AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

Sorry OP your DH is indeed depressed & feeling very close to the edge. High functioning depression (& anxiety) means that for a lot of people they don’t understand why they don’t feel like their usual selves, why they aren’t functioning the same any more & why they can’t like with most other things, rationalise their feelings, process them & snap out of it. So they try harder to feel normal, ignore & just try to will themselves into feeling better, throw themselves into work or self medicate. If you’ve always been successful in most parts of your life, not feeling right & not being able to function, or parent or relate properly - comes as a real source of shock, fear & shame, as there is no reason why you should not be feeling ok, and if anyone were to find out they’d think you’re just not trying hard enough, being lazy or just a failure. Self criticism becomes depression’s favourite weapon & is incredibly debilitating but keeps serving up the narrative that you are failing, you are weak, defective, not good enough.

It’s incredibly hard when you understandably as his DW say well we’re financially secure, have a wonderful family, each other, home, good jobs, loving parents, friends - how can he be depressed? It doesn’t work like that ,

And as lots of PP’s have said it’s really not at all surprising one of you is showing signs of acute stress & depression given what you’ve all been through with loss, grief, pressure & ND on top of all of life’s other stressors.

As others have said as ND is highly genetic it’s highly likely unless your DC are adopted either or both of you are on the spectrum. For whom anxiety & depression prone thinking can be hard wired. Undiagnosed ND often explains why lots of people who suffer from high functioning depression (seeming to) suddenly break down - because they’ve been so skilled at masking & appearing “normal” all their lives, that any depressive feelings or symptoms are also strongly camouflaged for fear of social ridicule, rejection, being seen to be weak, a failure etc. And basic fear. It is genuinely a really scary place to be where your DH is right now & I commend him for finally letting you in & disclosing.

For some people with ND not being able to feel or recognise or label emotions as easily as others, can also make emotionally regulating more difficult. And depression go undetected.

Undiagnosed ND shows up in lots of ways & what your DH is experiencing is very common. I don’t know if your DC have been assessed for autism also as AUDHD can really complicate & impact how we self regulate which you mention your DC struggle with when overwhelmed & experiencing meltdowns.
And your DH is mentioning noise sensitivity - although when chronically & acutely stressed, fight or flight responses are heightened & noise, light sensitivity is heightened, along with reduced stress tolerance & feeling anxious or angry, all the time.

There are huge amounts of help & medication available now so at least you & your DH can get him the help he needs now. He may find if he is ND too this unlocks an awful lot for how & why he may be feeling the way he is, which is hugely therapeutic in itself but also for how he parents your DC, with that insight in mind.
Good luck.

Yanbu it is really hard to parent children and then throw in nd. It affects everything. My dh couldn’t cope either but spent a lot of timing shouting etc until I realised I had to put the children first. I’m sorry it’s so hard op. Personally I would take him to a&e if he is at risk. Maybe call 111. It’s hard when life doesn’t work out as we imagine but we need to find a balance. This sounds really tough for you managing his mental health as well as the boys. I hope you can reach out to friends and family for support.

The thread has moved on a great deal. The OP doesn't need scolding right now.

FFS. Read the updates.

💐

OP... what is going on with your kids? Have you been downplaying/minimising their poor behaviour? Really, children should be expected to behave civilly at a restaurant. But you said it was chaos. So why didn't you take them home, or warn them there would be a consequence if the poor behaviour continued?

I would be looking at your approach to parenting (both yours and his) because it sounds like he has been struggling to cope for a while. Home life shouldn't be chaos, should it?

My friend has two teenage sons with adhd and her marriage broke down with the stress of it. Honestly her sons were so so so demanding, and difficult that when you posted about the diagnosis I did wonder about this because difficult behaviour at these ages is unusual. It is so hard and I am not surprised he is struggling. You aren’t, but you’re different. Also there is an element of men just get to walk out. This is not the case. You could also walk out. He just beat you to it. You need to talk obviously but be kind to yourself and give yourself time. You are also allowed to be angry. I am sure he loves you as he loves his sons. Love doesn’t make living easier but often, thank goodness it stops you from hurting yourself. I hope the best for all of you.

