Am I being unreasonable about childcare for a friend?

Never ceases to amaze me how some women will try and palm off child related responsibilities on literally any other woman they can find, rather than ask their lazy, good for nothing, man-child husbands to step up and do a bit. Unbelievable.

It is okay to say to someone that you don't want to do something. The kind of person who is oblivious to hints and who asks for big favours frequently, is not worrying about your feelings, so don't be fretting over hurting theirs. Their skin is so thick, they won't feel it. The kind of people who ask for regular childcare and offer no reciprocity or reimbursement of costs, are basically grifters casting a wide net to see what they can get!

I've had to tell people that I want time to speak with my own child so can't walk theirs to school everyday. Or that I don't want to take on the responsibility for children other than my own. Once you do it a few times, it becomes easier!

"Another issue that makes it harder to say no is that sometimes people who want to take advantage get to know your timetable/calendar.. and so when you say "I can't do Tuesday." they come back with "but you are going to xyz and its on your way surely." and start demolishing any excuses. This is when you have to get tough and say simply. I don't want to do Tuesday. And when you do it, remember that if it feels very blunt to you, that the person has forced you into being blunt by not taking no for an answer in the first place."

This is so true. Some people will talk to you in a friendly way, and make you think they are interested in you as a person, or that they are trying to make friends with you. But they are really just digging for information that they can use to manipulate you later.

Others will simply start steamrolling over you no matter how little information you gave them. "Oh you can't do Tuesday? Why not? Are you going somewhere? If you're only dropping off [your child] at swim practice, you can just take mine for ice cream while you wait for your child to be done. Oh you won't? Why not? You're such a lazy mother. I used to take my child and five other children for ice cream all the time. Surely you can do it with one child once a week. But why not?" They'll basically just bombard you with so many questions and arguments that you can't even keep up. The idea is for you to be so overwhelmed by their questions that you tie your (metaphorical) legs in a knot and trip yourSELF up, so that you basically say "yes" in a panicked attempt to stop the verbal artillery.

You need to stop being so accommodating. Say that you can’t do Wednesday or the next time she asks after that & hopefully she’ll stop relying on you . You’ve no need to feel guilty .

Useful to work on boundaries: https://boundaryquiz.com/
bu psychotherapist Terri Cole

It would be lovely if she realised she was being cheeky and taking advantage of you, but she either already knows, or she is selfish enough not to. Either way, she’s not going to stop of her own accord and so you need to be the person to stop her. And her childcare shouldn’t be costing you money, but she’s als not going to offer to reimburse anything and you feel too silly to ask, so she’s going to keep on as it’s benefitting her.

Aggh I voted incorrectly - sorry! You are NOT being unreasonable.

"No" is a complete sentence.

You don't have to give a reason.

But you could say you're busy. It's not convenient. Or you can't.

If you want reciprocity and value the friendship, say "yes but can you have X on Y for Z hours?"

But it sounds like she's using you and taking you for granted!

Are you really out of your mind entertaining this cheeky fxxker?

Unbelievable.

Being kind isn't a weakness, but weakness is often disguised by being called being kind.

Not rtwt but honestly I wouldn't be wasting time negotiating times you are 'willing' to do/payment etc. It just muddies the waters. The truth is you don't want to do it and that's good enough. The rest of it is not your problem to solve!

I was a sahm and then a childminder before returning to work full time (not working from home). School mum 'friends' can be brutal - they will cultivate relationships solely for the benefit of themselves/their kids. Many will think nothing of asking a sahm to pick up their childcare slack. Or asking a childminder to walk their kids to school since they are going there anyway!
A wise woman on here once said to me not to allow other people to derive economic benefit from my unpaid labour and that's what this is! She's using your resources (time, money) and you need to stop being so nice and put a stop to it. CF rely on people's niceness.

You do not say how old her son is and whether it is company for your son or if it is hard work. I think you have to say to her if you have spent money and she needs to recompense her but ultimately if you do not want to look after him (which is totally your right) just say you do not want to do it regularly and you are not a child minder. She can pay a child minder just like everyone else has to.

"Hi friend, sorry but I'm not able to do Wednesday. I'm glad the kids get on so well but this week has ended up being a bit much for me. I don't mind helping occasionally for a few hours but I'm not able to do full days x"

That's exactly my thoughts @NoSoapJustUseShowerGel if she drops the "I'd love to help" she'll soon get the picture that her request is way outside the OP's comfort zone.

THIS.

OP needs to nip this in the bud before it becomes an expectation and “but I’ve relied on you for so long, what am I supposed to do now?”

It’s also rude that she’s not at least reimbursing OP for costs. I’d be tempted to add “and quite frankly, I can’t afford to keep spending money to feed and entertain your child” - how clueless is she?

I don’t quite understand this - does she do some kind of intermittent work that doesn’t require her to have regular childcare in place? Normally if you work you have childcare and it would be very rare for eg the nursery to shut.

Definitely find out why and then decide a way forward. If it’s that she has just discovered her mum who
usualky helps has terminal cancer you may want to approach it differently. Maybe ask her to babysit instead so you and hubs can have date night.

Otherwise, perhaps next couple of times she asks you just say you can’t do that day (you are going to your parents or visiting an old aunt etc) to break the cycle. Then if she asks again you could say you’ll do it this once but you can’t provide regular childcare.

Well yeh you can blame someone who takes the piss out of someone's good nature

A couple of hours is completely different to a 6 hour day.
Most of us have done that kind of play date. This is effectively a whole day.

My son and his friend go to each others houses in the holidays sometimes - but it’s always 1:1. My son was there for a full day and she took them swimming, then two days later I took them to a science centre for the day. Helps us both and the boys love it. We don’t have a scorecard, but it works itself out pretty evenly.

I actually host play dates more than many people but on my initiative and because my son asks. We have a good house for play dates with a garden and plenty of space and lots of their friends are in flats with shared bedrooms etc. But I invite them, no expectation for a return. And for a couple hours, not entire days! So things don’t have to be even but they do have to be balanced.

All this to say just say no if you don’t enjoy it. Or say ‘sure; we are going to soft play and McDonald’s so just send me £20 and I can bring James along too’ or whatever if it’s more a money thing than the rest of it.

Yeah, don't do that

Sending a letter is such a weird suggestion 😄

Do not send a letter

O. M. G.
I can't believe this post..
She will be asking to borrow your husband next AND YES I ve been in this situation with A MANIPULATOR AND YES she did go after him........
First : HUMANS are very sociable animals, kindly animals ; and users love this fact. Thing is we all ' use ' each other to a certain extent BUT there's USING each other and FEELING USED!!! You are in the latter category. I'm afraid that you are now feeling Used and are P Off..... You must accept that you dont like, .......... anymore. Swallow your pain and deal with the problem. If I was you I should write her a letter and send it first class. Apologise that you cannot do it any more because you find other people's kids really annoying little brats and it's ruining your life. This will probably end your friendship because I've been in this situation where someone has taken me for a MUG.!!!!!I HOPE you take my advice SOON !!!

Yanbu. Unless you are proactively offering, it's an absolute emergency or she is offering reciprocal childcare that helps you she is unreasonable to expect this. She needs to make a proper childcare arrangement with a childcare provider.

When DS was primary age me and another parent did help each other out with childcare but this was very much reciprocal, our kids enjoyed it and it suited us both. We each did one school pick up a week in term time and each had the kids one day a week in school holidays. Neither of us took the mick like your friend is doing.

Has anyone asked what is the father of the child doing in all this, working I guess

this. She is not your friend, you are her free childminder.