Dad going out on his parenting time

Are you for real? He is only expected to look after his own child for FOUR DAYS A MONTH! He has 26 days a month where he doesn’t parent. OP is concerned about the relationship between her child and his sad excuse of a father. Your comparisons are mind boggling.

Have you ever gone out and had a baby sitter for your son? Left him with your mum/sister/ family? If not do you intend to not do so for the next 16 years? Askong as your son is safe and looked after…by his mum as you’ve stated will be there…then but out!

How on earth is he meant to build a bond and relationship wirh him if he only has him every other weekend and then goes out on those days too?

Don't listen to people saying you have no say, you actually do. If this went to court a judge wouldn't be very impressed if it was a pattern of behaviour.

As long as his mum is there, he’ll ask her.

OP doesn’t actually know that he goes out on any of the nights he has his son, she heard one conversation at a wake of him being invited out.

I must admit I'm a bit confused as to why handing over a child in the midst of a funeral - or wake - was a good idea, when you don't know how people will be feeling and emotions will be running high. The date should have been changed (of the handover) in that case. But I can totally understand going out for drinks with family members - some of whom you probably don't see regularly - to drown your sorrows. I went out with my cousin after my nana's funeral.

But more broadly, yes it's rubbish if he does it all of the time and his mum enables it. But it's his loss and as long as your child is cared for then there is nothing that you can do. His relationship with his son might suffer but that is down to him. Hopefully he has a lovely relationship with his grandmother. If he's safe, warm, fed and cared for when he away from you then I am afraid that is the most that you are entitled to ask for. If his dad is a dickhead then that's life.

You had a child with a total fuckwit who now lives back with his enabler. As long as she is there for your son, the fuckwit will crack on. My concern would be the internalised misogyny she passes on to your son as he grows up, watching his granny do everything for the entitled fuckwit and thinking that’s what girls do for boys.

You thought it was a good idea to do a childcare handover at a funeral?

You have no evidence this night out actually happened.

Would you be happy if your ex had your very young son for more nights than he currently does? I wonder how much say he actually has in this matter.

Is your DS's nan housing your ex following your separation? If so of course she will be there.

Finally, you do realise that most non-resident parents spend their time working when they don't have their DC? Reality is he has 4 nights a month opportunity to socialise just like you do.

You sound very unreasonable.

I would have changed the dates that he has his son so that he could be fully present for the funeral and wake. Being annoyed that he was going out after a family members funeral is odd to me. Expecting him to have him at all when he's attending a family members funeral is very unreasonable of you. Do not bring this up to him.

Just leave it honestly. It’s up to him. And if you try and raise it in any way it will just backfire. Quite apart from anything else if he’s an abusive lazy shit, would you not prefer his mum there anyway- I would. And if he has a shit relationship with his dad at least he might have a decent one with his gran.

He’s not a good dad and he probably never will be. Use your energy to find good male role models for your son and to support your son as he gets older and realises how crap his dad is. That’s all you can do.

Its not your place to ask or tell him what he should do on his time. As irritating as it is if the other parent doesn't step up in the same way you do, you can't change him. Ultimately it's his relationship that will suffer with his son in the long run but that isn't your problem to solve.

Umfortunatley as he sounds an entitled man child , you would be wasting your breath discussing this and mother would probably lie to cover him.
Pick your battles x

You can't force someone to be a decent parent. I know it's crap to see but realistically you have to make your peace with it

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for expecting your ex to spend what little time he has with his so each month but you can’t control this. He parents as he sees fit, which seems to be delegating to his mother.

On a human level, get your frustration. He hardly has him so should be able to prioritise the little time he has with him so as to not go out. However, on the logical and actually what can you do about it level, what he chooses to do on his parenting time is up to him ultimately unless you have genuine safety / safeguarding concerns (i.e. lack of appropriate supervision which he is getting his mum to care for child, no food/appropriate hygiene and clothing, marks or injuries to your child etc), not just differences in parenting and what your expectations would be of how you would do it. You can only encourage him not to or raise that you feel it would be positive for your child to spend this time with him as quality time but unfortunately there’s not much else you can do if he doesn’t.

I can see your point, but you don't know he does this all the time - as a one off, and if he is grieving, it may be understandable. As long as gran is looking after your son, and son is in bed anyway, I don't think it's the end of the world.

And what good will raising it do? Do you think he is likely to say, shit, hadn't thought of that, you are right I'll stay in?

Seems unlikely.

Try and preserve as positive a relationship with him as you can, seriously, which means not swearing the small stuff, even when you have a valid point. Your son will thank you later - much better for him to have amicable co-parents, even if dad goes out occasionally when he is asleep.

Because she looks after the child 28 days of the month and he looks after the child for four days.

Why are you allowed to go out to an "occasion" but deem it inappropriate for your EX to his uncles wake?
Is that not an occasion?

I don’t see why your ex ( he’s not your dad that was confusing terminology) is never allowed to have other people look after his children if something comes up on a weekend when he has the kids. It isn’t his « parenting time » It is time when he is in overall charge of the children and can have them looked after by his relatives. When else are paternal grandparents expected to see their grandchildren? When my ex “had” our don during holidays sometimes his parents took him away for a week as he was working or doing something else. That’s fine.

He has his child 4 nights a month!

Honestly, I’m coming back as a dad next time

Wow the bar for men really is low.

Imagine what you’d be saying if the roles were reversed… a mother only seeing her kids for 4 days a month, but then even on those days leaving her parents to do the majority of the work because she can’t be arsed? 🙄

Really sorry to hear he was emotionally abusive and narcissistic during your relationship with him and that he left you whilst pregnant. He doesn’t sound like a nice person at all; unfortunately you chose this man to be the father of your child.

Therefore knowing what you know about him do you think he will listen to you and do as you ask? If you think there’s a chance he’ll see the error of his ways then yes speak to him about it. However if he’s going to kick off and make life difficult then say nothing.

You’ve got many more years of dealing with him and I suspect he’s going to disappoint you every step of the way. Sorry.

You shouldn't say anything to him. He's responsible for the childcare on his time and he can get his mum to do it if he wants. Your son is obviously used to his Grandma.