To cancel this date?

Letterstoyou · 2026-04-19T05:04:52+00:00

I've got a first date tonight. Off one of the apps. We've been talking on the app for about a week. He seems nice enough. I just dont want to go. Ive been single 6 years and feel like no one will ever want me. The last two men that I really liked, one had issues and then ghosted me and one said he couldn't commit to a relationship. I dont want something casual, it makes me feel used. I just feel like I've got nothing to offer on this date tonight. I'm not funny or pretty or interesting. Im fat (Ive tried everything including therapy and weight loss injections but got pancreatitis and had to stop) I dont want to sit in a restaurant and make small talk with a stranger. Its so hard because it would be nice to meet someone who is nice but the dating process is awful.

Missj25 · 19/04/2026 23:10

Upsidedownagain · 19/04/2026 07:21

I've never had therapy for self esteem issues but I'm somewhat sceptical about it. My view is you can build self esteem by putting yourself out there and succeeding. My self esteem hasn't always been the best, but it fluctuates dependent on my experiences/ mood.

Maybe a restaurant meal with a stranger isn't something you can handle right now - it's quite daunting and intense if you are not feeling good about yourself. IMO it would be better to arrange a walk (where you don't need to face each other all the time) or visit a place of interest where you can talk about what you see if conversation doesn't flow all the time.

But also you need to see dating as a vetting process- you of them, as well as vice versa. You might click with him but if you don't, at least you've tried and you can move on.

But you have to believe you are a worthy attractive person - even if he doesn't find you so. Because otherwise no one you meet will believe it either. Most women are not technically drop dead gorgeous/ slim etc. A lot of them have partners who are attracted to them though! But it may take a while to find the right one.

Perhaps, as bedrn suggested you need to just find hobbies and friends first to boost your self esteem.

Edited

Yes , this 💯 👌.
You do need to be in the right headspace before entering into the dating world .
OP you’re mindset is wholly “ What if he doesn’t like me “ ,

That’s the worst frame of mind ever to be in .
Like PP has advised above , hobbies & Friends to boost your self esteem & then consider dating.

Original poster

Letterstoyou · 19/04/2026 18:41

ARKane · 19/04/2026 18:23

It’s very understandable @Letterstoyou
I really hope that things improve for you and you meet someone nice.
In an ideal world I would suggest that you let this guy know exactly what happened, but I don’t really think it’s a good idea to advertise your vulnerability to a virtual stranger so I’d say just leave it.
Have you tried antidepressants? Low self esteem can be an indicator of depression. In some people it’s actually the main feature. My own self esteem is a lot better when I’ve got my mood under control with ADs.

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Thank you for your kindness x

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Original poster

Letterstoyou · 19/04/2026 18:40

ARKane · 19/04/2026 18:23

It’s very understandable @Letterstoyou
I really hope that things improve for you and you meet someone nice.
In an ideal world I would suggest that you let this guy know exactly what happened, but I don’t really think it’s a good idea to advertise your vulnerability to a virtual stranger so I’d say just leave it.
Have you tried antidepressants? Low self esteem can be an indicator of depression. In some people it’s actually the main feature. My own self esteem is a lot better when I’ve got my mood under control with ADs.

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Yeah I've tried ten different types, been on them since I was sixteen.

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Tink3rbell30 · 19/04/2026 18:26

Yes. Staying single is best when you feel like that.

ARKane · 19/04/2026 18:23

Letterstoyou · 19/04/2026 18:08

I never intended to mess anyone around. I am struggling clearly unfortunately and I didnt realise that I wasnt ready for this. I have a desire to not be on my own for another 6 years but clearly I'm not in the right place.

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It’s very understandable @Letterstoyou
I really hope that things improve for you and you meet someone nice.
In an ideal world I would suggest that you let this guy know exactly what happened, but I don’t really think it’s a good idea to advertise your vulnerability to a virtual stranger so I’d say just leave it.
Have you tried antidepressants? Low self esteem can be an indicator of depression. In some people it’s actually the main feature. My own self esteem is a lot better when I’ve got my mood under control with ADs.

Original poster

Letterstoyou · 19/04/2026 18:08

ARKane · 19/04/2026 17:59

She panicked and lost her nerve. There’s a difference between that and deliberately messing someone about.

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I never intended to mess anyone around. I am struggling clearly unfortunately and I didnt realise that I wasnt ready for this. I have a desire to not be on my own for another 6 years but clearly I'm not in the right place.

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ARKane · 19/04/2026 17:59

Thechaseison71 · 19/04/2026 16:49

Well she has a point. It is rude to mess people about

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She panicked and lost her nerve. There’s a difference between that and deliberately messing someone about.

