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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to keep quiet about a friend’s mother’s death?

40 replies

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 18/04/2026 09:35

hi everyone, needing some advice on etiquette when someone dies.

my friend’s mum suddenly died on Thursday - it’s incredibly sad and a real shock. My mum was friends with her and it’s someone she has known for years ( through school and her children etc). My mum is not aware that she has died - my friend is very private and told my DH yesterday after he asked if she wanted to grab a coffee.

DH has told me not to say anything to my mum as it’s my friends news to tell but I feel a little strange knowing this about someone in my mum’s life. Just need some guidance on what etiquette is here.

aibu - keep quiet until mum finds out organically
yanbu - your mum should know, odd that you knew and didn’t tell her

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 18/04/2026 09:59

Unless your friend had specifically asked for people not to be told then I think it’s fine for you to tell your mum.
It’s obviously very sad/difficult telling people when a close relative has passed, not something I wanted to do more than I needed. (I know from experience of my own mum passing, but then again we’re all different).

PissedOffAndStuck · 18/04/2026 09:59

Ask your friend what she would prefer.

AliTheMinx · 18/04/2026 09:55

Agree. You should definitely tell your mum.

Pickledonion1999 · 18/04/2026 09:44

I would tell your mum. Your friend I imagine would assume your dh will tell you and you will tell your mum.

AuntChippy · 18/04/2026 09:44

Unless your friend explicitly asked that he kept it to himself, I think it’s fine to mention it.

DuskOPorter · 18/04/2026 09:43

Your DH is very lacking in social nuance there. Of course you tell your mother.

Zanatdy · 18/04/2026 09:42

Perfectly normal to tell her.

Original poster
Dinosaurhearmeroar · 18/04/2026 09:41

Thank you - agree DH is being a bit weird about it which I did say. I will tell my mum - that is organically you’re right.

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 18/04/2026 09:39

Ask her to let you know about funeral arrangements, Ask how she is, and check how she wants the news to be handled.

Smartiepants79 · 18/04/2026 09:38

Ask your friend if you’re concerned about sharing the news precipitously. I also think it’s a bit odd to know something like this and not tell others who might want to know. It will be public knowledge that a person has died. It’s not a secret. With things like this I think family actually rely on word of mouth to let extended friends know. They don’t want to go round contacting everyone individually.

Itsnouse · 18/04/2026 09:38

I would tell your Mum. I find it hard to tell people about a my own bereavement because I am so close to tears. I would hope that other people would spread the news on my behalf.

Primroseandgolf · 18/04/2026 09:38

DH has told me not to say anything to my mum as it’s my friends news to tell

The bereaved don’t go around telling every single person separately. What a burden that would be. Tell your mum.

powersthatbe · 18/04/2026 09:37

Tell your mum, unless she is sort to post about it on facebook. Your DH is being weird.

Changedasouting · 18/04/2026 09:37

No tell your mum, her finding out threw you is organically

its not like a birth. When someone dies suddenly you have enough stuff to do. And having to tell people was the worst

PersonalJaysus · 18/04/2026 09:36

Just tell her?