Dad going out on his parenting time

how is he ‘not the greatest of parents’ for going out and arranging good childcare?

Totally agree. How does going out with some family after a funeral when the child is being cared for by grandma, make him a shit man??

It is really none of your business if your sons nanna minds him on weekends he is with his dad. He isn’t exactly leaving him with a stranger. Back off

Some say harsh, others might say maybe he should be spending significantly more time with closer relatives who are still alive. Like his young son who he only sees 4 days out of 30 🤷‍♀️

Yes. You would be unreasonable.

Consider if you would want him getting into your business and dictating your time.

That’s harsh. He’s at his uncles funeral!

My ex was like this when my DS was little. He used to live with his mum and she did all the childcare. I have a great relationship with exs mum now because of this. Ex has stepped up now that DS is older and realised he’s actually fun. Things get better OP but I would leave this slide for now as it’s his weekend there’s not much you can do.

I mean if this is happening regularly and wasn’t just a one off after the funeral, it is pretty rubbish from him. However, as long as your son is safe and cared for I wouldn’t bother making a fuss, it just isn’t worth the fight. You can’t really stop him going out. It’s a case of pick your battles with this one, I think.

He's a shit dad (and shit man) but unfortunately he's your son's dad. So long as he's being cared for, I don't think you can dictate how your ex spends his time.

I think I’d give him the benefit of the doubt considering it’s his brothers (?) funeral and he may want to let off steam. Do you have any evidence it’s happening regularly?
Even if you did, annoying as it is, so long as the child is well cared for I don’t think you have the right to object. Certainly if it were a court dealing with this they wouldn’t be interested. They’d see it as a child being cared for his extended family, which really there is nothing wrong with.

Is he waste of space? Absolutely

Should you say anything? No! Grating as it may be, it’s none of your business how he parents on his time.

But you do though, sometimes, so I don't get why its different for him.

Surely this is an occasion of sorts? A chance to go out for some drinks with friends following the funeral.

Surely if your son is asleep and is fine with his Nan, and she doesn't mind, then its really nothing to do with you.

You can feel how you feel but its not up to you to dictate what he does with his son when its his time.

I am pretty sure you wouldn't be happy if he, in turn, came at you for having a night out and having a family member babysit.

He's a knob and a useless parent but you can't control what he does. I hope he pays decent maintenance.

Many many women have their mums doing a lot of childcare - which is seen as absolutely fine...

Yes he should spend his parenting time woth hia son since he seems him so rarely. However, if your aon if left with a responsible adult then there is not a lot you can do about it. Do you really think talking to him make hi realise that he should not go out (assuming this is regular occurrence)? I doubt t it, he knows. It will more likely damage your relationship.

It’s not fair but it’s outside your control and you cannot effect change there. You have to be at peace with that or you’ll always be angry and resentful and that’s ex’s present 🎁 for you

Providing your son is well cared for, I’d stay out of it.

He's a shit dad, but your son is being cared for. You can't make him want to spend time with his son, so trying to force him to won't do any good. In fact it will probably be worst for your son if your ex is forced to stay at home with him.

OP, if he does this every time he has his son, (given he only has him four nights per month) this is very poor fatherly behaviour. However, this is an unusual day and his friendship group are likely trying to support him, in the only way they know how. Unless you have concerns around his Mum’s behaviour or her provision of care for her grandson, I think you need to bite your lip.

Would you be willing to allow Ex to police your childcare arrangements for your son?

It’s unfortunate you heard that snippet of a conversation between his friends, as you don’t know the entire plan and are speculating.
It’s his time, so you need to let it play out.

This is exactly what I thought/did, though I did it the other way round and voted YANBU for the reason you mention.

I think you are coming at this from the perceptive of a committed parent. Your ex clearly isn’t one, or he’d still be with you or would at least see his boy more often.
However, as long as the child is safe and provided for, (and it doesn’t sound as if you are concerned by his mother’s capacity for care) , I don’t think you can control what he does during his parenting time. Especially if your son is asleep, it sounds petty to insist he be present if his mum is there anyway.

I guess this reminds you that it was a good decision to split up, as this man doesn’t sound very dutiful.

The funeral is irrelevant.
He only sees his kids for 4 days a month, he doesn’t even do the bare minimum and is trying to get out of that. What a sad excuse for a parent he is.

what do do?
nothing!
He’s an ex for a reason. It’s his time with his son and there’s nothing you can do about it. On the up-side your son is building a relationship with his grandmother.

If he continues like this then your son will realise what his father is like as he get’s older. For now, provided that your son is safe, please try to focus on yourself and take the time to relax, if you ex is only doing 4 days a month then you need it.

My ex was the same on his parenting time. Would collect dc then either drop him off at grandparents and go out or just sit in a chair reading the paper while grandparents did all the care and interaction. I can’t say it had a negative effect on dc as he adored his grandparents and they were great with him, but it may have played a part later on in ex never fully understanding dc’s needs (SEN) and dc always saying as he got older that he couldn’t really talk to his dad about anything. Now as an adult he has a far stronger relationship with his step father. So I think what I’m saying in too many words is that as long as your son is safe and cared for it’s the ex that will
lose out, not your son. Anyone can replace a biological parent if that parent can’t/wont step up.

His 4 days a month are nothing to do with her. He as a parent with parental responsibility has the right to make decisions about the child's care without her input. As long as there are no safeguarding concerns he should be trusted as a dad to make decisions for his child. I'm sure she doesn't run every single decisions past him as the primary parent.

If she has a court order she can ask for the right for first refusal, so if he wants to go out during his contact time she gets asked to have DC first. Although, this could be a double edged sawed. She might end up having to ask him everything she wants to do something without the child and realistically it will be more of a ball ache for her on her 26 days a month than him on his

Is this man a dick? Yes

Should you say anything? No.

three reasons

1. it won’t stop him
2. you’ll get a load of grief
3. he can do what he wants with regards to parenting when he has DS. Hard to cope with I know, but true.