviousness of my own AuDHD in the wake and my DHs ND… I am appalled for you.

Could you reach out to the GP and school for support for both you and your children, but also to establish whether your DH can have some counselling. Sadly you don’t just get to walk out because ‘it’s too hard’ - though both DH and I have hit the wall several times in our marriage due to parenting stresses (that do continue even though they are now 18 and 21).

Remaining in concat with the children is all well and good, because he gets to maintain a relationship without doing any of the graft, and he needs to understand that what he has done is - frankly - really bloody selfish, no matter how much it has impacted him. He should have reached out and asked for support once he realised he wasn’t coping - to you, to employee support at work, to his GP, to any of the services that are supporting you and the children. And I say that in the understanding that he may, too, be ND as usually one or both parent is when you have multiple ND children.

Life is a long list of disappointments and unforeseen hurdles. If you aren’t coping you need to ask for help.

I would message him and state that you understand this is hard, but that he has now left you to deal with it in its entirety - could he not at least consider reaching out for therapy and support along side you rather than simply abandoning you to deal with it alone?

Two kids diagnosed its likely yourself or dh has adhd too. So either he has adhd and is melting down or you have adhd and he has been compensating for you

If your children have additional needs then maybe your husband does too?

Im so sorry about your daughter, even reading about your life in this thread makes me want to walk away. What pain you are suffering. Can you arrange some counselling for you both. I would prioritise this above holidays.

He sounds like a misery, you’re probably better off without him anyway 💐

Slightly odd that he doesn't see his children's behaviour as his responsibility. As if they are just something that have happened to him that he has no control over.