DS (he is 21) has always been difficult, as has my relationship with him. He was a challenging child and then a challenging teenager. The behavior he displayed in his early to mid teens ranged from mild acting out (silly fights, occasionally skipping classes to smoke with older boys) to stealing, lying and manipulating his family and others. DH and I did what we felt was best for him as parents. The whole lot, therapy, counseling, "consistency consistency consistency". We felt things were improving at one point in his late teens,as he approached the prospect of going to university and doing his own thing, but now I feel we may simply have been blind to it, or he became better at hiding this mean streak, who knows.
He was in a relationship with a young woman, who I'll refer to as A (24) for convenience, for nearly two years. I have grown very fond of A. She reminds me a great deal of myself at her age. Big dreams but like everyone does she has her struggles. Notably, low self worth. I was very much the same. The only difference between her and I is I had a loving family when I was struggling. A has only had my son, and by extension, us.
Two weeks ago A turned up at our house in tears. DH and I took her in and tried to comfort her as best we could, but she begged us not to let DS know. She also wouldn't say what was going on, at least until my husband had gone to bed. Once it was just the two of us she told me everything.
What she has told me, and what I saw for myself, the cigarette burns on her arms and thighs, bruises, marks, it is awful. He would lock her in their dresser for hours, humiliate her in various ways over trivial disagreements... I cried hearing it and seeing it. I have told DS I want nothing to do with him unless he tells us the truth. DS, however, insists things are not as she describes them. To cut a very long story short, he claims their relationship was healthy and what she calls abuse now are "kinky activities" which she willingly agreed to throughout their two years together. For example, he admits he did indeed put cigarettes out on her, "lightly" beat her when they were intimate, engaged in "degrading acts" because "she likes it, we both like it."
So now DS and I are not speaking, and DH and I are completely at odds. DH refuses to entertain the thought our son could/would/has done something so vile. And he has told me outright he is ashamed of me for taking "some stranger's" claims over those of our own flesh and blood. I tell him why I believe her, he says there is no hard evidence. I say well my own eyes are hard evidence, the bruises and marks I saw on that girl are NOT the result of an ordinary couple engaging in consensual sex, those are not signs of mutual sexual pleasure. And that if he truly believes otherwise he should join DS in seeking out some professional help.
We barely speak two words to each other now. Him sleeping on the couch, me hiding in the bedroom. My question is, am I really so wrong? Am I projecting my own trauma onto someone else and refusing to see the truth. I suppose, I wonder, if you were me, what would you do?