Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

540 replies

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 11:40

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

OP posts:
Itwasallyellow2 · 19/04/2026 16:57

tiptoethrutulips · 19/04/2026 16:52

Read the OP's most recent post.

He's having a mental health crisis and is having suicidal thoughts. So much so that he recently broke down and told a friend, who also recognised the seriousness of where he is with his mental health that he didn't go to his own job and stayed with OP's husband until OP got home.

I'm sorry, OP. I hope you can immediately get him into see his doctor and start finding some support for him.

Absolutely agree.

He needs to see his GP and get some professional help.

shuggles · 19/04/2026 16:54

BinNightTonight · 19/04/2026 16:45

A lot of people have sadly been through this and are mentioning it so the OP is aware, ie husband/partner walks out which feels unexpected, then a lot of the time an OW does come out of the woodwork weeks or months later. It happened to me recently. It could be overwhelm, mental health, it could be loads of things, but it could also be that he has been cheating/having an affair.

Show quote history

Yeah, sure.

Random women just show up out of nowhere and, for absolutely no reason, initiate romantic relationships with men in their 40s who have 3 children.

I think you have been reading too many books and watching too much TV.

tiptoethrutulips · 19/04/2026 16:52

Read the OP's most recent post.

He's having a mental health crisis and is having suicidal thoughts. So much so that he recently broke down and told a friend, who also recognised the seriousness of where he is with his mental health that he didn't go to his own job and stayed with OP's husband until OP got home.

I'm sorry, OP. I hope you can immediately get him into see his doctor and start finding some support for him.

Itwasallyellow2 · 19/04/2026 16:52

I’m sorry for what you are going through OP. Sounds as though he is overwhelmed and reached his limit in the restaurant when the boys were arguing. I used to work with families of ND children and it is very common for this to happen to the parents. As he works full-time too the downtime just isn’t there. He has likely experienced burnout.

Yes people might call him selfish but when you are at breaking point, giving yourself space as he has done is actually the best thing to do. He didn’t become physically abusive, there is no evidence of him cheating. Had he stayed with you all in the family home things could have spiralled so, actually, putting space between you is one way of being able to process things and gain some clarity.

Of course all this is hard on you and you aren’t in a position to walk away but I think it’s also important to recognise together he has reached breaking point and plan a way forward in which you both get some downtime and parenting is less of a daily battle.

And for all those posters who say he doesn’t love you. Absolute rubbish! We can love someone but be at breaking point because life is hard and loving someone doesn’t magically make life easier. Burnout happens irrespective of love because when you are truly burned out you don’t see the love; it is hidden by the weight of responsibility and stress.

I genuinely wish you well OP. Sending hugs.💐

ParisIsMyGirlCrush · 19/04/2026 16:49

Cherchez La Femme, I'm sorry

PinkyFlamingo · 19/04/2026 16:48

shuggles · 19/04/2026 16:41

What a bizarre comment.

The original post makes it sound as if the boys are chaotic and too much for the husband to handle. That's understandable, I would be the same if I was in the same position.

What on earth has that got to do with "OW"? How strange.

Show quote history

It isn't strange at all. Classic.

Original poster
ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 16:48

I called him because he wanted to speak to the boys, but I said we also needed to talk properly about what has been going on, why he has been acting differently and why he has walked out on us.

He told me he has been struggling with his mental health and has been having suicidal thoughts. We live in Oxford and he travels into London for work when he needs to. He said that over the past month or so, during those train journeys, he has found himself thinking about jumping in front of a train. Just before the Easter holidays there was one day where he felt very close to actually doing it.
On that day he saw a friend at the station. He opened up to him about everything, how he had been feeling, what he had been thinking, and the pressure at home, including everything going on with the children and the recent ND diagnosis of 2 of our boys. His friend decided not to go into work and came back to our house with him. They had a cup of tea and talked things through. I was working in the office that day so I was not there, and his friend stayed until I got home. At the time I did not think much of it.

Apparently back in March he got to his station he has to take a tube to his office once he gets into London and he just sat the station. He asked me to meet him that day and take the day off work for ‘child care emergency’ which I did and met him at the station 2 or so hours later, we went and go food. He didn’t seem off just said he wanted to spend time with me in london. Turns out it was because he was to scared to go down to the tube platforms and knew that he wouldn’t do anything ‘silly’ if I was there with him.

My husband did text me because we have a Ring doorbell so he knew I would see he had come back. He said he felt unwell, had decided to work from home, and had bumped into his friend at the station. He made it sound like a normal coffee and chat about work, as they are in the same industry.
I am going to pick him up later this evening as he is currently staying at the house we are trying to sell.