JMSA · 19/04/2026 16:59

Not a meal, not a coffee. Drink!!! 😜

Thechaseison71 · 19/04/2026 16:49

Letterstoyou · 19/04/2026 12:58

Reported. No need for that at all.

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Well she has a point. It is rude to mess people about

JHound · 19/04/2026 16:18

I think you should give it a go but if try to date with a negative mindset it will make it worse.

I do empathise though. I absolutely hate the dating process with a passion so knocked it on the head years ago!

Original poster

Letterstoyou · 19/04/2026 16:05

I had a panic attack and cancelled. Feel terrible and so guilty. I (stupidly) hadnt realised im not in the right place for dating. Im not in the right frame of mind to go. Will come off the app (I'm only on one) and try and work on myself for a bit.

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StationJack · 19/04/2026 14:46

ChickenBananaBanana · 19/04/2026 13:53

Report me if you like it's still rude to waste people time 🤷🏻‍♀️

So why are you wasting your time postig?

Original poster

Letterstoyou · 19/04/2026 13:58

ChickenBananaBanana · 19/04/2026 13:53

Report me if you like it's still rude to waste people time 🤷🏻‍♀️

I. Haven't. Cancelled.

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ChickenBananaBanana · 19/04/2026 13:53

Report me if you like it's still rude to waste people time 🤷🏻‍♀️

StationJack · 19/04/2026 13:28

Letterstoyou · 19/04/2026 13:22

My mistake and I apologise, I thought you were talking to me. I'm not batshit, I made a mistake.

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I had a feeling you didn't mean me.

if I were you, I'd get in touch with the date and try to reschedule for a coffee in the daytime instead.

Go somewhere public where there's scope to go for a walk/look around afterwards.

It's much easier to chat when not sitting facing each other and eating.

If you realise that there's no click it's easier to leave than when you're having a meal.

Good luck.

frostedshreddies76 · 19/04/2026 13:28

Just be honest with him don't mess him around. I also suggest you leave dating apps for a while.

LiquidSquid · 19/04/2026 13:27

Letterstoyou · 19/04/2026 13:17

I haven't even cancelled so get lost.

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You are still going on the date?

Original poster

Letterstoyou · 19/04/2026 13:22

StationJack · 19/04/2026 13:20

Did you mean to quote me? If you did then you're batshit, I was calling out the potty-mouthed poster.

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My mistake and I apologise, I thought you were talking to me. I'm not batshit, I made a mistake.

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StationJack · 19/04/2026 13:20

Letterstoyou · 19/04/2026 13:17

I haven't even cancelled so get lost.

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Did you mean to quote me? If you did then you're batshit, I was calling out the potty-mouthed poster.

Original poster

Letterstoyou · 19/04/2026 13:17

StationJack · 19/04/2026 13:03

Not as rude as you.

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I haven't even cancelled so get lost.

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FieryA · 19/04/2026 13:12

You are assuming there is nothing to like about you but what if that assumption is incorrect? The guy is interested in you, has been chatting, and invited you on a date- these are all indications that there are qualities about you that he does like. If you never give yourself the chance, how will you find someone? Dating is hard, it takes a lot to put oneself out there and be open to different experiences. But that is all part of the learning- you learn more about yourself and about various kinds of men. You are nervous- tell him that. I personally won't cancel the date last minute, it's a negative experience for both parties. I know I wud be disappointed if someone did that to me for no specific reason. Dress up, enjoy a nice meal, and hopefully even better company. Don't let the potential outcome of the date deter you.

StationJack · 19/04/2026 13:03

ChickenBananaBanana · 19/04/2026 10:51

Why bother talking and setting up a date just to cancel last minute and waste someone's time? Pretty fucking rude

Not as rude as you.

catipuss · 19/04/2026 13:02

Just go you may be missing someone really nice, it's just one evening. If you don't enjoy it or don't like him as much as you hoped you never have to see him again. He may be really looking forward to meeting you.

Original poster

Letterstoyou · 19/04/2026 13:01

Totally agree that I shouldn't have agreed to dinner. He asked me as a "I suggest you let me take you out for dinner somewhere lovely" so I felt like it would've been rude to say no but I realise now I should've just said it would be lovely to meet you, can we start with a drink.

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Original poster

Letterstoyou · 19/04/2026 12:58

ChickenBananaBanana · 19/04/2026 10:51

Why bother talking and setting up a date just to cancel last minute and waste someone's time? Pretty fucking rude

Reported. No need for that at all.

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