Am I being unreasonable about childcare for a friend?

Agree that this reads as harsh BUT it's bang on!

'Sorry, we have plans' is enough.

If pushed, go for a 'That doesn't work for us' and if she really is cheeky enough to think of you as holiday cover then you are going to have to find the kahoonas to say 'Please don't rely on us for childcare over the summer. We can't commit to it either logistically or financially'.

If saying no causes problems in the friendship it wasn't a good friendship to start with.

You are taking away from what you can do with your own child if you're spending half your fun money on someone who isn't your child. Look at it that way.

Tell her she needs to sort childcare during her working areas as you will not be providing it for her. Your hours and reduced income are to benefit your family, not hers.

that is exactly it. Some how you've picked up on the vibe that saying no to her will result in consequences.. that you will be deemed unhelpful/not a good friend/ unreasonable and therefore not worthy of the friendship.

But if you removed the friendship threat from this equation.... and decide that if she does'nt want to be friends unless you do her bidding, that you don't care if it affects the friendship - then you will find its much easier to say no.

Another issue that makes it harder to say no is that sometimes people who want to take advantage get to know your timetable/calendar.. and so when you say "I can't do Tuesday." they come back with "but you are going to xyz and its on your way surely." and start demolishing any excuses. This is when you have to get tough and say simply. I don't want to do Tuesday. And when you do it, remember that if it feels very blunt to you, that the person has forced you into being blunt by not taking no for an answer in the first place.

So why are you such a walkover? And why feel guilty? I don't get it.

If she's the CF I think she is..... which I get from the fact that she is now "assuming" you will look after her child.... then I think you should steer clear of asking for reciprocal...

I had this.. the person offered a tiny bit of help... but it turned out it was only to ask for even bigger favours and then once that was established - their part in returning the favour dried up.

Of course its great when you have a mum friend who will help with occasional swaps, but this person is over stepping your boundaries and so it's someone I would steer clear getting into any favours between you. She doesn't bring food or offer payment because that would involve her acknowledging that you were doing her a service and she wants to continue to be viewed as no trouble at all.

There is a reason you feel guilty. She is making you feel guilty.. with her assumptions that its all no big deal, that her child and your child enjoy time together so in fact its something that ought to happen. There is always an implied threat in these situations, that if you don't do what they ask, you won't be a real friend and they will withdraw their friendship. But frankly.. that is a risk you have to take or continue to feel that you are being imposed upon.

Nip it in the bud.. try turning her down and see if she is still friendly or starts acting offended.. if she's still friendly and takes it in good part - she is a better friend than she currently appears. If she is a CF, you will soon find out.

It's time to take the risk. Speak up.

NO is a complete sentence

Wow, she’s extremely cheeky! Just say no because you have plans, she’ll likely ask if he can be factored in so just say no

Send her a breakdown of costs you’ve had to pay for her son - tell her £25 a day will cover it - and ask her to just transfer the how ever many days there were x £25 a day to your bank account and here’s the details. No sorry no please etc just a oh you just reminded me asking for childcare again
The other day that you owe me xyz - she won’t pay and will be highly offended but when you reply and tell her surely she didn’t expect you yo pay all HER child’s expenses?!?! And remind her that surely as she must pay a childminder usually when you’re not covering those days and know a childminder will be approx £75 a day that she’s saved a lot already? And then say you’re thinking of registering as a childminder on the side 😆 you won’t hear from her again!

She asked me on Monday if I could have him on Wednesday, so it’s not always last minute, but I don’t feel like I can easily say no without feeling guilty.

You don't need to say no, you need to set limits.

'Yes, I can have him this Wednesday but going forward I would like to reduce the number of times I am responsible for him. I'm happy to help out now and again but I mean more like once every couple of months or so not every week.'

@Finchgold , there's a big difference between having a friend over to play and providing free regular childcare.

Please don't continue to priortise another family's happiness over that of your own family. Stand up for yourself as of yesterday.

Honestly if the children are friends I don’t see the problem. When your kid has a friend round you don’t need to be spending money on soft play and McDonald’s just let them play at home or go to the park. Obviously if it doesn’t suit say no but even better if you can get a few reciprocal play dates for you to get a break.

My son has friends over loads. I just make sure I have a good supply of easy food, a couple cheese toasties and some ice lollies is all they need!

I remember once that a school friend of my son said that his Mum and her new boyfriend were going on holiday to Turkey, and could he stay with us for 2 weeks! I said no.
I saw the mum a few days later she asked when she could drop him round before he holiday!
I said "he's not staying with us".
That was that.

