to find DM harder to deal with as she gets older?

Do you think she could be autistic? Just thinking of the rigid mindset and fixation on the jumper. Not that it excuses anything anyway just a thought. I have older family members a bit like this but older than your DM. It’s really exhausting so YANBU.

cant your sister stay witj you untip
sje gets oj jwr feet? Anything rather than being your mums skivvy!

Your mother is choosing to become old, very young. She may have may years to regret that.

I hope your sister can get out soon, and I'm afraid I would be having as little to do with her as possible, if I were you or your sister. The way she is treating you two is atrocious.

I'm coming up 55, had a stroke just over two years ago, struggle with depression and anxiety, and general ill health, perimenopause, weight gain, etc. This is not a reason to expect and demand to load everything that I don't want to do on everyone else's shoulders at my beck and call. And she has to take some responsibility for her own physical and mental health, no one else can do that work for her, and it's her who is going to live with the consequences if she doesn't.

I'm in the same age bracket at the mother. What a selflish attitude she shows.

Because you don't know any different, you can't see how utterly bananas it seems to the rest of us that you even talk to this complete monster.

I think the only way for you to heal and see things with clear eyes is probably therapy. Get some asap! And in the meantime support your sister with things like a few nights on your sofa to escape her abuser as much as possible.

Well you're obviously giving her too much effort and time if you are this annoyed by her?
If you had 0 contact with her none of this would be an issue.
Don't understand why you allow her so much energy. Either dont visit or dont pick up the phone to someone who abused you. At some point continuing to engage is your choice.

Focus on supporting your sister to get free of her. You shouldn't be managing her bills without POA anyway. She's already shown the capacity to make malicious unfounded allegations.

100%. You can’t help your mother, she doesn’t want you to help her. She wants to make demands you cannot meet.

The financial/POA situation is a big red flag. At some point she’s going to accuse you and/or your sister of stealing from her. Please stop managing her finances so that she cannot do this to you.

You may be able to help your sister, and you sound like you two have a good relationship, so focus your energy on that.

Tell her off? Well that was big of him. Didn’t stop an entire childhood of violence though did it?

Anyway - it sounds like you can’t see the wood for the trees on this. Your mother shouldn’t be your focus. Supporting and getting your sister out should be.

So? Your dad must have been a passive bystander to this vicious an ongoing abuse . Who cares what he said. You shouldn’t.

Your focus should be on encouraging your sister to massively withdraw from an abusive and deeply unpleasant woman who has always been like this.

So your mum was physically violent to you? You have said that she and your dad had a very traditional marriage where he worked and she looked after the children. Was she abusive to you and your sister throughout your childhood? If so, I have no idea why you are bending over backwards to help her. She sounds like an utterly toxic person and she expects you and your sister to wait on her hand and foot even though she has been a terrible mother to you both and still is.

It was just us.

She tantrummed, she bad mouthed us to other people but ultimately what other power did she have.

Emotionally immature people learn to use other people’s empathy to get their needs met. Ultimately if you are going to address that you are going to have to expect that they won’t like it and learn to be okay with that. I think for many people that feeding of not being liked anymore can feel a bit like a rejection or abandonment and it can be really tough to deal with but with support it can be tolerated and that changes everything.

The person I’m talking to still engages in the exact same behaviour with everyone else but she has learned she can no longer get away with the behaviour with us and has adjusted accordingly.

You had/have a narcissistic mother, she’s not going to get any better with age. She sounds controlling and demanding with not much appreciation that you and your sister also have your own lives. She might have some cognitive decline but it sounds more that she just demands and expects rather than being incapable herself. She is still quite ‘young’. You both might have to set some boundaries with her and perhaps your sister should move out before she gets stuck there. Your mother could live for another 20 years.

Ruminating is a common feature of autism and I suspect also abusive people. She sounds complicated!

Sounds worse than my DM. She's actually really young in the scheme of things and you might have many more years of this learned helplessness.

I found this podcast helpful. It makes a distinction between dementia (very different) to older people who are difficult, probably always were but now more so!

How to talk to difficult older people...

There are a lot of people on this thread making excuses for your DM, but she sounds monstrous to me. She was abusive when you were a child and she's being abusive and manipulative now, no surprise there since people's worst character traits often become even more pronounced with age, but it must be horrible to have to deal with. I echo the question about autism as she seems to have many traits that could be autistic. Early 70s is very young to so rigid, controlling and insistent that she's old and cannot do anything for herself any more. Not that a diagnosis (even a suspected one) makes any difference, unless you can seek advice based on your suspicions?

I understand that there are women in that generation (my DM is one of them) who always left the household finances up to their husband, so not being able to manage bills is not so difficult to understand. However, giving up driving at this stage is very odd IMO and I don't know anyone from that generation who has given up driving so early unless there was a medical reason for doing so - and it doesn't sound like there is with your DM.

I feel for both you and your DSis - your DM sounds absolutely awful and I can't stand selfish people who wallow. Your DSis should, if anything, work as much as she can so she can save up faster and get the hell out of there! There is absolutely no need for your DM to have 24-hour care so her suggestion that your DSis gives up work to take care of her is, I suspect, part and parcel of her autism/depression/manipulativeness/selfishness (it's hard to tell which or combination thereof!)

With that kind of mindset she will inevitably accelerate ageing, your sister may well end up in a caring role the longer she lives with her.
Very difficult.