AIBU to stop updating my brother when he only judges me

And why would he think she’s unhinged? He’s her brother

Most people, unless they’re complete sociopaths, do love and care about their siblings deep down, whether they like them or make any effort with them is beside the point. Point is people need to be called out on shitty behaviour if they have any hope of one day changing that behaviour. He needs to know the end of their relationship was HIS fault and a result of his behaviour. It may make him reflect on it and not be such a dick in future, it may not. Worth a shot though

I agree. A letter/text smacks of desperation and shows the brother his behaviour is affecting OP which is of course what he wants, albeit on a subliminal level. Much better to just stop bothering with him.

I would say your brother is modelling what your parent is doing. Not being very involved.

Personally I have a brother that is similar. All talk. No action. Very dismissive of presents I buy. So contact is minimal. I don't expect anything of him and I'm not disappointed. I put my energy into the people who are positive in my life. That doesn't include him.

Oh lakes, don’t do that. He won’t care and he’ll think you’re unhinged. Just let him be and stop trying to engage him. He’s not interested.

If you write to him, it will be used as 'evidence' that you are the problem. He won't understand or see it from your perspective. He has been groomed by family dynamics to be in this role and it's hard, not impossible, to give it up.

You would not tolerate this treatment from friends or colleagues. Why accept it from a sibling? Cut him off.

My brother is quite like this- go very low contact, but not no contact.
Life changes a great deal as the years go on , he may come around in the end.

Ye one of my brothers is like that and I gave up running after....happy with my daily contact with all my other siblings tho

If someone does not bring light into your life, don't give them space.
No extra points just because he is family.. that was just an accident of birth.

I agree that’s what I’ve been doing.

Relationships with siblings are so hard, all of mine are now very very LC with me (I call it NC). They denied it to my parents for years then it got even worse. I’m the eldest child and the least liked by either parent so I guess this was inevitably due to my childhood and upbringing.

I’m three years into the last time I saw any of them (not surprisingly when I was visiting where they are as none of them have ever been to my home lived here 8 years). It is very hard every day but I’m getting used to it now and without protecting myself like this I’d never have got through it all.

I really miss not knowing anything about my nieces and nephews. I don’t get any phone calls, letters or photos from any of them anymore which I really loved before. I send cards and gifts for Christmas and birthdays to the ones I have addresses for. I’m the unknown aunt who sends them something but they have no idea who I am and at this rate they never will. I’m considering stopping this next year as it makes me feel sad.

So just lower your contact to the level your brother manages. That’s what I had to do to protect myself and that’s why I call it NC as none of them can be bothered to do a thing, I was the one previously making all the effort.

If any of them do contact me I would for example send a text, sm message, letter or so on back to them in my own time. but they choose not to.

Op just forget to text him he is an awful brother and he loves hurting you I decided a while ago if people aren’t nice or don’t make an effort I just fade them out. I’m not any worse off by doing this it might be for the best especially if you haven’t got to get involved with the parent still alive. Yes it will hurt as he is your blood but he’s not arsed about you so don’t give him any more of your time for him to be a nasty bastard. Your kids don’t need to see your toxic brother either your not doing them any favours by letting him humiliate you.

I think when you come to realise that if you don’t message someone first, you will never hear from them again - that kind of says it all. Why bother putting effort in when it’s not reciprocated. As sad as it is, if someone doesn’t care about you, they don’t care about you. Stop reaching out and enjoy your life.

perhaps still send things for the children, presents, cards, write letters etc. But withdraw from him.

I stopped contacting my youngest sister (also golden child), last year. I haven't heard from her since and feel free of her continual moaning and entitlement.

I wouldn't bother to contact your brother and just be polite and to the point if he contacts you.

I agree 💯

My elder brother was horrible growing up. He never really changed. All came to a head over a will where he was executor and took almost everything for his greedy all-alone self. Have gone no contact with him for sixteen years now. One of the best decisions I have ever made. His behaviour wrecked my health he caused me so much stress. The childhood dynamics never change.Free yourself. You’ll lose nothing and gain autonomy!

OP I love the advice given to ‘drop the rope.’ I have done the same with my similar brother for reasons you have given. I wish him well but blocked/NC. Still send gifts etc to his children/communicate with them. No longer in my head rent free. Have asked my mother to stop passing on information but of course she loves to trigger him (let’s keep that toxic dynamic going to the last!) Block for a year and then you could try to re-engage with boundaries? X

One I think he'd a bloke and generally socialised to be a bit crap with this sort of thing.
Two it sounds like he is projecting his failings into you.

You do what you makes you happy. Send letters/photos or gifts because you want to. Don't keep in touch out of guilt or obligation.

I'm failing to understand why you are bothering to update him as he obviously has no interest in your family or you. Stop trying to force a relationship that isn't there. You don't have to go no contact, you just have to drop the rope and stop making any effort. Concentrate on your own family and don't worry about what your brother thinks of your life choices - if you're happy, why do you care what he thinks?

He's a prick and a parasite feeding his ego off putting you down - he's probably deeply insecure and that's not your problem. Your life will be better without him. Blood relatives can be a ball and chain. Don't let him in your life just because of DNA.
Someday you might make new male friends who will be the brothers you chose, not the ones you were lumbered with by birth. You might still have a positive brother figure in your life someday - I found one.
You'll feel lighter and better when you have this twat out of your life.

Narcs make narcs - your brother has been conditioned to be like this by your parents.
Brushing off rudeness as a joke and being upset that YOU were upset and deflection is a classic example of how he hasn’t emotionally matured. That will not change. You can only change how you react to it. In person this is harder because your reaction will only enrage him but geographical distance and limiting messages will be easier to manage. He can’t poke the bear as much. Quite telling that your friends suggested no contact.

And why do you think my brother hates me

You explained why in your opening sentence: Growing up my older brother was the golden child and I was the scapegoat, and it feels like that dynamic has never changed.

Either you and he can discuss this ongoing family dynamic, or you will probably need to accept it isn't going to change.