I can remember a school mam friend asking if I could have her child during holidays 3 days straight, I’m normally a people pleaser, but I just laughed and said no!
I had taken the time off work and wasn’t getting up at 7 o’clock to meet her at bus stop at 7.30!!! My friend actually travelled to the bus stop to pick her up.
The mam just said thanks after 3 days, no flowers, wine or even a packed lunch for her child. But she did give my friend a list of her daughter’s food.
I told her she had asked me already, I had been brave and just said no!
And no she never looked after my friends child not even a play date! Bloody cheek, but if you don’t ask you don’t get!

Exactly, plus too much apologising.
The OP has nothing to apologise for.

I think the key here is that you don't want to damage the friendship. This person is taking advantage of you. Why should you be hesitant to damage the friendship by asking for fair compensation or by asserting boundaries, when she doesn't care about damaging the friendship by taking advantage of you?

The fear of damaging the friendship is leading you to feel hesitant about standing up for yourself. Ask yourself why you are afraid to "damage" a "friendship" with someone who is using you.

Too waffly and over explain-y.

A CF can only engage in cheeky fuckery if there is a wet lettuce to facilitate them

This should be on a tea towel or something @DonalOg 😂

You can have sympathy from someone who struggles - but that doesn't mean you should just keep enabling them and sympathising and soothing and saying 'ooh yes, nasty friend'.

A new perspective, especially from people who find polite, assertive ways to keep boundaries they are happy with, is the start of re-assuring people that it is OK to say no. And that yes, people pleasing, whether it is a result if a difficult upbringing or not, does actually involve being a wet lettuce to some extent, that is precisely the problem. And is very different from being 'nice' or 'kind'.

In past re-incarnations on MN I have spent years alongside individual posters who are freeing themselves from abusive relationships - I understand exactly how one of the key functions of emotional abuse is to destroy the very qualities the victim needs in order to rescue themselves.

The OP is not being emotional abused, she is being taken for granted / her inability to say No is allowing her to be exploited.

The OP is being given plenty of advice that she is not in the wrong and constructive ways to put a stop to this.

It's true. Read it through again.
Practise in front of the mirror "I can't take Alfie tomorrow". Don't add anything.
Don't say you've got a busy summer, because it doesn't matter if you have or you haven't.
Don't start sentences with "I'm afraid" or "I'm sorry" and on no account say that you've "loved having him".
Just say no, you don't need a reason.

This. All she'll hear is how you love helping her.

It should be recipricated .If you dont need child care She should take your child for a treat an odd time i think .

Six hours at a time?! I have only ever done this as part of a reciprocal agreement in holidays or on inset days, to help out friends. But that’s always, always reciprocated and we discuss the fairness of it quite bluntly eg “you covered last inset day; how about I do this one if you’re working?” . And if there’s an activity i always say “oh , that’s fine - I can have Timmy but I was thinking of taking the kids to softplay / to the nature park so if he wants to come, can you ping me £7.50 for the entrance fee / give him a few quid if you are ok for him to have an ice lolly?”

I would definitely say when she asks again, “I can do this week, but I have looked after Timmy so much recently and it’s costing me a fortune in food and trips as I can’t leave him at home when I take my own dc out. Can you let me have £30 to cover the cost of his food for the days I’ve had him over the holidays? You must be saving a fortune in childcare, so I hope that’s ok. Also - I’m not going to be free for the next three weeks as I have plans with dc, I wanted to let you know so you can plan ahead.”

If you think this is genuinely a friend who is just pushing the boundaries and probably doesn’t totally realise how cheeky she’s being … then you’ll find out when you start asking her to cover costs of meals and trips.

If you don't nip it in the bud, you're going to be lumbered OP.

Tell her you dont mind the odd hour but you won't be doing full days anymore and she's to sort something else out. Don't even mention money as it's a workaround.

If she falls out with you over it then it's wins all round.

”Have you ever said no and what does she do if you do?”

Interesting question. I’m guessing she turns ‘ever so grateful’ and ‘is desperate’ and ‘she’ll definitely organise something for next time’ , … then asks again.

As @Clogblog says, emergencies and last minute requests are when your childminder or mother falls ill. They’re not on a regular basis. Also, does she have any plans for childcare, and if it costs her money (so it’s not worth working etc), that’s not your problem. That’s part and parcel of being a working mum.