Am I being unreasonable about childcare for a friend?

This is a classic example of the FED principle - Favour becomes Expectation becomes Demand.

OP, your friend is definitely in the Expectation phase and will soon be in the demand phase regarding you minding her son. You must stop doi g it now. It is not fair on your own children.

She asked me on Monday if I could have him on Wednesday, so it’s not always last minute

This stuck out to me - 2 days in advance is pretty last minute in my book for organising childcare so you can work.

For a casual 2 hour playdate, sure, that's normal notice but if we are both working our childcare is usually in place a month in advance at least and often I take advantage of early booking offers and get it in much earlier

Have you ever said no and what does she do if you do?

Either say no you have plans, or ask her to have your kid and see what the response is like

I was friends with a neighbour. I fell into this pattern of her DD being here all the time. She kept trying to make me feel bad as she had 2 children and I only had 1.
She then tried to suggest I take both children for whole weekends so she could go away.
I then had an emergency and asked her to take DD for a few hours and she refused as she fancied ‘ a lazy day’. She still tried to keep sending DD round, when I pushed back (I couldn’t as I had major things going on) she dumped me as a friend.

Sorry op but she’s taking advantage of you and not offering to give you money for feeding him and treats is worse a good friend would not do this to you. Next time she’s ask just say hey x sorry but it’s restricting what I do with my own dc and my family time. I didn’t mind as a one off but it’s becoming too regular. Op what did she do before you started helping her is she a single mum? Can she afford to give you money to feed her dc? I know this isn’t really relevant but trying to see her life. But either way she being a cheeky bitch. What does your dh think? It really is about you putting your boundaries in place now. Otherwise it will become the norm and you don’t want it. The friendship is 1 way at the minute also why do people have kids to the dump on other mums who pay out childcare do they really think this is acceptable?

I agree with others that you need to sort this out before the holidays but appreciate it can be hard without giving a reason. Personally I would say you have a lot on, you can do occasional play dates (don’t call it childcare) but here is the number of the childminder you use because you can’t commit to taking Johnny regularly anymore. If she says she can’t afford it just say you know it’s a lot because you have to pay it too!

I think in these situations you will feel bad either way, because you’d feel bad for saying no but you also feel bad saying yes and going along with something you don’t want. So you might as well feel bad for saying no and get the outcome you want

This.

I’d tackle summer head on now. Next time you are chatting and she asks what you have been doing say something like oh I’ve been putting in place all the summer holiday plans The childcare is all sorted for my work days we have plans every other day. I’m really looking forward to it.

Then if she asks you can say don’t you remember I told you in April that I had plans for every day. So that won’t be possible.

Seriously? You don’t think the friend should, y’know, have some decency and just not be a CF in the first place?

And how would you handle this without damaging the friendship?

This always interests me because you are talking about someone who has not considered it might damage the friendship to ask or expect big favours.

If they have the confidence to ask, they have the confidence to survive someone saying 'no' . If they have the cheek to ask, they have no right to have the cheek to be offended.

Anyway I would just say 'not for longer than an hour for a playdate - I am not a skilled enough childminder to have two all day, it wears me out!'

She needs proper childcare in place. It's hardly a friendship challenging issue to not be that childcare for free. And if it is she is not a friend she is an exploitative CF.

I mean YANBU. But yabu to not just say No! Where have your big girl pants been put away?!

I would not do this. If you receive financial payments to look after someone's child and are not a registered childminder you could get in all sorts of trouble if you are reported.

There seems to be a very rich seam of childcare CFery on MN. Its unbelievable that some women are asked to do for free what many get paid for. I got roped in years ago when my own dc was a baby and I was pregnant again. Mother did 4pm -8pm shifts as a packer. The very first time she didnt turn up to collect the child till nearly 10pm (she was having a brew and "didnt realise" how late it was.) I just said no sorry its getting too much now with the new baby on the way. I dont know how she managed and I didnt care tbh

Then why are you being so cruel to the OP? If you KNOW how hard it is etc, there’s no need for you to be nasty to her.

I’m sorry you experienced that in childhood. Wasn’t the point I was raising, but might explain a few things.

Well said @DonalOg! No-one can sort this except you OP. Use your words and say no.

I don't think you're being taken advantage of. You're willing and repeatedly doing this because it fulfils a need for you.

OP, if it helps with the feeling guilty, here are the reasons I'd say it's reasonable to ask a friend to provide childcare

1. It's part of a "formal" arrangement - either paid or reciprocal
2. It's a genuine emergency (e.g. need to take one child to hospital; will you watch the other?)
3. Genuine one-off (e.g. childminder is ill that day)
4. occasional (e.g once a month so they can go out in the evening; ideally with the favour being returned)

If you were saying "no" to any of these, you would still be totally justified in doing so, but they are more reasonable favours to ask.

Two 6 hour days in the space of the week, with the expectation that you will do more days, is CF territory. Saying "no" (and do not justify) to a CF is not something you need to feel guilty for.

