15 year old son stole my car and took it for a joy ride while were away

Having worked in insurance for years, this does happen. Often it does not end as well as this.
In your shoes I would absolutely get someone round to put the fear of God into him.

Seriously ! 100s of cases of under 16s taking cars without consent, youngest was 10

Why does he not recognise how serious this is?

This is ridiculous! Why is that relevant?

And ‘everyone is allowed one mistake’ - what if he had killed someone? Which he could easily have done esp as he’s so impulsive and clearly not a good driver? Would that have been his one mistake?

And getting a friend to put the frighteners on him - he’s ADHD. not stupid.

Would you have that attitude if they had run over and crashed into one of your loved ones?

Had he apologised to his Nan? Does he realise how upset she is?

@ItsStillWork

your son planned this, it wasn’t a spur of the moment thing, he saw an opportunity was coming up and he planned this in advance. That’s not impulsive adhd, that’s knowing something is wrong, planning it anyway knowing his asd and adhd will be taken into account and he will get off lightly.

no, no, no.

you have a 9 year old with adhd so please don’t think that this couldn’t have been entirely impulsive.

I’m soooo bored. Oh! Mum and dad aren’t here! I can drive their car!

Also, please expect your son to completely blindside you when he’s a teen, despite how many courses you’ve been on.

This is a seriously bad idea
do not put your friends in this position

I'd be reporting it before the speeding tickets etc start coming in. He's driven without consent, no licence, no insurance. He's lucky he didn't injure himself or someone else. You need to be the responsible parent here.

I would report formally to the police. Hopefully that will be enough of a shock to control his impulsivity around this. Now you know he has done it once I would probably keep the keys in a lock box. But no one I know or have ever known routinely “store the keys securely”!!

I also think it is interesting that you are considering you have failed, what does your husband say about the matter.

Clearly neither of you anticipated he might do this and I would not of thought of it with my kids either.

OP you really need to inform the police. This is super serious. Imagine he had mowed someone down?! Better put the fear of god in him now. Do not sweeep this under the carpet.

I would get the police to talk to him. He needs to understand consequences. Also if course you are entitled to go on holiday without your kids! In fact it's good for them, and you. It's not like you left them unsupervised! Sometimes I am incredulous at 'rules' people put in place for themselves on Mumsnet. You did nothing wrong op!

She could wait and see if any fines come through and then give the holiday as evidence they were away then, she can just ‘discover’ the footage at that point if she needs to

Do you think he will listen calmly and then never do it again?

I learned to drive a manual when I was 10, these days 10 year olds can take part in supercar driving experiences.

Whilst I’m sure that’s true about the brain development, why do people see that as an excuse for so many things (particularly in men)?

I did this a few times as a teenager. Nobody ever found out. I lived out in the country (on a farm so had been driving a while) but needed to get to a shop when I was home alone so just took the car. I turned out fine.

first point, I’d talk with your son. Calmly. Explain the severity of what he did and how you will always find out.

God the excuses on here are depressing.

The same ‘child’ who could have killed someone by his actions?

What crime would your child have to commit for you to report them?

My brother did this at a similar age- amongst other dreadful shitty behaviour- stealing from mums purse, weed, neglecting himself, school avoidance etc.

He could not accept any wrongdoing doing at that time.

Fast forward to his mid twenties and he was in therapy twice a week for a good year accepting his previous behaviours and has more recently diagnosed with ADHD.

He has grown up and holds down a stable job, raising kids etc but he was turbulent until 19/20.

Keep an open mind that he really might not yet have the brain development to fully comprehend his situation and why it was such a dangerous move. The pre frontal cortex is fully mature around 24; delayed further if neurodivergent.

Stay well yourself, OP, it’s a big thing to have to work through.

My dad took me out once or twice a year from the age of 14 on an old airfield so that by the time I got to 17 I could set off, change gear etc. it wasn't a particularly unusual occurrence locally.

I understand your fear and horror OP but I think stopping the young driver thing and mechanic is wrong.

If he loves kt, and has a strong motivation for stimulation and risk taking, stopppjnh this form of driving will make him continue to seek it out secretly or take bigger risks. You need to reassure his brain he doesn't need to hide things and take risks to get stimulation

I did it but at 16 yrs, just once.
the main thing is to really try to make him agree he won’t do it again because of the risks that he could not fully identify.
I don’t think the police will help.
this is not your fault - my parents were fine.

Just to add - OP you sound like a brilliant parent and that you are doing everything you possibly can to deal with the challenges,

Whilst you have explained his issues, you aren’t making excuses for them, although most of the posters seem to be!

I’m ND myself but it isn’t a ‘get out of jail free’ card, especially with something like this where someone could have been killed,

Sending

This isn’t your fault OP.

You should be able to have a break with your husband now your children are older and you have supportive family to look after them.

And even though your son has special needs, he knows right from wrong.