Wealthy MIL hoarding money

I'm not trying to defend her, though I will defend her right to spend her money how she wants. I just think she must have a reason she's doing things the way she is. Sometimes things can seem black and white until you hear the other side, then it does all make sense. Unless MIL replies, we'd never know.

I wouldn't do what she is doing. My children will be and are taken care of very well, even beyond my death. I'm also generous with my parents. I do support the right of other people to do things differently though.

I agree with you. If you inherit lots, it's only fair to return the favour in due course.
Of course she can do as she pleases, but it's no credit to her to not share something to her very much less well off kids.

I wouldn't domit to my children but some ppl are like that . Yes she's a arsehole imo but what do you do .

You are desperately trying to defend the MIL for no reason. I'm sure she has her reason. None of them do her any credit though.

If he's only graduated two years ago, he's just starting out anyway.

People saying she can spent her cash how she likes, yes, of course, but how sad to have, for example, all these luxury holidays per year, but the kids of DH’s brother never go anywhere. If it was me, it would give me so much joy to help out kids and grandkids out if I was able to.

She might not be stingy. She might give loads away to charity. If that is happening, she will have a reason she isn't giving it to her children instead. Only she knows why that is but I'm sure she'd have a reason. I'm just trying to suggest some possibilities.

How do you know how much money she has if it’s never spoken about?
how do you know how she’s funding everything? How do you know her partner isn’t funding everything, like holidays for example?

Sil and her dh were apparently skint - couldn't afford heating - house was always freezing and couldn't afford to give their dcs pocket money etc. Mil gave them money to help out - gave their kids pocket money etc. When sil got divorced it became apparent that they weren't so skint after all - they had £250k in savings🤔 - the absolute shame of them pleading poverty and taking money from MIL (it wasn't just MIL btw - everyone subsidized them - they didn't pay for drinks, takeaways, meals - never could afford anything), some people have a brass neck!

My son is on minimum wage because that’s all that’s out there for him. He graduated coming up two year’s ago and has already been made redundant once. Hopefully he won’t always be minimum wage, but it's a hard slog trying to earn a decent wage in today’s job climate.

I hate the MN 'it's her money she can do what she likes with it' contrarianism.

Yes, of course - but just because she can, doesn't mean she should, and if she does, she's not a very nice person.

Her behaviour is her choice - your judgement is yours.

Well there is no way of knowing that. What we do know is that the MIL is very stingy, selfish and happy to see her children struggle. You could hardly blame them for taking steps back from such a person.
There is surely a balance between children achieving things (why do you only focus on the financial here btw?) and being a kind and generous person.

Maybe she's really philanthropic and gives loads away, not stingy, but has a reason she doesn't do the same for her sons? Only she could answer that.

I think you should expect no financial support from your parents, but in reality we have arranged trusts etc. and provided cash for both our boys to buy their first properties and spend considerable time thinking about minimising IHT which essentially means a) gifting now in the hope you can live another 7 years and b) gifting out of surplus income. The second option may not be available to your MIL but she is heartless to sit and watch your BIL stuggle and stupid not to plan for IHT reduction.

It may be best to point out the tax options if she has a blind spot to the heartlessness, but it has to be done tactfully.

Am conflicted about this really. It is her money and financially planning for care and independence over the remaining 25years of her life, so that she is not a burden - financially or otherwise - on her children may be uppermost in her mind. If she released the money now, yes the brother may be better off, but where does that leave the mother if she needs care home fees for 2-5 years before she passes? Should she risk having the bare minimum from the state, relying on getting her 70yo DCs to advocate for her at that time, when she has enough money to plan and protect herself independently?

I think this comes down to the you have no right to expect anything from anyone else, even and especially wealthy parents and should plan your life and finances accordingly. Having come from nothing I’ve never expected a thing from another person. However, for precisely that reason, we have ourselves financially planned to be able to support our children (and any grandchildren) for as long as possible whilst also safeguarding our position in very old age when we get there.

So I understand logically why the mother in this situation has no obligation to give to her children at this stage, but morally I couldn’t do it myself.

As I said, it is sad that you are such a suspicious, negative person who cheers someone like this who treates their immediate family with disdain and suspicion. It doesn't do you any credit.

I'm wondering why OP's DH and the BIL are both in minimum wage jobs? Not that there is anything wrong with those jobs. They are important too. Maybe she sees a lack of ambition on her sons and doesn't want to encourage it?

If my kids were in minimum wage jobs in an area that made them happy, I'd have no problem with it. I just know how my own parents would think.

I wish someone would explain why.

Popstar earns millions buys his parents a house, aw how lovely, what a wonderful, caring son.

Same son doesn’t become a millionaire pop star and is in customer service instead, but his parents are rich. They buy him a house. He’s an entitled, spoilt brat who can’t adult.

Presumably that are helping as the op has such forensic knowledge of the BIL’s finances, as well as the finances of the MIL.

Why are people stuck on the driving lessons? What next? Insurance and a luxury sports car when they pass?

And I’m not seeing anything that shows they aren’t fake

They are fake people if, and only if, they hang around with a view to securing their inheritance. If they would hang around her life even if she lost it all, then they are not fake people. If they would disappear if there was no benefit to them in any way, then they are fake people.

Some people do believe that their adult children benefit from achievement of their own. As I said earlier, I am sure she has some reasoning that makes sense to her.

It's not a question of it being an obligation. It is that many people think that families should love and support each other as much as they can. That works both ways. It is truly sad to see that so many OAPs on here hate their children and grandchildren and that their first assumption is that they are only after their money.

I don't think it is hatred for "boomers". I love my aforementioned "boomer" relative very much.

It's more a fundamental difference in approach to money and family. Pretty much everyone here has agreed the MIL has the right to do what she wants, it is her money etc. But we are allowed opinions.

My relative is very much of the opinion it is their turn to enjoy life now, and when it comes to money that means keeping it and spending on luxuries. Again, completely their choice! But it does seem an anomaly when from an outside pov, it seems like it has always been their turn. Financial help (early, i.e. pre inheritance) both when young and later when having a family. As their parents were. And as I plan to - have already allocated fairly substantial funds for my children to get them started in life. But for that one generation, the wealth transfer seems to go just one way

Hoarding?
As in managing and spending HER money as she sees fit?

Just wow. Four months of living at your expense, while you helped her recuperate and wouldn't even cough up for a takeaway? I'm sorry for your DH having such a horrible, tightwad for a mother. And owns all those properties. Truly dreadful.