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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

540 replies

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 11:40

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

OP posts:
Bobblehatwobbles · 19/04/2026 18:46

@ByPeppyKoala i may be completely wrong here but is it you whose daughter passed away in infancy? I think you’ve posted before about your husbands distance and mental health?

loislovesstewie · 19/04/2026 18:45

Summerhut2025 · 19/04/2026 18:44

He’ll be back. I would then tell him to turn around and walk straight back out the door. He’ll soon realise he can’t cope with life on his own, absolute selfish dickhead.

Could you please read the update? You are talking about a man who has said he felt suicidal. Show some compassion.

Burningbud1981 · 19/04/2026 18:44

Summerhut2025 · 19/04/2026 18:44

He’ll be back. I would then tell him to turn around and walk straight back out the door. He’ll soon realise he can’t cope with life on his own, absolute selfish dickhead.

Have you read the update?……

Summerhut2025 · 19/04/2026 18:44

He’ll be back. I would then tell him to turn around and walk straight back out the door. He’ll soon realise he can’t cope with life on his own, absolute selfish dickhead.

Burningbud1981 · 19/04/2026 18:43

ForCosyLion · 19/04/2026 18:40

Oh, that is terrible, @Bigmomma88. The day will come when he regrets his actions! I cannot abide men who do this. They're weak and pathetic, led by their dicks. And the ones who don't bother about their kids, too...there's a special place in hell for those. I don't know how OW can possibly find a man like this attractive.

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Edit incorrect post

ForCosyLion · 19/04/2026 18:40

Bigmomma88 · 19/04/2026 14:25

@ByPeppyKoala my husband of 13years acted odd last year and I thought he was ill or possibly depressed. Tried to bring it up with him and he said he was fine. His behaviour changed he was quieter not as engaged. Then one day he rang me from work said he wasn't coming back. Then a week later he moved in with a work colleague. It's been 10months now, still stacked up with her and me and the kids have not seen him for a year. He hasn't rung for 5 months. He messaged last week asking how we were and I have ignored him. I feel like a mug to be honest I was completely blindsided. Currently in the process of a divorce.

I'm not saying there is the ow but don't until you know things for sure don't rule it out, some men are better liars than others

Edited

Oh, that is terrible, @Bigmomma88. The day will come when he regrets his actions! I cannot abide men who do this. They're weak and pathetic, led by their dicks. And the ones who don't bother about their kids, too...there's a special place in hell for those. I don't know how OW can possibly find a man like this attractive.

Burningbud1981 · 19/04/2026 18:35

loislovesstewie · 19/04/2026 18:34

Could you at least read the updates. The man has just informed OP that he has been feeling suicidal.
This is why men suffer for so long. They are told to 'man up' that they shouldn't be pathetic, a wuss, weak. If he had a broken leg you wouldn't expect him to keep walking on it. He would get treatment. At present his mind is broken and needs healing.

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Agreed. So many people have commented without reading the OPs updates. That really really annoys me.

loislovesstewie · 19/04/2026 18:34

ForFluentLimeFatball · 19/04/2026 18:29

He pays for help in the home ie a cleaner and child and spousal support. Also wraparound care if you are working. He is 50% responsible for the children and should not be allowed to just walk away.
At least hit him in the wallet

Could you at least read the updates. The man has just informed OP that he has been feeling suicidal.
This is why men suffer for so long. They are told to 'man up' that they shouldn't be pathetic, a wuss, weak. If he had a broken leg you wouldn't expect him to keep walking on it. He would get treatment. At present his mind is broken and needs healing.

Swiftie1878 · 19/04/2026 18:32

Givemeachaitealatte · 19/04/2026 18:06

I know you mean well but OP is dealing with her own mental health, her husband has just left her, she is dealing with 3 children and has just found out he's suicidal. I'm sorry but you're expecting too much from one human being who doesn't sound like she's got a lot left to give.

Her DH is a fully grown adult with family and friends. He needs to talk to those people and advocate for himself.

Show quote history

You’ve got to be kidding.
This is what marriage and family is all about.

ImFinePMSL · 19/04/2026 18:31

I am so sorry about your daughter 😔💐

How long ago did she pass, if you don’t mind me asking? (Obviously you do not have to answer).

