Am I being unreasonable about childcare for a friend?

I am a recovered people pleaser who was brought up by a chronic people-pleaser. I know exactly what it’s like. The key thing is to stop deluding yourself that you’re ’too nice’. It’s a bad habit, not a virtue.

And I dealt with CSA when I was still in primary school, so sod off either way your projected unpleasantness.

Start asking her to watch your kid she will soon stop asking

I think you are being too harsh. For someone who isn’t people pleaser, you simply cannot understand how someone else can be. “just say no” - it really, really isn’t that easy. I suspect, like me, it stems from how you were raised and expectations at home from parents.

If you think that someone who has it ingrained that they should always help people if they can will suddenly start say no because someone on the internet called them a wet lettuce and told them it’s their own fault, you are mistaken. It’s really fucking hard. It’s taken me years to recognise it in myself, and start trying to say no more - if you have friends who would take advantage of your nature, they push back hard and make YOU feel like the bad friend.

You might struggle to have sympathy for someone you see as not helping themselves, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. I bet you’re one of those people that don’t understand why abuse victims stay in their relationships either and so blame them more than their abuser.

Maybe. I think this depends on whether the friend asking genuinely thinks the OP could and would say no if she didn’t want to, and wouldn’t take offence it try to guilt her into it. Like, if she read this and realised the post was about her she would feel mortified she put her friend in that position.

I suspect the opposite is true. The “friend” knows OP is a people pleaser that struggles to say no. Therefore she asks knowing damn well the OP likely doesn’t want to do this all the time, but also knows she can’t say no so is asking anyway.

Realistically it has to be the latter - because if she doesn’t know OP well enough to know this about her, she’s not a good enough friend to be asking for regular childcare anyway.

I don’t mean it unpleasantly, OP, genuinely. I just think you need to really think about why you are repeatedly behaving as if someone else’s needs are more important than yours. Because it’s not ‘being too nice’. You’re making a choice you know in advance doesn’t suit you over and over.

What would you say to your child if they were giving their lunch to their ‘friend’ everyday and going hungry because they were afraid they wouldn’t be their friend any more if they said no, they wanted to eat their own sandwich?

Just say no it doesn't work for me. She's taking advantage of you and you're letting her.

No stop that right now. Don’t even make up an excuse.”Sorry no I can’t do that “ is a whole sentence. I know it took me years of practice to be able to say no…to not waffle uncomfortably about some made up story….i feel you, if it’s not your natural personality…..but as a recovering people pleaser , you absolutely have to stop this right now. She will just have to find an alternative. Whether that’s another “friend “, granny, or proper regular childcare…that’s on her, not you.
stop being taking advantage of 🫶 it will only get worse

Asking Monday for Wednesday is last minute.

She now sees you as her regular (free) healthcare solution, and knows that you’ll agree. However, although this sounds harsh, you haven’t helped the situation by doing it.

You need to stop saying ‘yes’ even to her ‘it’s an emergency request/tears/emotional manipulation.’ I get you wanted to help, but help has crept into ‘taking advantage’ territory, ands her childcare is not your problem to sort.

Stop being available and start mentioning what a busy summer you’ve got planned before she starts dropping hints about the summer.

Being kind isn't a weakness helping others isn't a weakness but set yourself some boundaries, you will feel better for it, you are not responsible for this womens well being.

You have to tell her now, even if you text her saying you can't have him.over the summer you are too busy, it doesn't matter if you are not your time is your own.

You need to say no, I don't want this as a regular arrangement.

You have rightly identified that is being assumed now. In my experience you start off doing a favour and it's appreciated but if it becomes regular/assumed and then you try and say no, the other person then gets the huff because they have started to see you as their "server".

I had this with cheeky school mum who didn't drive (have posted about her before). Whenever there was a school trip or party she would pester me to give her kid a lift. It was a pain as I had to go out of the way, her daughter was quite rude and not the best behaved and her husband did drive but didn't like "running the kids around at the weekend when I want to relax". She never offered any kind of favour in return and i dont think i ever got a thank you. I started saying no if I didn't feel like it and the cheeky fucker got pissed off and asked if I could arrange for one of the other school parents to do it instead. Err, NO!

You are being taken advantage of, just say no.

Are you saying you already do childcare for her after school? and now she's asking for weekends and school holidays?

You need to say, No. if it affects the friendship she wasn't ever your friend so no loss there. She was only ever a big user taking advantage.

CFs rake advance of people who let them.

“Sorry, Clare. That doesn’t work for us. I can’t have little Timmy.”

”But you’re only at home with little Terry/it’s the school run you’re doing anyway?”

“I know but it still doesn’t work for us.”

Don’t explain other than you can’t do it and then watch to see who she leeches off next time.

The cost of childcare is not the OP’s problem! And I assume that if she wanted to be a childminder, she would set up as one?

Ball is in your court to say no. I can't blame her though when childcare is basically an extortion racket when it comes to prices nowadays.

If I may offer a suggestion: hammer out a formal agreement. Even if she paid you £25 a day and brought her childs food it's still cheaper than your average childcare. If she says no than you can decide whether you want to keep doing this or not.

Bluntly, stop being such a wet lettuce! Do you think that having weakly agreed to do something you don’t want to do and which costs you money and effort multiple times makes you admirable rather than a bit of a sap? If you do, I’d get shot of that thought pattern sharpish. It’s fundamentally untrue. You’re not being ‘a good friend’, you’re choosing to behave as if your own time and money are less important than someone else’s, because you can’t deal with the discomfort of saying ‘no’.

Stop focusing on her being a ‘CF’. A CF can only engage in cheeky fuckery if there is a wet lettuce to facilitate them. At the moment you are choosing to be that self-appointed wet lettuce. Because it is a choice. No one has you at gunpoint. Make different, better choices next week.

I cant do this anymore going forward.One more child added to the mix is a lot (tinkly mn laugh)

The friendship is already damaged because she's taking the piss.
If the friendship is dependent on you not saying no, then you don't have a friendship worth protecting.

Come on. You need to tell her you're not able to do this for so long & so regularly. There is no reason for you to feel guilty and she shouldn't make you feel like that. It's an unreasonable expectation

I think you would be perfectly reasonable to either say you're unavailable, or you will do it but on a regular schedule that suits you (not necessarily full time) but she will need to at least cover the costs of her child's food and activities. Or give her the number of your childminder.........

Is this a friend you've made through your children going to school together? I found that some mums encourage friendship so they can ask for a bit of childcare..I realised this when I didn't hear from them when the kids got older.