The diagnosis didn’t trigger the bad behaviour. Presumably you’ve both been living in ADHD chaos for years, albeit undiagnosed. You sound very passive, and I accept that you’re struggling, but not getting your DH the help he needs is only making things worse. ‘Telling’ him he needs to see a doctor is NOT getting him help. You need to advocate for him. Is he safe now? Where is he? Could he harm himself?
Seriously, you need to get a grip on this.

Very difficult Op, as women we end up carrying it all, as the man finds it difficult to cope with the emotional fall out of life.
Saying that, I would be very concerned after what you have said about him feeling suicidal, has your husband got ASD? (That and adhd coincide in our family. ) I have ASD and I find my adhd family exhausting after a day.
I also am wondering the death of your daughter is still upsetting him to unmanageable emotions. Sorry for your loss xx

completely agree with this.

Two neurodivergent children likely didn't come from nowhere so it isn't improbable that the husband is autistic. As an autistic woman I'm so glad my children inherited my autism. I love my ADHD relatives dearly but children with ADHD do my head in - I can only take low doses before I need to go decompress in a dark room. And yes many, many autistics struggle with suicidal ideation. We have the worst suicide rate of just about any demographic.

What a difficult position for you both, I’m so sorry for how he is feeling but also the situation it leaves you in, could he see your gp? Is he open to trying medication to help? I was suicidal when my two children were very young and it was life saving x

Not this again. Firstly, read the update. Secondly, stop using phrases you think make you sound intellectual and witty. They don’t.

Please encourage him to get help.

This type of mental health breakdown reminds me of someone - He has undiagnosed Autism and living in an ADHD chaotic household was very challenging for them. Setraline helped take the edge off for a while at least for the suicidal thoughts. I think for an autistic brain suicide can become a practical solution and a hyperfocus. Does he have a special interest he isn't able to engage with because of the demands of family life?

"I also feel hurt and frustrated. I wish he had talked to me instead of walking out. Even when things have gone wrong, like the incident in France when he lost his temper and left to go back to the hotel, I would still have wanted him there. Even if the mood was ruined, I would have appreciated the support of having him with us"
So he's now spoken to you and you still aren't getting it. He had to leave, or be tipped over the edge. He can't be a support right now. The only plus right now is your financial cushion, you can buy in help. He needs to see his GP, or you go private and he starts treatment. You've both got to accept that life isn't what you hoped it would be.

Now you’ve had that conversation OP, it definitely does sound more mental health related. Regardless of what’s going on, it’s pretty bad of him to just walk and leave you with three kids, two of whom have ADHD. Not many women get to just walk away like that when their mental health is struggling.

If it is MH (as he says) then he needs to speak to his GP and he needs therapy too. With those two things there’s a possibility this can be repaired.

Tell me you don’t understand people without saying you don’t understand people.

I voted YABU from the guest because I thought your husband was having a mental health crisis. And now your most recent post makes it clear that he is, a very serious one. I don’t understand your previous posts at all. You seem to be thinking about yourself and blaming him for not being able to cope. But he’s clearly clinging on by a thread.

I’m sorry you’ve lost your daughter. I’m really worried about your husband. But what’s going on with you? Are you angry because you feel you have to cope and have no option to fall apart?

I’m not trying to pile on but your posts have been very confusing and a drip feed. Do you think you’re on the verge of breaking too?

So glad that you had a chance to talk and get some insight into what is going on OP. Its still hard tho. I hope you get as much support and advice as you can and that you can help him access some help for his condition. Wishing you and your family all the very best

My initial thought was DEFINITELY another woman. Then the OP wrote about his suicide ideation and calling her to prevent himself from killing himself in a tube station 😳
My question is, why on earth did you not get him professional help, like, IMMEDIATELY?! Why just then carry on like everything is OK?!

They talk about reaching out for help when your mental health is tanking. He has! Twice, at least!! And everyone has just had a cup of tea or some food and moved on!

This man needs help. NOW.

I'm glad he's opened up to you about his current struggles. Please get him to the doctors as soon as possible. I would try to attend with him. If you are concerned and think he might self harm just call 999.