I imagine the loss of your daughter, your son’s ADHD diagnoses and then extra work pressures and family life are pushing him to breaking point.

He needs to see a metal health practitioner urgently, and be signed off work from the GP.

All that being said, YANBU to be angry and upset. Having mental health issues isn’t an excuse to walk out on your family and just check-out of family life.

ForFluentLimeFatball · 19/04/2026 18:29

He pays for help in the home ie a cleaner and child and spousal support. Also wraparound care if you are working. He is 50% responsible for the children and should not be allowed to just walk away.
At least hit him in the wallet

GreyBeeplus3 · 19/04/2026 18:24

@ByPeppyKoala
Somethings gotten to husband obviously; guessing it could be work, another woman, health/money related problems
The thing that struck me was when you said "there's nothing I can do"?
Seems you're so involved with sons that if it turned out to be him on the verge of a total breakdown and I don't know if it is,
And neither am I making excuses for him but
He'd had enough of the "day-to-day"
Which happened when even on holiday
Not right I know; as you're carrying the can at the moment alone
But
If your sons are truly that constantly chaotic and scrappy whilst you follow behind them
And it's him at breaking point
He may want out unless you can talk and come to agreement

Neverflyingagain · 19/04/2026 18:23

Gosh @ByPeppyKoala you've had an awful time, both of you. Does your husband blame himself for your sons' diagnoses? Does he see himself in them and is now wondering if he is also ND? It's tough for you all.
It sounds like he's done the classic thing of bottling it all up until the lid comes off and the fizz goes everywhere. He probably took himself off to spare you all having to put up with him.
Which brings me to wonder if he is so busy putting everyone else first that he's not realised how poorly he has got. Until he's got to crisis point.
Thank goodness he asked for help those times and you are able to get him an appointment asap. Hopefully with medical help he will start to get better and things will be less overwhelming for him and, in turn, for you.
Take the help. Drum it into your husband that he's strong for asking for help etc and you are all there with him. He's likely to be feeling that he's letting you all down so narrate against that rhetoric if you can.
You sound to be a strong partnership so I send you thoughts and support. The going has got tough for you but you sound as though you're able to ride it out. Good luck and remember to look after yourself too.

Horses7 · 19/04/2026 18:21

DancingFerret · 19/04/2026 11:47

It sounds like there's more going on somewhere in his life and the boys' behaviour was the last straw.

Agree with this - he wants a new life.

IWetMyPlants · 19/04/2026 18:18

CautiousLurker2 · 19/04/2026 15:27

@ByPeppyKoala I would not be thinking OW here, either.

I’d be thinking that is is more likely to be: the shock of the DC’s diagnoses; some deep-seated fear over that that means in terms of their futures (and how much support in person or financially); the burden that puts on him (had he hoped to retire at 50, but now thinks that won’t be possible), the fact that his dreams of a ‘normal’ family life and marriage, retirement etc are disintegrating; the fact that the relaxing holiday he had hoped for to recalibrate in a difficult working environment just evidences this. Are you entirely focused on talking about the children when you are together now? Do you have couple time when you connect and talk about the things you love as a couple? You don’t say what industry or sector he is in but if it’s like my husband the events of the last few months have been very stressful on a professional level with devastating impacts on his company (redundancies, restructuring etc) - is your DH similarly impacted and unable to off load with you or at home? Could he have been utterly desperate for a ‘break,’ which time of with family never is?

My DH (and indeed I, too) went through a grieving process - the dreams of normal, of my returning to work even PT when they were settled in school, of the kids leaving home at 18 and us going off on our travels, reactivating a couple-centred marriage, planning for an exciting (and hopefully early) retirement etc all went up in smoke.

What I am saying is that you need to speak without the children - have an in-depth conversation and explain that you understand (and are also experiencing) the enormous fall-out but that you love him (I hope) and that you believe you will all be stronger together - however, that you are a family in crisis and you, as parents, need to stop muddling through and get some support for yourselves. The airplane/oxygen mask analogy is always salient: your kids cannot be saved unless you both have put your masks on first. You are no good to your kids or each other if you don't also prioritise yourselves.

I suspect, like my DH did initially, your DH has kept working, carried on, but buried his grief and anxiety so deep it is now eating him from the inside out. Ignore the OW stuff being posted here focus on what you know. The ND/family issues are enough to tackle just now.

