AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

There’s also a lesser reported epidemic of carers having suicide ideations, planning and committing suicide, carers often being women.

He was able to sit OP down and say he was leaving and wanted “peace”, but he can’t say, he is leaving and feels suicidal? He can just leave OP in this state of limbo, call daily but not mention he struggling is to the point of suicide? Limbo is a stressful place to be and to put someone.

No one is saying he isn’t allowed to feel how he feels. Many are saying that he can feel that way and also be selfish for just blindsiding OP, leaving because he wants peace and expecting her to pick up his slack if he even considered the impact it had on her to begin with when he decided on his own to leave.

It’s hardly ever women that have the luxury of just saying they have had enough and go, luckily for your boys they have you, I’m
sending you a big hug because I can easily see how it could happen and how I would feel if it were me.
All you can do for now is be there for your children and see what happens next, I’m not convinced there is another woman either.
We have 3 boys, similar ages and together they are on occasion just ‘too much’ they know how to behave but sometimes they let themselves down, tiredness, hunger and some neurodiversity thrown in and they have on occasion had me in tears… not because they are awful or we’ve done anything wrong bringing them up, they can be handful….
If I had another stresses going on, work, money problems etc and had all three playing up it would probably be the enough to make me want to go. Luckily I don’t however I am sometimes tempted to take a mini break however as their Mum I can’t, because even though they love their Dad I am their go to person when things are tricky.
I have to grit my teeth and get on with it and you are probably the same. Your DH has let you down, is letting your children down by walking, in a partnership you want to know your partner is as solid as you are.
Hopefully some time away will enable you both to sit down and discuss what is going on and where you go from here, your DH needs you to tell him he can’t just walk out when things get hard, where would your kids be if you decided to do the same….

Until I do become a mind reader.
I can only go off what I've read because we don't have his side of it.

And from what I've read, he's walking away from his responsibilities because Op is there.

Op needs to work out the care arrangements of the kids until the relationship status is sorted.

I just wanted to say, I'm so sorry about your daughter...💐

Agree with this. Whatever he has going on I don't think it is acceptable for a parent to walk out on the other parent like this without discussion. Mental health or not. Has he thought about your mental health?

Then you don’t understand burnout

Did you really just say “And? So what” about my MH struggles and me wanting to kill myself - and then you want to claim you care about people’s MH??

I’m guessing OPs or the children’s MH are simply insignificant then?

He's not talking though is he?
He's shouted at everyone and then left leaving the OP to keep everything together. What in that behaviour is there for the OP to "listen to"?

Maybe if he sat her down and talked frankly and honestly about his feelings then they could work out a strategy together, either separation or changes in their marriage.

Running away as he has done is not the answer and is not a form of communication

Gosh must be amazing to be a mind reader!! You do know plenty of people seem to carry on as normal before they commit suicide? Nobody knew the depths of my depression. I still managed to do everything I usually did and even went on holiday! Still tried to kill myself though. Is it because it's a man? We really need to have more understanding of men's depression. They are not robots. Get some education on the matter in case someone you love needs your help.

Sorry you're hurting so much and missing your H, @ByPeppyKoala . I'm so sorry you lost your daughter. Hopefully you will be able to talk to each other and find out more about what's going on for him and how to navigate things. You both have so much going on. It's very unkind of him to leave you to cope alone with the children and also wondering about your relationship. You're very much saying it's out of character for him, so hopefully he just needs some breathing space.

Leaving 3 kids all 13 and under is neglect.

The DH has done it because he knows OP would step but if OP left today then she’d get arrested because DH wouldn’t step up and therefore she’s leaving them to fend for themselves (even though they have another parent).

This. I’d tell him you’re done too and which half of every week does he want the kids 24/7 going forward.

I am so sorry he just sounds like a man-child. Of course three boys are going to be hard work and boisterous sometimes. A nice quiet meal is not guaranteed with three young children and most parents know this. Your husband also just left you to take care of your children and stormed off! He’s pathetic. I think you deserve better.

Yes, this.
Let him FO, divorce and take him for what you can, the twat.
Sorry.

You know what - men aren't the same, there are not 4.5 billion clones out there. We all act in very different ways.

No wonder we don't bother talking frankly. Nobody listens.

Shed be arrested cos she'd be leaving the kids alone. The dad has already left them. If she leaves then they're alone????

News story of a woman arrested after her baby died when she went on a night out. Nothing happened to the absent dad.

What a weak spineless weasel of a man

he only thinks about himself, he is not coping do just walk s away. No thought as to how YOU will cope

hope you get a good divorce settlement and make sure you fight for every penny, you deserve it

what an absolute wet wipe . So sorry this happened to you, you deserve more

I hope he's not having an affair as well. I knew of a man who was only ever at work or at home. Yep, cheating.

"Why can't the husband have a nervous breakdown?"

Because Mumsnet would lose it's reputation .....

OP, many on MN seem to immediately assume an affair. You know your husband best. The evidence from how you have described things suggests it is more likely to be a mental health issue. I'm very sorry that you have lost your daughter. It sounds like you both have alot to deal with right now. Depression in men will often present as anger. Your husband is in a higher risk age group. I hope you both get the right support and can work through the difficulties. Look after yourself.

He's not had a mental breakdown

And all the people you mention do need help.

As others have said he's functioning well enough to go on a holiday. And then pack his belongings and leave.

If he's at the level of self harm you're talking about, then he'd probably be sectioned and in a mental institution. Obviously no one would be blaming him then. You cant blame people if they are having a psychotic breakdown or depressive episode where they cant even move off the sofa.

He isn't at that level. And it is just too easy these days for men to walk away from their responsibilities.

You mention your daughter passing - I am so sorry 💐- do you think there are any resolved issues around his grief? Has he or both of you received therapy?

Wow there's some harsh comments on here. Reading the OPs post and the really sad update about their daughter I see a family that's been through an awful crisis. Why can't the husband have a nervous breakdown? Everyone would have utmost sympathy if it was the the wife? I'm not saying walking out of a family is excusable but we need to see men as also having deep emotions and not just jump to oh he's having an affair. Have you have bereavement counselling? Support groups? Parenting one child with special needs is exhausting but having two is such a mental and physical load. It's not as simple as telling the boys to sit still and be quiet. At the beginning of our ADHD journey with our girls I was very much children should be able to follow instructions and do as they are told, soon learned that my girls brains were wired differently and we had to change our whole parenting style. There's a lot going on in your family. Give him a chance to explain how he feels and together as husband and wife try and give each other help through this difficult time of your lives xxx

I agree. I'm so sad to hear about your loss. FWIW I don't think he's having an affair. I think he's run away because he can't cope, which is absolutely shyte for you, because YOU can't run away

I'd get this thread moved to relationships
I'd ask DH, when he comes over to chat, if he'll consider couples counselling
And I'd contact ADHD embrace and ADHD UK both of which will help

Signs of an affair - the obvious ones are going out more, losing weight/getting fit/taking more care of appearance, being secretive around phone, spending more time on phone etc - but IME the biggest indicator is a sudden lack of engagement in family life.
He may not actively be having an affair - he may have just had his head turned by someone he works with - the grass feels greener on the other side of the fence.
MNetters do always jump to the OW explanation because it's such a common story! - just seems to happen again and again on here.
Men leaving their wives and dc for the OW can show the exact same symptoms as a breakdown - they often feel incredibly guilty. It's not called a midlife crisis for nothing.