to find DM harder to deal with as she gets older?

What do you mean by "moving her on?"

I've read all OP's posts and didn't see her contemplating moving her mother anywhere.

People are all different. I cope with technology and I'm fine with apps. I don't choose to get stuck in what was normal as I grew up.

Well said.

Fear. Obligation. Guilt.

No it isn't. Plenty of people manage to get older without becoming abusive bullies.

Tell her unless she grants POA to you and your sister you won't be able to deal with her finances going forward. POA provides protection to the donor anyway ( I'm sure you're not stealing her money).

Oh no of course not, no one would should be treated badly. I’m supposed I’m badly saying that mostly there’s more to it than one sees when they’re young. Your mum and I lived in a different time, a different age, a different generation. Life was very different for us. As an example I hate having all the apps on my phone for simple things like banking, booking a show etc. it’s not our generation.,but of course, no one needs to be rude

you need someone here all the time - I can’t afford to give up work - I’ll arrange a social services assessment to get you what you need.

if she says no - tough - she gets in with things herself then.

do not let her blackmail and emotionally manipulate you or your sister into doing things for her.

this will only get worse and you can’t enable this behaviour . She will destroy your lives if you pander to her ever request.

put your foot down. Say no. If she has a tantrum about not getting her own way - treat it like a toddler - walk away and don’t react - she has to start learning that throwing her weight around doesn’t get her her own way.

you and your sister do what you want to support her - do not feel obligated to join her in her demise - statutory services exist and she can pay for care if she ‘needs’ it.

pp asked if OP could have her sister stay, not her mother.

Why are you giving her so much effort and time if she was so abusive?

I’m sure other people have said it, but that needs strongly encouraging ASAP
I lived with my mother for six weeks in 1999
It took over two years for both of us to get over that

Oh FFS

Shes not a nice person. Shes a crap mother. Always has been, always will. It’s just getting even worse with age.

i wouldn’t even consider moving her on. I wouldn’t have her around my children and I’d limit my interaction to the bare minimum

I’m my experience older people just do get like this. It needs a huge amount of patience. I’ve always worked with children of various ages, my family have often commented how patient and how kindly I speak to the older generation in our family, but that’s because I talk to them like they are 5. Plus as with the children, especially when you learn as a teacher, you can’t always “answer them back “. My tuning out skills are beyond excellent. My ability to not answer or not comment is out of this world. On the other hand my uncle in his late 70s is so frustrated , rude and bored of any family member above him and he doesn’t have any patience with them.

unfortunately (even as I have found) retirement does make you slower. I don’t approach things at 100mph anymore because I don’t have to. I retired 2 years ago and initially I spent every day being busy, sorting my house, going shopping….because it was absolute joy and novelty all built into one. I still also had that “busy “ mindset. 2 years on, I rarely go out, I’ve settled into a new routine that doesn’t involve rushing, going out, the shops hold no interest to me…pottering around is my all time favourite. Does that make old!? I’m not sure ….if it does, I don’t care. Although admittedly I’m not rude to my kids or grandkids, I enjoy them visiting me. In fact I’m waiting now for some of my lot to pop in.

i no longer drive but that’s a different example, I have a back problem. I only drive if I have to and the longer I don’t drive, the less I want to. I went out yesterday for the first time in about 4 days to go to Tesco briefly. Hated every minute of driving there and won’t need to again for a while. We can never know how being old feels until we get there sadly

If you're dealing with all her bills do you and your sister have POA?

Very interested in your experience. How did your relative react? Was everyone on board or was it just you who changed your approach?

We have one in my family. Driving her offspring to distraction and I'm getting it from both sides. She is impossible to comfort in any small way.

Won't contact friends, won't get therapy, won't entertain antidepressants, won't use pain relief. My sympathy goes out to @olaay.

Well she can pay for carers then. She's just a bully.

It sounds as though your mother feels very helpless and stuck. I would focus less on the content of her speech and more on just letting her know she is loved. Judging those that are in decline with mental and physical issues to deal with helps nobody. The truth is of course she needs to get out more and meet people, but I know that’s not always easy.

Sweet Jesus I wouldn’t dream of introducing this woman in to my family home with my children

What was your childhood like? What was she like as a mother before this deterioration?

I thought my DM was getting a bit difficult but nothing in comparison to your DM and she is 10 years older. My DM uses a smartphone and a computer, although she does have all sorts of difficulties with both.

I’m not surprised to hear about her reaction to the possibility of depression. Mental health problems are very stigmatized in that generation. My DM was in a terrible state for abnout a year after my dad died and wouldn’t entertain the idea of bereavement counselling- instead she used me as her bereavement counsellor and it nearly broke me.

Regarding the rigidity- do you think that is controlling behaviour or could she be autistic?

That repeatedly talking about people in the past who have hurt her. Sounds annoying. Cognitive decline? Reframing the past to turn herself into a victim when she actually wasn’t?