I did not even know how to respond when he told me all of this. I feel sad for him and sad for our family. A couple of years ago we were so happy, even though we were trying to understand our children and often felt like we were getting it wrong as parents. It feels like everything has changed so quickly.

What I am struggling with is that from the outside he has everything, and I think he cannot get his head around why he feels so unhappy. He says he has been feeling like this for a while but does not want to hurt me or the children. He says he feels angry all the time, does not understand why, and feels very ashamed.

I also feel hurt and frustrated. I wish he had talked to me instead of walking out. Even when things have gone wrong, like the incident in France when he lost his temper and left to go back to the hotel, I would still have wanted him there. Even if the mood was ruined, I would have appreciated the support of having him with us rather than dealing with it on my own.

OP posts:
Thecup · 19/04/2026 16:46

Firstly sorry you are having such a difficult time this is very stressful. Now for the not so nice to hear part - ADHD is not a reason for children to be living in chaos - that is still a parenting issue. If the children were all overwhelmed, overtired and fighting, maybe you should not have got food to eat in - or ordered to take away. If that was not an option a sandwich from a service station. It’s hard to have a ND child, however it’s also very important for the responsible adults to manage this. I’m not judging, I am just pointing out an uncomfortable truth and I do have experience of this myself. Your children are quite old now, and presumably not had support in place if this is only a new diagnosis. I am assuming that there has been ongoing issues with behaviour and if so (13 years) is a long time to live without strategies. Are you both on the same page with the diagnosis? Does your husband believe that they have ADHD or think you have been a lax with boundaries? I know this seems like a strange question but many parents with additional needs children are not aligned on those things. You need to have a very honest talk with your husband to get to the bottom of this and I do feel family counselling. Also you need to have strong strategies that you are both aligned on to deal with unacceptable behaviour so the children feel secure and know where they stand. Good luck OP - I hope yju manage to sort this out

MississippiCroc · 19/04/2026 16:45

You can still go on holiday and him be having an affair. My DH did, we went away for my birthday, went out for dinner, had days out as a family. Then I found out he was cheating, They just do both.

He went on a work night out to meet up with his OW. They make time. Men rarely leave without having the next one lined up ready.

BinNightTonight · 19/04/2026 16:45

shuggles · 19/04/2026 16:41

What a bizarre comment.

The original post makes it sound as if the boys are chaotic and too much for the husband to handle. That's understandable, I would be the same if I was in the same position.

What on earth has that got to do with "OW"? How strange.

Show quote history

A lot of people have sadly been through this and are mentioning it so the OP is aware, ie husband/partner walks out which feels unexpected, then a lot of the time an OW does come out of the woodwork weeks or months later. It happened to me recently. It could be overwhelm, mental health, it could be loads of things, but it could also be that he has been cheating/having an affair.

Psychologymam · 19/04/2026 16:45

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 13:59

I’m sorry you went through that.

I think he’s just had enough, he feels like a shit father. He tries a lot and has been supportive. Two of our boys have been diagnosed with adhd recently and DH and I are still learning.

I know where he is and he’s been on the phone to the boys everyday.

I sound passive because I’m tired and in shock and I just want my family back all in the same house. I miss him as much as I am upset and it’ll turn into anger at some point I do miss him the house feels empty without him. I am worried about him. Regardless of how I feel he is still the father of my children I’m disappointed in him I thought we were a team. We’ve had very tough times and survived, our daughter passed away a few years ago we got through that together.

People have suggested OW but I don’t think so there’s never been any signs of that but I could be wrong.

Show quote history

Before I read the thread I was wondering about neurodivergence- which is obviously genetic. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and it does sound a little like a break down- if you want the marriage to work, it might be useful to think about therapy for him/with him with a ND aware therapist who could point him towards an assessment for adhd/asd if helpful?

shuggles · 19/04/2026 16:41

Beachwalker66 · 19/04/2026 11:54

I would be looking for OW. 💐

What a bizarre comment.

The original post makes it sound as if the boys are chaotic and too much for the husband to handle. That's understandable, I would be the same if I was in the same position.

What on earth has that got to do with "OW"? How strange.

BinNightTonight · 19/04/2026 16:39

Beachwalker66 · 19/04/2026 12:51

The chances of this man having his DC 50/50 seems slim tbh.

Show quote history

Wishful thinking.

