AIBU to feel hurt that DH watches porn while I'm postpartum?

Hardly. Just pointing out that it’s a choice he is making above other choices that may benefit his marriage.

Well he didn’t intend for her to see him and quite frankly it is no one’s business how he chooses to masturbate.

the utter controlling nature of deciding how someone is allowed to masturbate is horrifying.

you used the word …

Because some of us on here are trying to support the op in not feeling she is in the wrong and not minimise her feelings

not lower her bar to appease her dh’s feelings

Too many words in that title. “AIBU to feel hurt (also furious, outraged, disappointed) that DH watches porn.” Stop there.

This. He's perfectly capable of masturbating while using his imagination - and if he's not, that's an issue in and of itself.

Yes, it's reasonable for him to be frustrated about a lack of physical intimacy, but it's not reasonable for him to watch porn, especially when it upsets OP.

If he wants intimacy then he should be trying to actively support his wife in ways that will encourage her mental health and energy levels to improve so she might (eventually) want to engage in it. And seeing him trotting upstairs to masturbate and watch porn while she looks after the baby is not going to do that for her. Ditto to always making comments about how he's not getting any, putting pressure on her to 'perform' for him or feel like she's lacking.

Giving her time and space to decompress and engage in her own self-care would be much more useful to both him and her. But that would also require actual work, and he sounds like a short-sighted, selfish sod.

So no, OP - you're not being unreasonable.

Absolutely agree how far does porn have to go

there is something about it that feels more involved than looking at a website or pictures it’s gross

I think my obvious comment has been misinterpreted. I'm saying it's very obvious to op where his intentions are focused. If I popped back in to the house to grab my bag my dh Is likely to be right wherever I left him. Not running up the stairs with his vr headset in hand because he couldn't wait a moment longer for me to leave.
I don't think masturbation should be done in secrecy. Privacy and secrecy are different things. If we are saying it's not a hurtful activity to op then why should it be done in secret to op? That's a dangerous mindset to start having in a relationship. Affairs/cheating happen in secret. Why cant he just masturbate in the shower if the moment takes him rather than all this planning and secrecy. He doesn't need pornography or a vr headset. Just his hand. Then he would be free to accompany his family on a day out. obviously don't have all the information as to where op was going and why he wasn't joining so who knows.

The marriage is celibate now, I didn’t say it had always been celibate.

what on earth is wrong with people. Arguing semantics instead of helping.

I don’t think anyone asked you to. So you can calm down, and maybe help the op.

Does nobody else find it particularly tragic that he watches porn on a VR headset ffs??

I just can’t with these sad little gamers who need to put their fantasy goggles on all the time.

His marriage isn’t celibate the op has recently had her husbands baby

He isn’t quietly dealing with it as he keeps mentioning not having sex

That’s a disgusting thing tk say, his need to masturbate over other women, what on earth is wrong with you. I’m sure he’d prefer to have sex with his wife, but his marriage is celibate, so he’s quietly dealing with it when she’s not there, and he’s not being a dick about it either.

🙄

Again you have missed the part where he is always making comments

that is nasty in itself the op has been through a very difficult time

do we have to wait for men to actually say cruel words be physical before we pull them up on their behaviour

so what he is a bit sexually frustrated he can manage that while being respectful, supportive and loving towards his wife

Not sure I agree with most of the comments on letting this go and not being unreasonable. I don't know why but this would really upset me that as soon as I'm out the door (literally) he has to watch porn, as if he was just waiting for me to leave!! Also not sure on the vr headset thing - is that what makes porn seem like it's being done to you like point of view?? Again I'd be having a conversation with him about this and expressing my concerns that this doesn't become something that he does all the time - I can imagine vr porn being more addictive and stimulating than standard watching porn on a non vr device so I'd be keeping an eye on that. I'm probably just a control freak but I would be hurt by this op and I can see why you are

I’m not sure what you expect him to do op. You understandably don’t want to have sex with him, but also don’t wish him to masturbate? The porn is just a tool for that.

I think it’s a bit much to be honest. Or do you wish him to masturbate and use his mind only?

do you want him just to suffocate his sexual urges?

Yes or got another hobby or interest.

plenty of men don't. Sex isn't the be all and end all you know. Nobody died ever from not having sex

Why do men need to watch porn? In a VR headset, no less?
Men managed their sex drives before dirty magazines and films. They could choose to manage it now.

If he worked a bit harder on looking after his wife and child, he’d probably have less energy for it.

Honestly I’m amazed how many women think porn is essential to men. How ridiculous.

Do you really want a man who does this to you when you’re at your most vulnerable? What’s the next step, chat rooms then prostitution
I wouldn’t want that for myself or for my child to have a father like that
always amazed on some of the low standards people seem to have with this sort of thing - it’s horrible and OP and her baby deserve better.

But he was trying to do it in secret, in an empty house. Op would not have known had she not come back for her bag and guessed what he was doing.

I don't think he would have flaunted, or even told op so he wasn't trying to hurt her. He was trying to do it without her knowing,in an empty house. When other should he do it?

If you take away the ethical issues (which is not what you're posting about), I don't think he's doing anything wrong.

He's not wrong to want to relieve himself and you're not wrong to be too tired for sex.

Depending where you were off to I'd probably be more annoyed that he'd rather have a wank than join DS and yourself when he already works unsociable hours so must miss a lot of day-to-day stuff.

8 months including C-section recovery and pnd/PNA is no time at all. Don't feel rushed to be back on form until you are ready. Going back to work (assuming you are) will naturally push you to do some of the self care things you've listed, and help you be more than just an exhausted mum.

Does DH do his fair share with your DS when he is around and able?

Absolutely this.

I agree.