15 year old son stole my car and took it for a joy ride while were away

Really. ? When I was a teenager a loadr of the boys had convictions due to TDA . That was in the mid 80s

Yeah, i remember loads as well as it was the start of my career working with young people. There seemed to be a period when we were getting less car crimes and moved over to drug related stuff and then cars became a thing again. These days the last car one I remember through work was about 14 months ago when one of the young people moved from my place of work to a permanent residential centre. We heard that he stole a staff car. The staff was a wake night watch and fell asleep ( he was soon fired) and the kid stole his keys. He crashed into a garden wall!

So inappropriate 🤔

Really. ? When I was a teenager a loadr of the boys had convictions due to TDA . That was in the mid 80s

What a terrible thing to happen to you l agreement people on this site think its funny...Would they be laughing if he killed someone, doubt it, there is a reason you can only start driving at 17, pass a test etc. If that was my child , then again, none of my 3 did do anything like that. Alot to do with how they are brought up.
So sad your horse died, the whole incident must have been so traumatic, unsurprising, you are still suffering. There's alot of people out there that think rules ate meant to be broken...Sending good wishes to you

I would set out what would have happened if he had injured someone with no insurance in place. The bills could reach stratospheric proportion.

You are right to get outside agencies involved. I hope it will impress on him how stupid he has been.

@Peoplearereallyweird if you report and your DS gets a criminal record, are you sure he won’t just think ‘f**kit! I’ve got a criminal record anyway’ when it comes to the next thing he shouldn’t be doing?

Having a criminal record will affect his future employability, which has proven to be one of the major factors of returning to crime.

If I were you OP, I would thank my lucky stars no one was hurt and find an alternative way of making sure this or any other illegal behaviour doesn’t happen again.

I gave commented a couple of times on this thread. However I've just been thinking about it and remembered something from 30 years ago.
When I was working in the youth service as it was called back then, some of our 'kids' stole a rcar at night. During their joy ride the driver lost control on a bend and the car crashed. The driver had minor injuries, the lads in the back had more serious injuries but the passenger died.

Everybody talked about how great the lad who died was. They were right, he was. We had no issues with him, school didn't have any major problems.and he had a great personality. He was as daft as a brush and would make you laugh and he was good with the other children and helpful to the staff.
He just made a one bad decision after being egged on by his mates and that cost him his life. He was 15.

Every now and then when I drive past the site I think of him, not all the time of course , but enough to remember some if the daft things he said, the residential trips we went on.
Such a shame.
Op,I cant remember did he go by himself with a friend?

I feel like such a failure as a Mum right now- I haven't raised him like this*
You are not a failure.
When we've had to talk about some sons criminal or bad behaviour, we've had mums wonder what our problem is. You are dealing with this and are upset by it. That makes you a good mum.

He has asd adhd. Processing can take time.

in her post you quoted she said the 'don't give a shit' attitude has gone.

She's speaking to the school & police liaison officer (she hopes) on Monday, there is no need to ring the police today.

I feel for you this must be horrendous, but the attitude of not giving a shit would actually be making me pick up the phone!

very long, please just scroll on by if not interested!

@Peoplearereallyweird

Big Hug & a box of tissues. Nothing wrong with crying, it's good for your system to let it out!

Try not to take the 'less helpful' posts to heart. There have been some nasty & some stupid ones that say much more about the posters than you!

There was nothing, NOTHING, wrong with going away for a few days & MIL looking after them (& of course, as you say, absolutely NOT her fault, but I can see why she feels so bad, I would too)

You are NOT a failure & you have not failed him.

I lived overseas when I was 15 & got my full drivers licence at 15. My Dad taught me to drive, I'd never done any of the young driver things (don't think they even existed) the first time he took me out (to a large empty carpark!) I could drive. Yes, it was a bit rough, but that just took practice!

Anecdotally my niece & nephew have just learned to drive a couple of years apart. My nephew is the younger of the two & had done young drivers things & driven off road vehicles growing up (niece could have, but wasn't interested). Nephew is a far better (& safer) driver of the two (despite niece being calm
& sensible). I wouldn't stop your boys having those experiences. That's not what made him drive your car.

Sometimes teens do stupid fucking stuff that they should know better than to do. But like the over sized toddlers they are (NT/ND/whatever) they act before they think.

