AIBU to feel hurt that DH watches porn while I'm postpartum?

I'm not a man - I'm sure MNHQ can verify that for you if you want (I've posted something linked to my real name under a previous username; and I've been on MN under various names for 10 years now).

I have, however, seen plenty of marital breakdowns due to lack of sex resulting in infidelity. It's all well and good saying that you don't have to have sex, but the reality is that if you don't have sex with your husband for long enough, in many cases he will eventually start to look for sex elsewhere. That may not be palatable, but it's the reality, and ignoring that does women a disservice.

You see it all the time on the relationship board - women who admit they've not had sex with their husband for years, who are devastated when he then has an affair or leaves for another woman.

I agree with this.

I also wonder what everyone who thinks he should just have a quick wank in the shower think about women using toys and taking the time to pleasure themselves, instead of just taking a quick minute in the shower? Is that also disrespectful and gross?

Hi OP. I just came to say that I could have written this post. I'm 10 months PP, still b/f and have a husband doing the same and also making comments - while I'm feeling like a mess. Don't want to hijack your thead but just say you're not the only one and send you a hug x

Exactly. The OP should be able to talk with him about this, and, if he's a decent father, he should be providing as much support as he can to give her time to recover. It's a long slog looking after babies and him focusing his attention elsewhere isn't going to improve their relationship.

It's not the masturbation that's dangerous it's the hiding things from your partner and secrecy thats a dangerous mindset to have. It has potential to develop further. Its certainly not the foundation of trust and doesn't promote intimacy. Its the absolute opposite direction this man should be going if he wants more intimacy with his partner.

To announce suggest he still wouldnt be considering his partner. So yes when both options are not considering his partner there is a issue. When you're in a relationship you can't do exactly as you please and expect the other person to never have feelings about it.

Watching porn and masturbation are not synonymous.

You need to have an honest conversation with him OP. Make it clear that his comments about sex are hurting you, and while you understand that he has needs, they need to stop.

Same with the porn. Would you have an issue with it if you weren't experiencing these health issues and had an active sex life? If it's making you feel inadequate due to your current circumstances, tell him. Try and find a compromise. Ask him why he's watching it...his response might reassure you if it is just a visual aid.

I don't believe in dictating when, where and how someone can masturbate (within reason), but equally if him watching porn is an absolute red line for you in any circumstances, you're absolutely entitled to feel that way. But you must make that clear to him, so that he can make an informed choice.

The op posted she had explained to her dp why she is not feeling like wanting to have sex and he is always mentioning not getting any - that is not supportive or what should be expected from a loving caring partner

if after reading her whole post you still think he is not being nasty then you bar is low for how women should be treated

If he was choosing to wank instead of having sex, then yes it becomes a problem.

But choosing to masturbate whilst maintaining a healthy sex life or because their partner does not want to right now, is absolutely fine and normal.

I’m sure OP masturbates too, or will do soon, even if she’s not ready for sex yet.

I agree.

We get enough shame from men when it comes to enjoying sex.

Women enjoy partaking in and watching porn too.
We are not all downtrodden little damsels in distress.

If my DH had an issue with me watching porn or masturbation then I would see it as controlling and would end the relationship.

Probably a quiet wank in a corner.

Tough life choices for some couples.

Woman's *body, not boy 😅

I suspect this is one of the many menz chipping in. Like catnip to them threads like this. Tragic.

This nails it in my view. Don't get the feeling OP's DH is supporting her in being a new mum especially given what she went through with the birth and after it.

Your name suits you!

I've said that it's both understandable for him to want to be intimate with his wife, and to masturbate, so I'm not sure why you're saying that. Masturbation is perfectly healthy!

What's not okay is to make constant comments about the absence of sex (which I am willing to bet are not 'it's totally fine we're not having sex, honey! I fully support you, and don't miss it at all!' but rather do put pressure on her), and watch porn, while also not doing anything to lighten his wife's load or make her feel supported, attractive, and potentially more interested in intimacy.

Yes, she probably should initiate a talk about how she feels regarding the porn, and her self-image, and how they can support each other moving forward, but at the moment it seems as though he's not doing very much to try to support his wife when she needs it most - rather he's focusing on his own selfish desires, in a way that ironically is going to make her want him less.

I'm with you and I enjoy watching porn also. But this is MN and anyone who watches porn is classed as disgusting, especially men 🙄

How is it dangerous to masturbate in private?

If this husband announced it, it would be an issue. Does it alone discreetly and it’s still an issue

Not necessarily. Specialist content/accessories for that do exist, but OP doesn't mention them.

You can use a VR headset to virtually project a large screen in front of you to watch video content. And if you're watching porn that way, there's the added bonus it being completely private.

Thats why I said to a degree and not every single detail.
What will affect the other partner will be subjective to that partner we are all different. So a general conversation about pornography and masturbation needs to be had at the start of the relationship.
Transparency is where both partners freely want to share with eachother not feeling they have to

or should.

All relationships can look differently but it's important op is a active part in what her relationship looks like and that it suits her.

But its okay for him to want to have sex with his wife is it not? His comments are not nasty (even the OP admits this) and its not like he is nagging her or pestering her in bed for it. He is obviously wanting to be intimate with his wife. It seems she has told him she doesn't feel like it at the moment so okay, maybe she should ask him to stop with the comments about it if it makes her feel bad. But its down to her to tell him this and communicate that she doesn't like them.

But I still don't think there is anything wrong with him pleasuring himself if he needs to. Its not selfish to get yourself off if you feel the need. There is nothing wrong with masturbation. Most of us do it, myself included. Surely better to do that than have an affair or go out and pay for it don't you think?

I completely disagree.

As long as it doesn’t affect the other person (like it’s if it’s using money or something illegal) then it’s fine to not need to know every single detail about each other.

I am assuming your DH isn’t sat there writing your posts with you and you’re not going to update him on what you’ve said on here - if you feel you need to then you are in a controlling relationship.

Your DH has no right to know anything about how often you masturbate, how you’re doing it or what you’re doing it to and vice versa.

Ewwww. Poor you OP. Porn use is gross on SO many levels. He does not sound like a very good partner tbh. But it's all on him. Do not be castigating yourself. Enjoy your baby. 💐

He is always making comments about not getting any albeit they are not nasty.

You are focusing on the wrong thing here.

Him masturbating or watching porn aren’t the issue.

Him constantly bringing up the fact that he’s not having sex is what’s disrespectful.

I said no such thing, you are mixing me up with someone else. Although that person did not actually say he might move to paedophilia. She said where is the line drawn with what is acceptable? Why would it bother you so much anyway, unless you know these people? Why are you so insistent to defend the right of this husband to wank to porn while his wife recovers from birthing their baby?

Are you suggesting he's wanking to look at men now? If he's straight, that's not it. And we all know straight porn focuses more on the woman's boy.

At this point, you might as well be jumping up and down on the spot shouting pick me, pick me. If you're actually a woman.