To cancel this date?

Sorry you’re feeling so low. It’s a vicious circle - if you met someone nice who made you feel a bit special it would lift your spirits and give you back some confidence, but it’s impossible to meet that someone while you feel so unmotivated.

A dinner date is too much pressure. Expectations are too high and it makes you feel like a failure if it doesn’t go well. A coffee or a walk in the park would be far more relaxed. You don’t even have to think about it as a date. Just think of it as a bit of company for an hour. There’s no need to worry about anything that may or may not develop from it.

Hope you find your way to a solution. Good luck!

This.

I used to grans these things as practice. If you wanted a new job you’d probably apply for a few roles and attend sone for interview practice. You’d not want to go straight for a civil service 5 person panel on interview 1!
so a full meal with a total stranger is a lot and most people do not do that for a first meet up. Maybe if it’s someone you know from work or friends who you have met a few times as a group you would. But not a total stranger who you could meet and they are totally not what their profile said and you are stuck with at least finishing a main course before can leave!

Why not go, but just reframe it as meeting a potential friend.
Dating apps are tough, but just because it hasn't worked out before doesn't mean you won't have a nice time this evening.
Presumably he has seen your photos and knows what you look like, and wants to meet you.
You don't have to be the funniest, most interesting, slimmest, most beautiful person to have a relationship. There are beautiful people who struggle to find love, and there are much plainer people who are in relationships. It's just about finding someone with whom you click.
If the alternative is sitting at home on your own feeling sad, why not just go - you might not find your person but you might still have a nice time.

I would try and go if you can just push yourself a bit to do so.

I do hear you though. Dating is hard work! I’m in my mid 50s and just thinking about dipping my toe in and it’s pretty daunting.

When I am nervous about a social event, I say to myself that I can leave after half an hour. That somehow helps, just giving a bit of control or even take it down to 5 minutes!! Small steps. You can do this.

Go on the date! You might surprise yourself. Or change the plan to coffee if you’d prefer that, more casual and less intense.

Why bother talking and setting up a date just to cancel last minute and waste someone's time? Pretty fucking rude

Well don’t go then

No don’t cancel OP! Please go!

You will regret not going, more than you regret going.

Stop putting so much pressure on yourself.
Look at this as a way to get some practice in the dating game.
This is just a practice interview for the real thing.

He will be just as nervous as you are.
He probably has low self esteem and you cancelling could make him feel like crap.

Get out of your head and just think fuck it what’s the worst that could happen.

The truth?

Don't frame it as a date. Think of it as "I'm going to meet a potential new friend". If you click then BONUS!
I would avoid long drawn out events like a meal in case you don't like him, or anything involving alcohol so you keep your wits about you.
Change it to coffee or bowling or something similar.

I’d stick to the same time frame for ease but change it to juat a drink in pub /wine bar Instead.

i did tons of first meets off apps and all were arranged as drinks or coffees post work. Generally 2 dribks then off home to decide on whether to meet on an actual proper date.

(as I look over to the snoring lump that was once 2 drinks on a bank holiday Monday night)

I would message him now and say sorry, got cold feet, let's leave it . You are not in a space to meet a stranger , you need to feel cheery and confident for that!

Change the date to just a coffee. He might not like you….buttttttt you might not like him ! Easier to go somewhere short and sweet unlike going for dinner with a stranger!

I get you , I really can’t be arsed with the dating scene but I’m probably older than you. If you go you both might click, you can’t tell on a first date, it’s like going to a job interview.

whatever you do, be true to yourself

OP please don’t cancel. Go on the date.. the right person will put you at ease and you’ll have a lovely time. If he’s not the right person then you’ve lost nothing by trying.

You say you are fat and not pretty.. he’s seen your photos and feels attracted to you. You’ve been chatting online so he must also have some idea of your personality. You don’t need to be funny to be a fantastic loving partner.

if you just cancel you have nothing to lose in being super open and telling him why. Maybe he’ll reassure you. Maybe he’ll just move on. But don’t tell him you are ill.. when he tries to reschedule it will be crystal clear that you have lied.

This is good advice. Honestly; I don't know many people who love dating past a certain life stage but perhaps try not to take it too seriously and as a reflection on you if it doesn't work. I really know that it's difficult. Hope you either decide to go or make peace with not going. And take some time off it as it's clearly not good for you now.

@Letterstoyou you message and tell him the truth. That you're really nervous about meeting up as you're struggling with confidence so not feeling confident enough to meet up this evening, but perhaps your could instead meet for coffee another weekend.

Honesty goes a long way, and you'll find out what sort of person this is by how he reacts.

Restaurant on a first date is too heavy. A glass of wine at a bar, or a nice pub for a drink or two is so much less pressure. Easier to keep it brief if you’re not feeling it, or extend the evening if you are! Then if you like eachother a second date could be at a restaurant.

Hope you fee better soon & find someone nice, if you want to.

Do you think you would enjoy a different kind of meet up more? A walk at a local park with a cafe maybe? Something a bit more low key and less date-like?

Did you cancel yet?

If not, please don’t make an excuse about being ill, because if you do that knowing you’re not going to reschedule, it’s messing with his head.

Just be honest and tell him what you’ve told us; you’re just not ready and you’ve got some mental health issues that you’re dealing with. Make it clear he’s not the problem and it’s nothing he’s said or done. It’s really the only fair thing to do, and he deserves that courtesy.

I also agree you should come off the apps until you’re in a place where you can take it seriously too.

I dont want to sit in a restaurant and make small talk with a stranger.
Its so hard because it would be nice to meet someone who is nice but the dating process is awful.

Perhaps they feel the same way, OP? Perhaps they're a really nice person and a great match for you.

You don't have anything nice to say about yourself and that's really sad. Think about what a friend or colleague would say about you, your best friend, your boss. If you've used recent and realistic photos on the app, your date knows what you look like and wants to meet. Is he Brad Pitt or something (showing my age there 😅)?

On a complete sidenote, have you ever had any counselling? To me and my armchair psychology, it sounds like you might be sabotaging yourself, and that includes being overweight, to make yourself 'unloveable' (in your own opinion) because of low self esteem.

All of this!

Also remember it’s just a meet up, you don’t have to see it like a date. It’s date zero, where you decide whether to have a first date or not. And if nothing else, it’s a chance to meet someone new who might be interesting or have something to offer you. Or see it as good practice. I definitely found dating got easier the more I had and I think it helped me in other areas with meeting new people, chatting to them, how to make people feel comfortable.

id look at the burnt haystack dating method (think there’s a fb group) going forward. And the dating thread on here. I’ve said it before but my best outcome (other than DD) from my time OLD was meeting one of my very best friends on the dating thread on here.

Ah this thread makes me a bit teary cos I resonate with it

I hope it all works out OP

I'd be interested to know how it does go if you go on it.

What do you like about you? What are your passions and your interests? What makes your eyes light up as you speak about them? (Either through excitement or fury!)

If you can answer that, there’s loads to like about you! If you can’t, then gently, dating really isn’t the next step, but neither is self-esteem coaching. (My questions would then be, what do you want your life to look like? And what baby steps could you take towards that?)