It's bloody hard when they don't seem to understand or care how dangerous/illegal/fucking stupid something they have done is.

I have ND/Adhd/autism/brain damage through a car accident etc in our extended family & close friends & I have a lot of experience through my work.

I actually feel like if anything you are minimising the impact his ADHD etc has on DS & you are definitely not using it as an excuse.

I don't know what you 'should do' as it's more complicated with your relative working at the school (& DS not able to keep his mouth shut!!) & I'm sure you'll figure out the best options for you & DS.

I'm not sure what consequences will help either. It's very difficult when he was already going through a rough patch behaviour wise and it's different for each child /family.

But I just want to assure you that you're not a failure!

You WILL get through this & he will grow up.

One hour at a time lovely & start being kind to yourself! Xx

I don't know if someone else has asked this already or whether you have already ascertained this and answered this question - how did he break the exhaust? It would seem logical that he hit something with the bottom of the car - drove over a kerb maybe, hit a speed bump? but something - you don't break the exhaust by driving at 47km per hour without incident.

If you're telling an officer friend this buts them in a dubious position.

My brother used to do this a LOT and if it's any consolation stopped after some time away in the military 😅

If the police aren’t made aware of this that’s an offence in itself for not reporting such a serious incident. If it then occurred again and he said yeah done it loads of time or done it before questions would be being asked so for this reason alone, it needs reporting for his own good.

Schools are not the police.

He’s still young and he absolutely has chance to move on from this - but he needs to realise the consequences. He could have killed himself or other people and then his poor grandmother looking after them while the parents had a holiday would have got that knock on the door.

@Peoplearereallyweird please do the right thing for your son and for your family. If you address this now you might not be visiting him in hospital/prison or worse - attending his funeral. That’s the reality here.

I’m sure you can reassure her that you’ve learned lessons as well that you didn’t think were needed - but DS needs to apologise to her for doing something so stupid while she was in charge of him.

I can empathise so much and can fully imagine this could have been my son. He's 14 asd and adhd and at a semh school after being at a PRU and alternative offer setting, has done several of those under 16 driving courses and loved them and he wouldn't immediately see the seriousness of the situation.

My son would definitely down play the whole thing especially as there was no damage, no one hurt and in his eyes a successfully executed night time jaunt. It would take him a few days to process the potential dangers and the what ifs. He would go into defensive mode straight away though and act as if he didn't care. He is able to understand what is being said but would need lots of time to process the alternative viewpoints and why you are feeling angry.

I would use the school route and not police at this stage.

You, his dad or Nan had no way of knowing he would do something like this and have put lots of things in place to ensure it cannot happen again. I hope Nan will reconsider her childcare offer because parents need a break, especially from children who work at a different mental and physical pace to a neutotypical child. It is exhausting.

I think you should report it to the Police. He is old enough to know how serious this is and will need to deal with the consequences. If he gets away with it ge will emboldened to do it again.

OP, just popping in here to say that you shouldn't beat yourself up for going on a holiday and hope that this won't stop you from having them going forward. Once the lad turns eighteen, he's an adult and won't be shielded from life. So hopefully he'll learn this lesson and move on.

I’d be phoning the police too - this really needs dealing with from a legal point of view.

I know it’s hard and it’s your son but hopefully some tough love now will mean that he gets a chance to think about his choices and can move forward from this.

I do feel for you tho it’s a situation that no parent would want to be in. My colleagues brother broke into another family members house and they had to call the police too it was awful but people ultimately can’t think that this sort of behaviour is ok.

Well how relevant are his issues when he's done something that directly threatens the life of other road users?
You posted his issues as part of the overall incident, but if it were me that he'd run over I honestly wouldn't give a shit about his issues.
I think you've minimised this totally by talking about his needs and diagnoses. HE is not relevant, it is about what he has DONE. That is how the law and civic responsibility work. If anything had happened and it led to court, then how you describe him would be a matter for defence and mitigation only.
Therefore you have mitigated the gravity of his acts from the get go. As his parent sure this might be your natural inclination but if you do continue to back him up in this way, what is he supposed to learn about responsibility to others?
Parent him!

Unless you want him to have a criminal record and make his ability to get a job even harder - do not tell the school or the police. It’s not like a 10 year old who needs a talking to. The police can, and will, arrest a 15 year old.

Deal with it at home.