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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt that DH watches porn while I'm postpartum?

161 replies

MyNavyFish · 18/04/2026 12:05

I have an 8 month DS and have suffered from PND and PNA. My DH works unsociable hours and has been working more as my SMP will stop.

Since giving birth my self confidence is at an all time low. I had a complicated birth resulting i an emergency C-section and was poorly after. I have severe hair loss, terrible cystic acne and as I have DS on my own all the time I have no time for self care like hair, make up and nails. My body has changed and I have no idea what to wear.

At night when DS goes to bed I'm exhausted and after tidying up and washing/sterilising/eating I go to bed too.

My sex drive is pretty much non existant but I've explained to DH why I feel this way. He is always making comments about not getting any albeit they are not nasty.

Yesterday DS and I were going out and I forgot his bag. The front door was already locked and DH was running up the stairs carrying his VR headset. I knew instantly that he was going to watch porn. I just said, "I know what you're doing " and left. Neither of us have mentioned it since.

I feel so sad. I understand he has sexual urges but my self confidence is so low and the fact he is imagining sex with other women who have beautiful bodies makes me feel even worse.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BeaRightThere · 18/04/2026 12:47

HRTQueen · 18/04/2026 12:45

Did pp not read how the op’s dh is always making comments about not getting any that is nasty

whats wrong with him going off having a quiet time to himself and supporting his wife who has been through a difficult time and is exhausted

the bar is so low for men

She specifically says his comments have not been nasty and I don't find it remarkable that after 8 months he's expressed the fact that he misses having sex with his wife. He's not demanding it, he's not being a dick about it. He's just saying he misses it. And sorting himself out in the meantime.

LavenderSweetPea · 18/04/2026 12:47

MightyGoldBear · 18/04/2026 12:39

Thats fine if you as the partner arent particularly bothered either way but it's hurting op. Why should her partners want for masturbating over other women trump her hurt? Surely in a relationship we priotise our partners feelings over seeing others naked?
Op isn't saying he shouldn't masturbate at all but running up stairs with his VR the moment she's gone seems particularly obvious and hurtful.

Show quote history

But he was trying to do it in private, he thought she'd gone out. It's not flaunting it in her face or trying to hurt her.

HRTQueen · 18/04/2026 12:45

Did pp not read how the op’s dh is always making comments about not getting any that is nasty

whats wrong with him going off having a quiet time to himself and supporting his wife who has been through a difficult time and is exhausted

the bar is so low for men

HardFuckingBird · 18/04/2026 12:40

He is not being unreasonable to have a sex drive. It sounds like he's managing those needs respectfully. Plenty of men start having affairs of their marriage is sexless. I think porn is the least bad option here. Personally I'd be trying to resume a healthy sex life in your shoes - most men express love physically, and your relationship may go further downhill if you can't be physical together.

MightyGoldBear · 18/04/2026 12:39

BeaRightThere · 18/04/2026 12:24

I know this is an unpopular view but very gently, I do think you're being unreasonable. It sounds as though your husband, although he clearly does miss sex and want it to resume, hasn't been nasty about it and is sorting himself out. A lot of men (and women) use porn solely as a visual aid. He's not necessarily imagining himself with those women and even if he were, that doesn't mean he wouldn't much prefer to be having sex with you. It's just fantasy, it doesn't mean anything.

I would try to let it go, assuming he is a good husband and father.

Thats fine if you as the partner arent particularly bothered either way but it's hurting op. Why should her partners want for masturbating over other women trump her hurt? Surely in a relationship we priotise our partners feelings over seeing others naked?
Op isn't saying he shouldn't masturbate at all but running up stairs with his VR the moment she's gone seems particularly obvious and hurtful.

Sonato · 18/04/2026 12:38

LavenderSweetPea · 18/04/2026 12:35

I also agree with this. It's not unreasonable that you don't want to know the details, and it's not unreasonable that your sex drive is minimal (please try not to worry, it will get better!) but I'm the meantime his sex drive hasn't gone anywhere. It's not unfair of him to want to have sex, and he's made comments because in an ideal world he wants it with you! But failing that, rather than pressuring you or seeking sex elsewhere, both of which would clearly be extremely wrong, sorting himself out is the only thing he really can do.

Show quote history

Nails it.

Hes doing nothing wrong, nor are you.

LavenderSweetPea · 18/04/2026 12:35

BeaRightThere · 18/04/2026 12:24

I know this is an unpopular view but very gently, I do think you're being unreasonable. It sounds as though your husband, although he clearly does miss sex and want it to resume, hasn't been nasty about it and is sorting himself out. A lot of men (and women) use porn solely as a visual aid. He's not necessarily imagining himself with those women and even if he were, that doesn't mean he wouldn't much prefer to be having sex with you. It's just fantasy, it doesn't mean anything.

I would try to let it go, assuming he is a good husband and father.

I also agree with this. It's not unreasonable that you don't want to know the details, and it's not unreasonable that your sex drive is minimal (please try not to worry, it will get better!) but I'm the meantime his sex drive hasn't gone anywhere. It's not unfair of him to want to have sex, and he's made comments because in an ideal world he wants it with you! But failing that, rather than pressuring you or seeking sex elsewhere, both of which would clearly be extremely wrong, sorting himself out is the only thing he really can do.

EvolvedAlready · 18/04/2026 12:31

BeaRightThere · 18/04/2026 12:24

I know this is an unpopular view but very gently, I do think you're being unreasonable. It sounds as though your husband, although he clearly does miss sex and want it to resume, hasn't been nasty about it and is sorting himself out. A lot of men (and women) use porn solely as a visual aid. He's not necessarily imagining himself with those women and even if he were, that doesn't mean he wouldn't much prefer to be having sex with you. It's just fantasy, it doesn't mean anything.

I would try to let it go, assuming he is a good husband and father.

I agree with this.

MightyGoldBear · 18/04/2026 12:29

Absolutely not unreasonable. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Its very understandably how you feel.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my partner is using pornography/sexual content/lusting over others. Both me and partner

Have had open conversations and agreed we do not agree with pornography or lusting over others at all. We focus our intimacy completely on eachother.

Post partum is such a tough and delicate time he should be supporting you and sharing intimacy with you in a way that works for you both. Not putting pressure on you. Men are perfectly capable of not masturbating for a while or just masturbating with no pornography.

Do you feel you you could have a conversation with him about how you feel?

BeaRightThere · 18/04/2026 12:24

I know this is an unpopular view but very gently, I do think you're being unreasonable. It sounds as though your husband, although he clearly does miss sex and want it to resume, hasn't been nasty about it and is sorting himself out. A lot of men (and women) use porn solely as a visual aid. He's not necessarily imagining himself with those women and even if he were, that doesn't mean he wouldn't much prefer to be having sex with you. It's just fantasy, it doesn't mean anything.

I would try to let it go, assuming he is a good husband and father.

TheDellsYoursongNsoul · 18/04/2026 12:20

Your body has been through hell and he's hinting at'not getting any'.
Way to go selfish sod.