What a lovely post 🌺

CoastalCalm · 19/04/2026 18:17

I hope the appointment goes well and kudos to him for opening up about his mental health struggles but make sure you get some support too

IWetMyPlants · 19/04/2026 18:16

Sorry your feeling this way, having kids with ADHD is bloody hard it's a constant I took the kids out today for dinner my son 14 couldn't sit still had to be told hundreds of times to stop this and that. I have the one DC like this so you have my deepest sympathy at 2/3 boys. I hope your relationship can be mended. But every time my ex husband left me because it got hard for him I ended up resenting him and lost a huge amount of respect for him leaving me (a lot) I don't think there is OW but it's also not easy for you having to deal with this alone either.

PrinceHarrysBaldPatch · 19/04/2026 18:14

LauraJaneGrace · 19/04/2026 13:43

He's an adult.
He's a father of three.

He doesn't get to walk out because he's overwhelmed.
He doesn't get to demand a break at your expense.
He doesn't get to delegate parenting.

Whatever the nature of your family life, he has a responsibility he doesn't get to check out of.

He does though, he already has.
One parent can walk away. Easy peasy.
Two parents walking away is a problem.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 19/04/2026 18:11

@ByPeppyKoala there are some nasty, judgmental and blaming posts here. Please don't pay them any attention.

Build5bear · 19/04/2026 18:07

I’m almost certain there will be another woman involved and he’s having an affair. All the alarm bells. Men rarely usually just pack a bag and leave their family out of the Blue. The distance and blow up in the restaurant smacks of guilt. Text book. I’m sorry OP.

Givemeachaitealatte · 19/04/2026 18:06

Swiftie1878 · 19/04/2026 17:30

The diagnosis didn’t trigger the bad behaviour. Presumably you’ve both been living in ADHD chaos for years, albeit undiagnosed. You sound very passive, and I accept that you’re struggling, but not getting your DH the help he needs is only making things worse. ‘Telling’ him he needs to see a doctor is NOT getting him help. You need to advocate for him. Is he safe now? Where is he? Could he harm himself?
Seriously, you need to get a grip on this.

Edited
Show quote history

I know you mean well but OP is dealing with her own mental health, her husband has just left her, she is dealing with 3 children and has just found out he's suicidal. I'm sorry but you're expecting too much from one human being who doesn't sound like she's got a lot left to give.

Her DH is a fully grown adult with family and friends. He needs to talk to those people and advocate for himself.

lessglittermoremud · 19/04/2026 18:04

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 17:36

I will be there advocating for him. He is able to get an appointment tomorrow with his works private health insurance. He is safe and is as okay as he can be. The kids are just happy he’s home.

I am supporting him and I am taking it seriously I’m not sure what else I can say to prove that. I’ve just found out that my husband has been having suicidal thoughts I don’t even know how to respond to that all I know is that I am going to support him and speak to his family and my family so we have a bit of extra support.

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Good luck Op. x

berightorbehappy · 19/04/2026 18:01

As long as he still contributes , let him go . You can bring up the boys alone ..be brave . If there isn’t another woman ( unlikely ) and he wants to backtrack , let him do the work.

thepariscrimefiles · 19/04/2026 17:54

Swiftie1878 · 19/04/2026 17:30

The diagnosis didn’t trigger the bad behaviour. Presumably you’ve both been living in ADHD chaos for years, albeit undiagnosed. You sound very passive, and I accept that you’re struggling, but not getting your DH the help he needs is only making things worse. ‘Telling’ him he needs to see a doctor is NOT getting him help. You need to advocate for him. Is he safe now? Where is he? Could he harm himself?
Seriously, you need to get a grip on this.

Edited
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OP has literally just been told about her DH's suicidal ideation. She is in shock and struggling to make sense of everything. She literally doesn't know what to do and why should she? She is the one struggling to deal solo with their children.

Her husband should contact charities such as the Samaritans or Suicide Prevention UK.

AdarajamesAgain · 19/04/2026 17:53

Op, there are a number of websites and apps that you could look to for immediate support until he can see his Dr tomorrow, one that's been highly recommended is called 'Stay Alive' by a group called Grass Roots, may be of help to you with ways to approach conversations around suicide and ideas to support you.

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