Boomer55 · 19/04/2026 16:38

WildLeader · 19/04/2026 16:25

Me too. My first thought was Cherchez la Femme.

Show quote history

Not always. 🙄

Boomer55 · 19/04/2026 16:37

It sounds as if your husband just can’t take any more of your kid’s behaviour, and has walked away.

Probably no one else - just burn out.

I hope you can sort it out.

Jamesblonde2 · 19/04/2026 16:37

Busy and loud sounds horrific to me. When that’s supposed to be your home.

loislovesstewie · 19/04/2026 16:37

I apologise for being blunt in the above post, but I'm fed up with men not being allowed to be mentally ill.

loislovesstewie · 19/04/2026 16:35

Isekaied · 19/04/2026 15:47

He's not had a mental breakdown

And all the people you mention do need help.

As others have said he's functioning well enough to go on a holiday. And then pack his belongings and leave.

If he's at the level of self harm you're talking about, then he'd probably be sectioned and in a mental institution. Obviously no one would be blaming him then. You cant blame people if they are having a psychotic breakdown or depressive episode where they cant even move off the sofa.

He isn't at that level. And it is just too easy these days for men to walk away from their responsibilities.

Show quote history

Just so you know, 3 years ago my son decided to end his life ( by sheer luck he didn't succeed) . He had tried to ask the GP for help and was dismissed by the doctor as not being in immediate need. He went home and calmly decided on a particular day to end his life, he made preparations, all without my knowledge. He didn't act in an unusual way, he carried on as normal, then did it. Afterwards, when I found him, he said he thought that medical professionals didn't care, didn't understand, wouldn't listen and he would never get the help he needed and we would be better off without him.
I'm telling you this, because no one knows what is going through another's head. We don't know their thought process, we don't know from their actions anything about their mental health.
So, please don't just assume that a person acting in a calm way isn't in mental turmoil.

Reasonstobelieve · 19/04/2026 16:32

Oh dear,I feel for your circumstances OP. My initial thoughts are you are both trying to live your family life as if there are no exceptional circumstances to consider before making plans.

Your DH sounds like he is in burn out & thinks he can't cope. He obviously loves his children & I've no doubt he loves you too. I hope it works out for you all with possibly the help of counselling. I don't blame him for having a crisis moment in his life. You both deserve the support you are so obviously not recieving 😓

Luckyingame · 19/04/2026 16:28

@SingleSexSpacesInSchools

"Selfish self centered fuck brains", as per PP.
I think that explains everything, whether there is 4.5 billion clones or not.
Is there really that many of you?
Blimey 😂

WildLeader · 19/04/2026 16:25

Beachwalker66 · 19/04/2026 11:54

I would be looking for OW. 💐

Me too. My first thought was Cherchez la Femme.

Vipingviper · 19/04/2026 16:21

OP you might get some gentler, more proactive replies if you post in Relationships.

But my 2 pence is does DH have undiagnosed additional need - it’s a possibility if the boys have it and he does sound overstimulated from your post.

Beatriz85 · 19/04/2026 16:07

Following, and coming back to read replies soon.
My kids can be a handful, especially during holidays. Last break I had a "crash out" as my elder would call it. Wanted to go home early, divorce, the lot...

Isekaied · 19/04/2026 16:07

Butterme · 19/04/2026 15:56

Did you really just say “And? So what” about my MH struggles and me wanting to kill myself - and then you want to claim you care about people’s MH??

I’m guessing OPs or the children’s MH are simply insignificant then?

Show quote history

I know I was shocked too.

Isekaied · 19/04/2026 16:06

WingingItSince1973 · 19/04/2026 15:55

Gosh must be amazing to be a mind reader!! You do know plenty of people seem to carry on as normal before they commit suicide? Nobody knew the depths of my depression. I still managed to do everything I usually did and even went on holiday! Still tried to kill myself though. Is it because it's a man? We really need to have more understanding of men's depression. They are not robots. Get some education on the matter in case someone you love needs your help.

Show quote history

I've suffered from depression and still have problems. I don't detail my problems on mumsnet.

But i don't have a choice. I have to be there for my kids. I don't get to give up, no matter how I feel or what has gone wrong in my life. Or the next knock weve had ( of which there are loads and almost weekly) Im their constant and have to keep going for their sakes.

I don't get a choice. I am their rock. Unless I have a psychotic breakdown where I don't have control of myself this situation will not change.

It's probably why I get so annoyed at people I see walk away so easily.

I don't get a choice in this regardless of how others act in my kids life.