AIBU to feel hurt that DH watches porn while I'm postpartum?

This might unpopular, but I’m a woman I watch porn and still very much fancy my husband, he watches porn , no issue with it, hasn’t changed anything between us, we also watch it together. I think personally you are reading too much in to it.

So sorry you're going through that. I'd really recommend a minwhalla trained therapist if that's not something you've explored already.

OP actually said he was nit being nasty

There has not always been hardcore porn on video, accessible at a man's fingertips at any time or place - and especially not hardcore VR porn.

We get it. You think porn is great, and that anyone who thinks it's unethical, sordid, unhealthy, or bothersome has 'hang ups'. Blah blah blah.

Personally, I think you have dreadfully low standards, and it's rather pathetic to see so many women run to defend a man who'd rather wank over porn and make his wife feel bad, while constantly making comments about the lack of sex, rather than be a good husband who is emotionally and practically supportive of his wife during this short but difficult season of their life.

OP is not being unreasonable to feel bad. I'm not sure what the best solution is, but I think perhaps an honest conversation is needed, in which they both express their needs and desires, and figure out a compromise that takes into account that OP is the one who has birthed a baby, and is dealing with PND and PNA.

@BeaRightThere my “hangup” has arisen from being married to a self-confessed porn addict who has had therapy to no effect.

The bar has always been set low for men. All they have to do is please themselves. Women have to please everyone.

I’m invested, says the person citing he may move to paedophilia??

and let me explain the difference in porn to glamour. He isn’t wanking to just women unless it’s lesbian porn. It’s sex. There will be a man involved too.

And do you think his comments were meant positively? Do you think he was expressing happiness at their lack of sex? Because I doubt it. His comments in context cannot be neutral, and are clearly meant as subtle pressure, reminding her that he's unhappy about the lack of intimacy.

Fair enough that he's unhappy (he's entitled to be, I suppose), but he also needs to be understanding of OP's post-baby (if that makes you feel better) issues, and yet again: He should be addressing the situation by helping and uplifting the OP in ways that might allow her to feel attractive, relaxed, and more interested in intimacy with him, not by running off to engage in VR porn, and making her feel worse.

There has always been porn.

Some of you have ridiculous and frankly worrying hangups about all this.

I don’t think what he’s done is disgusting, but if it becomes a habit it will ruin the relationship. It’s a vicious circle. OP has the ick, DH keeps “sorting himself out”, OP gets used to this situation and it stops the pestering. Eventuallly there’s no sex at all. Both partners are unhappy. It’s very unhealthy so OP does need to have a conversation now.
I agree with PPs who have said that the bar seems to be set very low for men. What on earth did they do before porn?

Are you the OP's husband or what? You seem weirdly invested in this, and oddly outraged.

OP, YANBU. The bar for men is in hell, looking at this thread.

You've been through hell having a baby for the both of you. You are still recovering. Meanwhile he's off to wank to presumably images of other women where the woman isn't postpartum and recovering. That is DEEPLY hurtful.

She didn’t say he was complaining, making comments is not automatically a complaint and post partum is technically up to 6 weeks post birth.

Jesus, standards are low. The OP says he's always making comments - nasty or not, it's pressuring to hear your partner constantly complain that you're not having sex with them when you're postpartum and dealing with a good deal of issues relating to that.

But yes, you're quite right: it does seem that he is just meeting his own needs. In fact, it seems to be all about his own selfish needs.

Yes I thought at least it was better catching him running up the stairs on the way to wank than the alternative of walking in on a half naked headset wearing man thrusting into his fist 😂

Oh my god. You need to stop. And am reporting this, how dare you move to paedophilia.

Nobody says anything trumps the other, he has needs and so does she. What’s missing here is maybe DH helping OP with her own self confidence

I'm in agreement with this.

We are all sexual beings and have needs. Seems he is just meeting his own needs and doesn't appear to be being nasty or putting pressure on the OP to have sex.

Leave the guy be if this is his release.

Well that's fine for you in your relationship but actually many people feel it is there business because of that secrecy. when does it cross the line to being op business? If he is using family money to pay for only fans? If he is looking at children?
Personally in my relationship transparency is key if I share a life money and children then to a degree how my partner chooses to masturbate is my business. That's not controlling. That partner has full agency to leave the relationship if we have different views.

