AIBU to feel hurt that DH watches porn while I'm postpartum?

This thread is NOT about masturbation. It’s about the use of porn.

Agree with this.

Omg people like this live breathe and exist

A VR headset to watch porn is the ultimate ick Christ alive I honestly can’t believe I’ve just read that and people are defending it as normal.

Nobody is saying he can’t “release sperm”. Wouldn’t want his balls going blue after all! The point is him using images of potentially exploited, trafficked women to do it. And his lack of….sensitivity… towards the mother of his child.

God, men really can’t be subtle can they? We know a lot of them watch porn so don’t take it too hard. I’ve caught my husband out a few times, but to be honest it doesn’t really bother me. Good chance to take the piss. This is more about you and how you’re feeling and coping. Don’t fixate on the porn because that’s not the real issue here - focus on finding ways to get yourself back to feeling like you again x

My ex husband had a huge issue with pornography. I first found out when I found a vhs tape just after I had my first baby. I destroyed the tape after putting it into the video machine and releasing what it was.
It didn’t stop him. Then it was DVDs and finally the online porn. He had a job where he was home for long periods of time and would constantly be online watching this material. He would still pester me for sex which was extremely off putting because he was unable to perform because of all the wanking. It was sickening and revolting. He was so addicted to it he couldn’t and wouldn’t stop. I was also subjected to ideas and suggestions which he’d clearly seen on his porn sites. Humiliation type scenarios. Again, sickening and dehumanising.
Porn isn’t harmless.

Men need to release sperm. How would you prefer he does it if you aren’t helping him along?
This is the stage where may men cheat due to lack of sex. As women, we can’t understand how important sex is for men. Either give him sex, let him cheat or let him watch his porn - or let him go completely.

just because you don’t want sex doesn’t mean he doesn’t. I think he’s handled it well. Sorry you’re upset - j would be too but then my logical side would kick in.

Of course it has. How is that relevant to someone watching on line pornography today?

Porn is the scourge of society.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. Don't let anyone gaslight you and make you feel less than because you feel this way about your DH viewing porn, including himself.

That being said, he does deserve attention as much as (and more than) the house and chores. If they are making you so tired that you are not able to give him attention, then it's okay to let those things wait so you can rekindle the bond with your DH.

He'll be okay with an untidy house if it means he gets to spend time with you.

Have you 2 had a date night in awhile? Maybe you need a romantic day planned, weekly or every other week, so you can spend time together? It might help rekindle things for the both of you.

This. As far as I'm concerned it's tantamount to cheating. As for the ethical issues, I'm afraid I cannot set those aside.

It’s funny because I had never seen a gang bang ‘acted’ non-consensually, triple penetration or anal fisting on a girl that looked underage until around 2011.

Nobody was drawing that in hieroglyphics.

First sensible response I've seen relating to porn on MN! 👏🏼 I agree with this.

Of course, but erotic art - and indeed actual pornographic art - has been around for thousands of years, it's not a modern invention, it's something humans create.

You can't expect him to lose his sex drive alongside yours. He just needs to understand where you're at and not make comments. (And be less obvious when he wants to sort himself out.) Sounds like you need another conversation about this with him to talk about how you both feel.

I agree with this. I would be nostalgic anjoyed that I felt like I didn't get a moment alone without the baby while he seems to have time to sort himself out. He needs to be pulling his weight rather than be grumping about what he isn't getting. Once op loses respect for him the marriage is as good as over.

No one is saying masturbating to online porn stops him from being a dad - but he's clearly not being a supportive dad, and helping with the baby would actually give OP some time for herself, in which to feel more her again. And therein might lead the road to resuming their sex life quicker. OP paints a picture of a DH who's not pulling his weight. Nothing so unsexy as a second child to deal with.

And come on, there's a furtive, teenagery vibe to this. OP goes out with the baby and he's rushing upstairs with VR headset. Of course no one can police how another person masturbates, but I think many of us feel frustrated that so many men (and some women) hit the button to often violent, extreme and demeaning content and feel wistful for the old days of Readers' Wives and the odd VHS! And of course they can do it, but many of us don't have to like or put up with it.

He sounds pathetic doesn’t he. Sad little wanker. I’d never want to sleep with him again.

have DS on my own all the time I have no time for self care like hair, make up and nails.

This would insinuate that he isnt a good husband and father; if OP has DS on her own all the time, the "father" likely does sweet FA, yes he works but he doesnt work 24/7, he has a VR headset, he finds time for that but OP cant even get a relaxing bath and some self care.

Also, given the OP was going out with DS (alone, again...); and he decided that rather than join them; he'd use the time to go have a wank with a VR headset, why not take the opportunity to spend time with his wife and child? This again would insinuate he isnt a good husband or father. He could have spent that free time joining his wife and child on their trip but the first thing that popped into his head was to run upstairs with the VR to empty his balls.

Doesn't sound like a good husband and father to me.

OP YANBU, he's a selfish prick.

Can you really not see a difference between erotic art and online porn?

The thing is, if there is a strong moral objection to porn or it’s affecting the relationship then that is absolutely valid.

But the idea that you that it stops him from being a dad or doing chores makes no sense. Whether you look at photos/videos or not, masturbation is masturbation. And it’s not stopping him from being attracted to op either.

Even men/women who prefer to use their imagination might still want to look at something from time to time. Ive had issues with porn in my own relationship but you can’t police what people do/watch in privacy especially if sex is off the table.

Did they? Erotic art is thought to go back about 40,000 years, it's considerably older than the invention of magazines or film.

They're the sort of people who can't imagine a man that could pleasure themselves without the use of a woman, virtual or otherwise. I'm sure back in generations past they would've been the ones insisting that OP just needs to lie back and think of England twice a week, because her DH needs release, and it's her job to provide it.

But men are quite capable of having a nice, relaxing, leisurely wank without the use of porn that makes their DW feel awful (ethical issues aside), and then getting up and doing the washing/sterilising bottles/taking the baby for a few hours, so that their DW can go have a nice pamper session and feel like a human again.

This prince among men seems only concerned with pleasing himself though.

But why would he need privacy when he's at home alone?

In case anyone pops back unexpectedly? So he doesn't have to use his phone or a tablet/computer that others might use? Maybe he just wants that 120" virtual screen, Dolby Surround emersive experience 😅

There's only one reason to use a VR headset when you're alone and it's not for privacy.

I watched The Terminator on mine the other night 😬

Just because YOU enjoy watching trafficked women being raped doesn't mean the rest of us have to agree with it

You ARE aware of the stats on this I take it?