Should a wife tell her DH to avoid someone..?

Good advice.

They should be encouraged to only have intense friendships with mingers of the opposite sex.

Married people of either sex should actively avoid developing intense friendships with attractive members of the opposite sex.

@mujer1997
And some people are controlling! And some people are dickheads.

If it were me, I wouldn't deem to tell him anything! I would certainly comment something like "It's nice that you get on so well. You seem to be spending a lot of time with them" etc to see what the reaction was. But ultimately, if they want to be with someone else, they will. I'm not going to do a pick me dance.

Nipping it in the bud - yes, nip it before the other person can spiral and do the bad-bad thing, it is a good thing the more intelligent half of the partnership is there to spray water in their face so everything can stay 'good'. Like a true hero.

Given that we are civilised people living in a modern age, I am fairly certain most of us are able to exist around attractive members of the opposite sex without going crazy. What people need to realise is that when they are insecure about their partner communicating with others who are from the other sex - it is about them, not the partner. It is their insecurity or their mistrust. So it's up to them to decide how they deal with it. Talk about it with the partner like grownups, or make up scenarios in their own head and sulk in silence, like some teenager. If the insecurity is about being cheated on by someone else in the past - that is also not about the partner, it is not fair to treat anyone a certain way because some other person has done something. If the partner has a history of cheating on you - well, that is also on you, why on earth are you still there?

Also - 'flirting'. Sometimes I am shocked by what some people consider flirting, when often times in my head it is just existing in a civilised way. One time I offered my wife's friend that I would help her carry a new washing machine and fridge freezer to her new apartment, and a lady at my old workplace told me that she doesn't know why my wife is ok with me flirting like that. Flirting. Just trying to be helpful is flirting according to her. Interestingly, a guy from the same workplace moved and I went to help him lift things, interestingly that was not flirting somehow...

@gannett

God I hate the phrase "nip it in the bud". As well as being pointless, as you say, it's so infantilising.

Isn't it just. It's the wife as "Mummy", telling the husband she knows best. Whenever someone talks about nipping something in the bud I know they have a very domineering and codependent approach to their marriage.

God I hate the phrase "nip it in the bud". As well as being pointless, as you say, it's so infantilising.

Finding other people attractive is normal and I'm quite capable of handling the not-uncommon situation of being around a good-looking man who isn't DP without doing anything about it. Men are equally capable of that. You shouldn't need to hover over your partner to make sure they act normally.

90% of the time when I read about "emotional affairs" I think "that's just what being friends is though". But then I don't think your romantic partner needs to fulfil every role in your life, and I don't think paying attention to my friends is mutually exclusive with paying attention to DP. It's particularly helpful to have friends who work in the same industry as you do, because while DP and I can provide generic support, there's a certain level of nitty-gritty venting/navigating that you only understand if you're also in it. Sometimes those friends can be of the opposite sex because neither of us work in single-sex industries!

Cheating is binary to me. Is there sexual contact with someone else? Yes - cheating. No - not cheating, don't care.

@Charlottejbt

At some point, yes absolutely. But there might be a point where the guy has had his head turned yet relatively little has happened... but DW has seen that DH has a little crush and might be able to nip it in the bud... or not.

You can't "nip it in the bud". It's such a daft expression to use in these circumstances. You can't get inside someone else's head, let alone control it. If the line is crossed you either leave or you suck up being treated like this. There is no persuasion/bargaining and there's no middle ground.

@mujer1997

Not all women (probably most) would leave their DH/long term DP just over him talking to/flirting with another woman, nothing more.

That's probably true. But they should. You say "just" flirting as if it was minor. But there is literally no point being in a relationship with someone who is flirting with other women. It's always better to be alone than with someone who doesn't respect you.

Trying to talk him down/put boundaries in place/insert appropriate phrase, is shutting the stable door after the horse has escaped. The classic Mumsnet phrase here is "nip this in the bud". It's absolutely pointless and you're better off walking away with your dignity and sanity intact.

Of course not. You can say you don’t want to see that person socially because you don’t like them, but you don’t get a veto on your spouse’s friends.

At some point, yes absolutely. But there might be a point where the guy has had his head turned yet relatively little has happened... but DW has seen that DH has a little crush and might be able to nip it in the bud... or not. Sometimes in the very early days of a crush we can cross a line without knowing we've done it, or at least without realising we've been.caught! Granted, the window of opportunity is small for stopping an EA and getting the primary relationship back on track. Maybe sometimes there isn't one. But we can't blame the DW for trying, as seen on many previous MN threads!

But if the man is being creepy or pervy or having an emotional affair he’s already checked out right?

Its too late to do anything. You can’t brainwash someone into respecting you. You just have to accept that it’s over and leave.

This bollocks again
of course men make friends with other men. Older, younger, whatever. It’s rubbish to say it’s only ever younger women!

The good news is that this happened nearly 20 years ago and as my friend is absolutely brilliant her career thrived after she left the company. She's now at a position higher than her mentor was back then and she makes sure to watch out for younger female employees at her place of work now.

My dh talks to everyone and everyone, always has. He might talk to someone I feel threatened by, as did happen once on holiday.. but the bottom line is I knew he wouldn’t have done anything about it. it was though as if my whole brain was primed to a state of alert. I would not have dreamt of telling him though he couldn’t talk to her, although I did gently tease him that I knew she was his type! Luckily she lives in the states…

Absolutely, agreed. And that is why it's so important to have healthy conversations. When someone is not receptive of that, there whole thing is just pointless, anyway.

I don't think a bit of flirting would bother me to be honest. It's just a bit of fun and can be a nice ego boost. As long as it doesn't cross a line but of course the debate is what that line is. What constitutes flirting can also be debatable. Some people think chatting and laughing is flirting, I don't. To be fair it's so subjective, my dh isn't one to have the confidence to compliment a women and certainly isn't the type to approach someone so I guess I don't think about it much. But if he did compliment a woman i don't think it would bother me. If he was saying nasty things about me that would be another story.