He shouldn't be making comments or pressuring you - he could definitely also be a lot more subtle about it - its giving the ick

You are not unreasonable to feel hurt - and many women can recognise feeling low and hating the way your body changed; being tired; having no energy.

It will all pass, even though it doesn’t feel that way. Your H is not the reason you feel how you feel - the early years with our babies are tough for many women.

I’d join with the others in saying - focus on surviving. If you can get more help - do! Or simplify things - so that you get more rest? And slowly you’ll start coming out of it.

You H is also just trying to survive. He is working hard - and more hours for his family. He seems to be a good H/father - does he help when he can?

As to sex - it is really a simple physical need. Porn doesn’t make you imagine having sex with another person - it just stimulates some visual part of the brain, and leads to a quicker release.
I’d go as far as to say - masturbating without porn would actually require one to imagine a scenario where a real person is involved.
And it’s not as much fun masturbating imagining your spouse - when you can imagine [insert favourite celebrity, sexy neighbour, etc]….

So - really - let him be and focus on yourself.
He’d rather have sex with you and he is giving you time and space to get back to wanting it again. While dealing with his needs discretely.

I’m also sorry to see @BeaRightThere and @EvolvedAlready condoning his behaviour.

It’s not normal, it’s not ok and everyone doesn’t do it.

Sadly they’ve internalised misogyny. Listen to your instincts - don’t put up with this.

No. Attitudes like this are everything that’s wrong with the world (well, some of it). Here is a woman who has physically been through hell and quite naturally does not want sex. It doesn’t mean she will never want sex again (and if she does feel this way that’s fine too) but certainly for now it’s off the cards and that’s okay. Marriage is more than about sex. Her dh can masturbate all he wants but cracking one off to some porn the minute she steps out the door is horrid. I’m sure there are a million things around the house he could be doing instead in some helpful contribution. It’s okay to find porn disgusting and for it to be a deal breaker.

When I was younger (45 now) I would have had the same attitude as many on this thread saying it’s fine etc even though actually I was not fine with it, because society (men!) want to make us think we have to accept but actually we don’t! I would rather be on my own than having sex I don’t want and stuck with some grubby little man wanking off to porn whilst I recovered from a hideous birth and looked after our child. Fuck that.

You deserve so much better.

Please consider leaving him. His behaviour is not normal; it’s abusive.

I hate pornography- many men do too and my DH would never watch it because he knows it’s disrespectful to women and damaging.

You’re recovering from having his baby- he should be caring for you, not doing this.

Start getting things ready to leave him when you’ve recovered. Your child doesn’t need a crap father like this.

No, it's not. It's perfectly reasonable for someone to not want their partner to watch porn, and to have that as a deal breaker. People can have deal breakers regarding smoking, drugs, drinking, gambling - and in the case of porn, it's unethical, addictive, and totally unnecessary, and totally fine to not tolerate.

It's also damaging OP's self image at a time when she needs her husband to be supporting and uplifting her, not running off to watch 'point of view' porn in a VR headset that makes it easier for him to imagine the porn star is having sex with him.

Not to mention, he keeps making little comments about how he misses sex, as though to put pressure on her - but doesn't seem to be doing anything that might make her more amenable to resuming sex.

(ETA: Not that I think she should be having sex with him, but from his perspective that's what he wants, so you'd think he'd do things that might make her feel supported, loved, relaxed, and attractive, not leaving her to feel small, unattractive, stressed, and unsupported while he wanks over porn.)

My intention was to show solidarity with the OP in finding this sad and hurtful, rather than piling on with everyone else saying ‘the poor man has needs!’ while ignoring the difficult time she’s had with the birth and her body, and his nagging her about sex, and the fact she’s off out with the baby while he stays at home strapping himself into an alternative sexual fantasy world most likely peopled by AI generated young girls’ bodies or weird pre pubescent anime schoolgirls made up to suit men’s grim fantasies.

I do think that’s grim and selfish, and I’m not going to join in making this OP’s problem and telling her to get over herself and count her blessings that she has a husband who will jerk off in private rather than assaulting her or relentlessly badgering her into sex she doesn’t want.

Is this really where we’ve got to?