AIBU to be upset about my anxious daughter’s riding lesson horse choice?

Hard disagree with suggestions to buy her a pony as solution. It sounds like she might not continue if she can’t regain her nerve.

I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter. I have a very nervous and anxious DS who loves riding. I'm afraid I've found that there is a bit of a theme in the horse riding world that nervous children need to be pushed to "get over it" and that giving them a challenging ride will help make them confident.

Our last school was like that and the nervous children went from happy, confident riders to wrecks that could barely get on but still desperately wanted to do it. Our current school is amazing and has really been careful to protect the bit of confidence he has.

Ignore all the negative comments on here. Expecting a child to be able to canter just because of the length of time they have been riding is exactly the unsympathetic approach that knocks nervous children. My son cantered off the lead for the first time last week. He's nearly 9 and has been riding since he was 4. We've seen younger children surpass him while he's still a real beginner and his older brother was jumping 60cm courses at the same age but every child is different and I'm still really proud of what he has achieved.

I think possibly being a bit more "difficult" is the way forwards. Maybe your friend is giving you the horses that other people would refuse because you are her friend so won't cause a fuss. Tell her that your child would like to know who is is riding in advance to help with anxiety and question it if its not suitable.

How long has she been riding? Respectfully you’d think she’d be able to canter by now especially if she’d previously had her own horse

Can you just remain there for the lesson, and if theres a problem, deal with it there and then?

There will have been a reason for the choice of horse, your daughter is reasonably experienced so she won't necessarily be put on a bomb proof pony if there are less experienced riders in the group.
You say your daughter suffers with anxiety, I'm afraid a hobby which involves being in charge of nearly a ton of bone and muscle which has it's own will isnot really suitable, riding ALWAYS carries a level of risk no matter how bomb proof the pony.

You could look for a pony to loan off somebody else - children outgrow ponies quickly so there could be one around.

I had the same with my autistic daughter who loved horses but was a beginner and one time had the horse riding school's owner who pushed her too hard and she never rode a horse again. I hope you resolve this you have my sympathies.

How serious was her fall and how long ago?

I'd go back to basics with her.
They are obviously going on her riding abilities and are either not aware of, or ignoring, the fact that her confidence is shot.

Private lessons would be best really. That way, the instructor can guage how far to push her in each lesson. Maybe even on the lunge in the beginning.

She doesn't need riding lessons as such. She needs confidence lessons.
As an adult, I've been there. I also ended up having hypnotherapy.

I don't think either are really being unreasonable but realistically, this is horses. They're not always predictable.

I recently took a retired horse out on a hack, he hadn't been ridden in 4 years. True to form, he was an absolute diamond but would I have been surprised to find myself in a hedge because a squirrel farted 2 fields away? No, not really.

Occasionally well behaved horses do decide to be a total gremlin and you hope their halo strangles them.

I work at a riding school and we have dozens of requests for particular horses and ponies, we can't accommodate everyone.

3 particular ones, Carol, Benji and, prior to retirement, Tom, would always be requested and most of the time, we had to disregard it. They cannot do 5 or 6 lessons a day, they would be absolutely exhausted and behaviour would go downhill.

A child of higher ability who is simply struggling with anxiety would not be the priority over a beginner who did not have the ability to ride safely on the more intermediate horses. If one of them was free, brilliant but otherwise, they would be allocated on ability.

I really think this is just a push on through issue. Maybe ask for some lunge lessons, if she is scared? Or could she ride her sisters pony?

It seems unfair that her sister has her own horse, but the younger one is stuck borrowing randoms.

That being said, if she's going to get this upset and tied up in knots about it, perhaps it's best that she takes a step back from riding for a bit.

If multiple children request the same pony someone is going to lose out. Depending on how they decide that it could be your DD theoretically should be the best person to cope with a bigger horse, though it obviously hasn't worked out in practice for her.

You need to have a conversation with the owner about how the decision is being made, and make sure you're advocating for DD in that conversation to get what she needs. You won't know until you've spoken to them what the situation is and best way for it to be resolved though.

I absolutely hate school riding and used to find it so stressful, so I don't do it anymore. If DD can ride why don't you find somewhere that just do treks out tailored to ability?
Or as suggested, get her a pony of her so she feels comfortable.

Yes this. Her sister has her own she can ride, and you’ve chosen the riding school for dd based on this too. They should both have their own they can ride.

It seems to me that if she wants to carry on riding then the best solution is to get her a new pony of her own that is suitable for her and then she can ride more often and only do what she feels comfortable doing .

Yes, rather than asking for a refund, why haven't you been asking this since it started to happen?

Can you buy her a new pony that fits her criteria? Seems unfair her sister has one but hers is retired. Then you aren’t borrowing randoms.

Have you asked why DD can’t ride the ponies you have requested?

Op it happens, it was a mistake and a huge setback but it was human error. Mentioning that she’s your friend means nothing, she’s simply an instructor that caused a mistake, thankfully that didn’t end in someone getting physically hurt but a huge pity for your dd.

I think your daughter needs to look at what lessons she’s going into, a little step down and cantering won’t even come up but she’ll be one of the best in a class. Add to that a nice bombproof pony and she’ll get back enjoying it all x

They should not have put your DD on an unsuitable horse- but perhaps the other people in her lesson had also requested the ponies she likes, and so some children had to lose out on their choice of pony? Perhaps your dd being the most experienced was thought to be best able to cope with the bigger pony? they were wrong and it sounds like they could have anticipated that, which is not a great situation for your dd- and so have rightly given a refund.

you need to bring it up with the owner, and then decide whether you need to go to a different riding school or not.

Yeah in that case it's an honest and possibly awkward conversation with your friend, she made a big mistake and went on DD's theoretical capacity as a rider of several years rather than looking at the whole thing holistically and taking the accident/anxiety into account. Hopefully it can be quickly resolved. You could ask if there is scope for a couple of 1:1 lessons without an "audience" (of other riders/parents) to get that confidence back. Sorry that this happened.

Surely you just need to have a conversation with the owner/person who chooses the horses?