Absolutely don’t do this unless you want to be working as an illegal childminder. I think you are already crossing that line anyway with what you described. I remember a case of two policewomen who had reciprocal arrangements to look after each others children as they worked opposite shifts. They were prosecuted as it was more than a casual one off situation and so they should have registered as childminders to legally be able to do this. I think only relatives can give regular, free childcare without registering.

You now need to say, “No, I can’t have him. It doesn’t work for me.” If the CF keeps pushing say, “Look, I’ve been doing you a big favour here by giving hours of free childcare. It has actually been at an expense to myself. You can ask occasionally and I’ll tell you if I’m happy to do it, but just know that I won’t be saying yes every time you ask.” And if the CF still keeps pushing say, “You’re going to need to ask someone else now, I’m afraid. I don’t want us to fall out but you’re now acting like it’s an expectation rather than recognising that I’ve been voluntarily helping you out.”

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit taken advantage of? Yes because you are massively being taken advantage of.

Looking after her child in a one-off emergency is fine but she's treating you as an unpaid childminder.
(I voted YANBU)

Say no now

I had something similar years ago when a mum colleague at work asked if id have her little one as a one off

Being a people pleaser I did it (she sent no food/nappies/toys and was very late picking him up as 'I got talking')

It ended with me having him 3 times a week,unpaid and costing me a fortune (and her other 3 kids overnight/holidays)

It ended badly and im still the bad guy in the eyes of her and work (she wanted to bag herself a huge promotion and was sucking up to the bosses but could only do this as I was the unpaid skivvy as her husband couldnt have been more hands off with his own kids)

She soon latched onto someone else to have him and then ended up leaving anyway

(And after all this,I was called a liar when I posted on here at the time!)

This happened to a friend of mine, she would just say yes to anyone and ended up being a default childminder for some children. In fact two childminders actually approached her, told her there were spaces with childminders and she was being a mug. They charge to look after children on a regular basis and you are being used. It really made her think about it.

They were not friends with her own children. I have covered inset days for my son's best friend because there was always reciprocal playdates and I was a sahm so always available. I always offered, I was never asked.

Text saying
Hi Jane. I just wanted to chat about the kiddos' playdates! They have enjoyed playing together but I really value the one on one time with my son. Just this week I’ve had (your son) * Fred twice in total for over 12 hours and I’ve been entertaining, watching them and feeding them etc I’m finding it a struggle to manage the extra hosting and meals alongside my own routine and time with mine and my own needs. I want to treat mine (treats out and plans etc) and when yours is here I ensure he is not left out a double up on expenses to include him but parenting is hard work and even harder with two! I also feel it is important that I carve out time and bonding for me and my own child. I’m happy to do the occasional play date, pre arranged in advance, but I can't take him on an expected basis anymore. I do hope you understand. John and I use a proper childminder in the summer - would you like her details? I do hope you don’t mind me saying something but it’s all just been a bit too much and I felt I needed to say something before it affected our friendship. Love Jen x

If she is a proper friend she will apologise and back off!!

I do feel your pain I was a teacher and had my own two children and I was a single parent and I became a drop in centre for all my ‘friends’ during every half term / summer etc and some times just a text the day before Hi Jen I have been called into work tomorrow can I drop Ben round in the morning. No appreciation or a just text thank you and no reciprocal need or agreement and suddenly I had 3,4,5 children to look after. I even had one friend who knocked on the door in the holidays at 6. 30 am to drop a child off with no pre arrangement! With a I thought it would be ok and when I attempted to say I just want a lie in and to have my own kids, the child started crying and I feel so guilt tripped I took him and she was late picking him up , all a bit shit.

You need to get better at saying no.

I have used the I’m sorry that doesn’t work for me line and others are-

I will get back to you if I can help but I am really busy so I don’t think I can, sorry.

I really can’t Emma has been down recently and asking me to spend more 1-2-1 time and I realised I have been neglecting this precious family time so we just doing family this week. Sorry

Actually we have plans and the kids want to make some memories this holiday just as a family

I can’t help I’m afraid

Sorry I can’t I have too much going on

Can Emma comes to yours for two days next week in return for having Katie twice this week I have loads of stuff I need to do and with them over and playing and needs supervising / entertaining I am behind with DIY/ marking/ work etc so can you have her next week please?

Sorry I’m on holiday this week and I’m sure you appreciate as a teacher and single parent just how exhausted term time is and I need some days of no children (except my own) to see etc

etc

Friends like mine — they dropped away as friends if they were cheeky fuckers but the real ones stopped using me and made it reciprocal.

You definitely need to nip this in the bud now before the Summer holidays are upon you.
She has no problem with inconveniencing you and putting you out, so you must simply stick up for yourself and do what is best for YOU not her.

She obviously is a user just by the nature of what she is doing. Then add in the fact that she gives no contribution towards outings, food etc and it just makes the situation even worse.

You don't like it and want to stop being used and you are the only person who can put a stop to it.

I would then say (if you’re unable to just say no sorry I can’t) that you have all lot on with work and arranging your own childcare etc so you can’t commit to an extra responsibility. Even if you were a SAHM my response would still be the same