To feel this way after an event

I’m the exact same and I just don’t go out much anymore. I don’t enjoy social things at all unless I drink, I used to think I had a drink problem but it’s just so much easier and I actually enjoy being social if drinking. Now with peri menopause I can’t drink as it makes me unable to function the next day and I get so anxious so I just don’t go out anymore as I wouldn’t enjoy it and be absolutely drained afterwards! I try to be kinder to myself now in my 40s and also if it’s such hard work they’re just not people for you anyway. I will say I’m even struggling to be social with close friends now without alcohol too, feel really boring now tbh

It is the ADHD but it’s not just the ADHD.

I think the big thing is learning to accept that’s the way you are, that it’s perfectly fine to be the way you are and that you want different things from what some other people want.

One trick is to go to these things, stay half an hour then leave and enjoy the feeling of freedom when you escape. Once you come to know yourself then you can give yourself what you know you need and want.

I can’t work out if you wanted to stay or if you’re berating yourself because you didn’t want to stay but feel that you should have wanted that.

I can imagine how awkward it felt. I’m not ND but if I’m sober surrounded by people drinking I definitely feel out of place, so it’ll have felt even worse for you. Don’t overthink it

Op I LOVE the quirky gal at an event. You’d be surprised how many people feel the same as you. I can’t stand the over confident, gobby ones that dominate the room, usually have no depth. Everyone brings their own fun to the party and you’ll be just right for your clan. Mingle and be quirky and your people will find you ☺️

I feel the same. I used to get drunk quite easily but was fun with it. Now in my 40s I can’t handle alcohol at all and I feel awkward all of the time. Also shy and introverted.

You're not alone, as a matter of fact, it is extremely common. It also might not be related to having ADHD. It is the way just about every introverted person feel.

I'm in my late 50, Great with people, yet feel exactly as you do every time I'm invited to a social event. My young adult child also experience the same.

One thing to say is that people usually don't see it half as bad as we do. They probably notice we are not the most gregarious but not thinking we are weirdos either.

Relax, don't worry, it's how you are and that's absolutely fine. We don't all have to be extroverted, fun and sociable individuals to be liked and respected.

You clearly didn't read...she specifically said she didn't because it messes with her head.

I found it almost impossible to socialise at large work events without alcohol after giving it up. I developed social anxiety. It was awful. I just avoided them for a long time.

I’m ND and understand how you feel. However, I am reminded of that saying that says something like “you wouldn’t worry half so much about what people think of you if you realised how seldom they do.”

Your friends will have their own concerns and issues. They won’t be thinking about a slightly offbeat question you asked. They will be thinking about whether everyone noticed they have gained ten pounds/were hungover/talked too much about their DH.

PP are right, keep going and improve confidence in the knowledge that you are doing OK. That is enough.

Edited to add, I used to drink alcohol to get through these situations but that’s a sure fire way to get everyone talking about you! I am so much happier sober.

I have lost a lot of the social skills I had. I really notice it at work. I have been immersed in small children for what feels like forever and struggle to talk about anything else. So I sympathise.

Firstly, well done for stopping using alcohol to get through social events. That is incredibly brave but will definitely pay off long term.
Secondly, you really are not alone in this. Even those of us who are NT often feel awkward in these situations and have to put a bit of a “face on”
And thirdly, nobody went home and spent time thinking about you. They’re much more concerned about themselves.

So youve discovered a weak area that causes you upset. Are you going to fix it? There’s so much information and training in the art of conversation. These are things you can learn and practice.

It's completely normal to overthink social interactions when you have ADHD.

If you were only diagnosed in adulthood and don't socialise much it's likely to be more intense, and if it's fairly recent you've probably become somewhat hyper aware as well - I know I have since my diagnosis 18 months ago. I'd much rather see friends at home or during the day in quieter spaces than go out of evening for instance, and even my closest friends have struggled to get their heads around it.

Have you received any support/therapy around coming to terms with your diagnosis and what it means for you personally? It could be something to look into - won't necessarily stop the overthinking but will give you tools to understand how your brain works and put these things into context.

She didn’t drink and drive.

I totally hear you op!

What worked for me was getting older. (I've got about 20 years on you) Now I really only socialise with small groups (often just one person) of trusted friends that I feel relaxed with. It totally gets rid of that feeling of needing to be (entertaining/funny/interesting* delete as appropriate).

Just try to keep in mind that nobody is focused on what you do or say in the way that you are. Think about it: how much time do you spend replaying what other people have said in your mind? If you are anything like me, it will only be if they have said something that makes you wonder if it was meant as a dig. It's not just daft things said on a night out.

I promise you, the only person feeling any kind of way about what you said, is you. Everyone else is dealing with their own crap - and we all have some!

Conversations seem to have changed these days. People have lost the art of it, screen use I expect. People just want to look down at glowing screens and talk to someone on the other side of the world rather than speak to who is next to them. I wouldn’t beat yourself up, a lot of situations make me feel awkward these days, what used to flow is now an effort. And people can be dull and mundane and self absorbed. You have just not found your tribe where interactions move freely. I haven’t either, and I doubt I ever will. Failure at social settings doesn’t mean you are a failure at life, so go easy on yourself.

Questing why/what you said and worrying if you talked too long is a usual part of ADHD. It could be that you are out of practice and it's a new era, if you aren't drinking. I wouldn't let it put you off and accept any invitations.

She didn’t drink and drive. Even before op edited, in context you could see it was a typo.

Anyway, you are describing the post socialization hangover. I used to get it every time I went to Bookclub. It’s horrible. It’s your brain lying to you. Your friends at work would have seen an interested and fun person and yet your have judged yourself so harshly.

What helped me was carrying on going to Bookclub (as in don’t avoid these situations). And post Bookclub telling myself out loud - ‘no one is thinking about what you said’, ‘you are allowed your own opinions’, ‘they have all moved on’.

I also do deep breathing, make sure I have some stories from the news to tell before going out eg have you heard about and a few learnt questions such as ‘what are you most looking forward to’ and so it’s about being prepared and being straight to the point but also kind to yourself after.

Oh and debriefing some things with ChatGTP has also helped me put things down if I do go over them.

I feel just like you, Op. Also in my thirties and find socialising much more challenging now than in my teens/early twenties, like the expectations of me have changed. I also find a lot of the conversation really dull (unless with certain close friends) and find it exhausting thinking of a relevant response to something I’m not remotely interested in.

Try not to worry about what others think, distract yourself with something else.