AIBU to feel hurt that DH watches porn while I'm postpartum?

Yes you can. But why would he need privacy when he's at home alone?

There's only one reason to use a VR headset when you're alone and it's not for privacy.

Yes. With POV VR porn the man involved is him. Its one step down from having a sex doll.

I find it bizarre how many people are unable to distinguish between “masturbation” and “porn”.

Who are all you posters who are wanking off to porn?! Haven’t you got anything else to do? Seriously, I’m amazed.

So many pearl clutching weirdos on this thread wanting to police how another human being finds a release in a unilaterally decided celibate marriage.

We get it, he has his hand - how dare he actually try to make it interesting.

Eight months is a long time to not have needs met. Of course, it could actually be longer depending if OP went off sex during pregnancy too.

I don’t think he’s unreasonable to try to explain those needs either, and it doesn’t sound like he’s said anything pressuring - just communicated that he would like intimacy to resume.

I also think it’s disingenuous to refer to yourself as postpartum 8 months after birth.

He should be able to eank with out stopping to porn.

Ok the fact you didn't seem to realise I had no problem with wanking, just not to porn made me think you hadn't read it.

And yeah masturbating with a VR headset doesn't stop him from sterilising bottles - great catch. Something else is stopping him from doing that. I don't know, laziness, selfishness, lack of empathy, take your pick.

I don’t think anyone is failing to realise that. However, modern freely available online porn shows extreme and violent images, and frequently uses trafficked, and exploited women. And is highly addictive. There is a big difference between that and erotic cave paintings.

On a side note, I love your name!

Agree their posts are obvious on these threads.

The absolute pick mes this subject always brings out.
you are allowed to have any boundary in your relationship

Of course we realise porn has been around since ancient times - I wrote a dissertation on Victorian sexuality for god's sake - but online porn is a whole different boardgame. One click and pretty much anyone anywhere could be watching it. (A plumber came to my sister's work and she caught him watching it on his phone while he was waiting for his colleague to fetch a part!) I myself used to read Henry Miller and Harold Robbins aged 15 from my parents' bookshelves, but I was still needing to use my imagination. It was the written word. Not a video played in front of my eyes.

I think what I'm getting from OP is it's the fact she's not feeling in a great place after DS's birth and off DH goes to look at unrealistic women online. Which is fair. And for god's sake, it's his baby she's had not just hers. Why doesn't he pull his finger out (unfortunate phrase maybe) and then they might end up having sex again sooner?

Society is very brainwashed about this, OP. It has become so normalised and men so entitled that women are told they’re not allowed to have a negative feeling about it.

porn is no longer a top shelf magazine or a video from a seedy shop with no windows. It’s extreme, plentiful, the women often look very young and is quite often violent. Men who watch it see women as objects, that’s the part of their brain that lights up as they view. I would urge the cool wives to look at what their husbands are viewing then come back and tell us they still think it’s harmless.

’he’s not thinking about having sex with them’ that old chestnut. Of course he is.

No, I read it.

Masturbating with a VR headset prevents the husband from sterilising bottles how exactly? But using imagination means that he can still help around the house?

So many posters don't seem to realise that pornographic images have been around more or less since drawing was invented. The ancient Greeks produced quite a lot of very explicit artworks! Pornographic images on paper were followed by photographs and films, and now it's all over the internet. Masturbating to pornographic images is nothing new, people certainly haven't always been using just their imagination.

I don't think the OP's DH is in the wrong here, he's trying to deal with not having sex. If watching porn is a red line for the OP in general then she needs to talk to him, but I wouldn't hold out much hope that he's going to stop watching it, especially not as long as he is not having sex. Ten months is not long over the course of a lifetime, but it does feel very long while you're going through it.

Erm - so you didn't read my final sentence then: "Surely DH can have a wank without VR headset, porn etc. What happened to the old days when we used our imaginations?"
So for the avoidance of doubt, this is a porn-specific issue. Wank away, I say, but how about at night when partner is asleep and he's in another room rather than whacking on the VR headset the moment she leaves the house & running upstairs to crack one out 'to porn' (again for the avoidance of doubt) like a teenager? And why doesn't he help sterilising bottles or look after their DS so she can go and have nails done or hair cut or whatever would help her feel more herself again?

@MyNavyFish do you think you can have a conversation about this with him? The awkward silence must be festering for both of you.
He’s not wrong for having a sex drive, and you’re not wrong for not feeling ready for a sexual relationship. Sex is hard to talk about because we all come with baggage of some sort.

Ester Perel has a wonderful podcast and I’ve found listening to some of the couple conversations helped me expand my comfort zone of what we could and should bring into the open.

Agree. He isn’t pressuring you.

So this isn’t a porn-specific issue, he just shouldn’t masturbate at all then. All of it takes away from dad responsibilities?

It’s like anything, alcohol/fags/drugs/porn. It’s all fine until it isn’t and it has an impact on someone you love. Then you pack it in.

No thing wrong with masturbation. Plenty wrong with watching porn.

Another agree with this!
Hubs says it can actually get quite painful with a full load on board so to speak!
I admit him being online within minutes of you walking out the door is a bit fast however his sex drive hasn’t gone anywhere and he’s just scratching an itch so to speak. He probably isn’t imaging sex with others that’s just your low self confidence speaking. He’s not pressuring you to have sex and he’s not on dating apps/ seeking sex elsewhere so I’d see the porn as a win!

Yeah reminds me of an ex partner. Came back once and curtains were closed in living room middle of the day. We were having regular sex too. Most online porn use I'm afraid to say is pretty sad and squalid.

But not having sex for years is a bit different to currently not feeling like it postpartum, post surgery, post having had postnatal depression and anxiety, and not sounding like OP's getting much support from their partner. She mentions she doesn't have time for any self care as has DS the whole time and goes to bed after sterilising bottles etc exhausted. Why isn't DH helping? And aside from that, it's a small window of life and I'm sure OP's sex drive will come back. Surely DH can have a wank without VR headset, porn etc. What happened to the old days when we used our imaginations?

It's just so pathetic. First chance you're out of the house he's upstairs watching porn?

Whatta a guy