AIBU to feel upset after seeing school mums out together?

I'm so sorry for what you're feeling. You need to work on your relationship either end it or maintain it. And try to make new friends.

Op I just had to reply to this.

So sorry you’re having a tough time.

Not to make this about me but my eldest ds went to a small one form entry primary school. Honestly the cliquishness of some of the parents was horrible and off the scale. I know people on here will say that they’re allowed to be friends, but the smugness, bitchiness, deliberately excluding of one child/parent goes on.

My youngest went to a much larger primary and you just don’t get all the little cliques in the same way, it’s been a breath of fresh air. So many more people, yes people still have their friends etc but it’s just not the same.

I found I had more of a social group when I was on the PTA and got involved with school events. Is that something you could do, OP?

Most parents I don't think see each other regularly once their kids are off to secondary school. There is a group I see when we meet up for drinks at Christmas but that's it really. I never really counted on making friends with other parents at primary school as I already had good friends from school I still keep in touch with, but it was nice to have a local network. What I'm saying is a lot of those friendships are situational and will not remain once the kids move on.

@Advice943 you aren't ND. You have a crappy husband and married into family.
Id focus on sorting that out. Youll feel infinitely better!

Also, no DC for a whole saturday every week?! Why are you waiting around for them! Go do you!!! The world's your oyster!

Stop being such a martyr!

Come on op, you're a grown woman, act like one!

Stop playing the victim and orchestrate the changes you want to see! Only you can make that happen!

My youngest DS is also 18. DD 22. It's a hard transition time isn't it for us mums? Fostering cats for a local charity has been fab for my wellbeing tbh. I used to be a vet nurse. I'm on my second litter of the year and honestly watching 6 week old kittens play upstairs in my house brings me so much joy. I've fostered & rehomed 70 cats in the 3 years since I've been fostering. Just a suggestion (if you like cats lol 😆) But I agree it can be a lonely old time as kids grow up and head off into the world.

She has a job, and has been asked out by workmates but can't go out as husband wont commit to looking after children. Can't go out on weekends as mil takes children and drops them off whenever she wants so she has to sit at home all day waiting for her to drop them back. Ridiculous situation.

I don't think you have autism, just bad luck with dh, in laws and now school mum's.
You do sound quite beaten down and passive though.
Firstly, demand the key back from your mil. It's your house too. Brook no argument on the subject. Do you have a key to hers? Bet you don't.
Hire a babysitter and go out with your workmates,.
Mil does not take the children unless you say so. Sitting at home every weekend waiting for her is ridiculous. You control when she takes them and let her know when you will be home to drop them off.
Don't be too upset about the school mum situation. As your children grow and expand into their own hobbies things may change.

i just want to say the best thing my cheating ex did for me was leave me , there is nothing lonelier than being in a marriage with an abusive man ,, my confidence is back I didn’t even know who I was myself without my awful ex , friends or not go out to new places meet new people do things you never thought you would

no one ever regrets leaving but they do if they stay , take care

Even now he takes them to her house on weekends for the entire day and I’m left home waiting for them to return.
Stop waiting about, get yourself out, find interests and hobbies, even go out and take a book to a coffee shop.

Do you have any time for a hobby op, or an exercise class? You might find a friend with a shared interest. School mum friends can be fickle - genuinely thought I had friendships with a few irrespective of our dc, until they went on to separate schools and then tumbleweed.

If you are nd, you might have better luck with other nd adults. Sometimes we can be subtly off putting to neurotypicals, in ways they can’t seem to put a finger on. I’ve realised, looking back in my 40s, that all the people I made meaningful connections with were distinctly nd.

Hi OP. I really feel for you because I have been in your situation many times myself and it really hurts.

I can't say whether you are neurodivergent or not, but I have ADHD and suffer badly from Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. School mums are notoriously cliquey, and if your face doesn't fit it is very hard. Please know that your worth is not dependent on being accepted by them though. Try to join some groups, as others have suggested, so you can make friends away from the school gates.

Your dh also sounds like a complete a* hole which is probably making you feel even worse. Does he have any redeeming qualities at all? If you are not happy in your marriage would you consider leaving and moving closer to your family? At least then you would have a support network around you.

I can relate to parts of this. I feel my son missed out on things because I couldn't make friends at the school gates. It did sting, but I am what I am!
I think try building your tribe, try meeting people through hobbies or interests and then leave your dope of a husband. If he takes them out for one day a weekend that's a perfect opportunity to join a group. I find it easier to talk when there is a shared interest. From what I've read of your replies, your Husband doesn't seem to respect you, your needs or boundaries. Get your ducks in a row and make plans for you and your kids to drop the knobhead.

Sounds like your husband is the more pressing problem here? Laptop on a date night?

I know it seems everyone potentially has autism or ADHD on this forum at times. Like you say being introverted and socially awkward is just a common personality type. It is strange the prevalence of it these days though. My nephew has just been diagnosed as autistic and ADHD and I wouldn't think it to look at his behaviour as he seems completely typical. And my sister has just been diagnosed ADHD. I suppose that might explain her talking at 100 miles an hour

You dont know their personal circumstances. They could be living a lifestyle only they are party to. I felt the same in similar circumstances you describe until I found out they were swingers. If someone had told me that I would never have believed it given most of them were university educated professionals. Many couples lead alternative lifestyles with many variations therefore its obvious you wouldn't be included especially if this is the case.Nothing surprises me now.

In your opinion.

Really sorry OP- I’d be upset by that too. It sounds like you’ve really tried to be present and get to know people and they haven’t taken you up on it. I can totally understand when your son plays with the other 5 kids and you are the only one not invited. I’m not sure what the solution is other than to try and accept this lot maybe aren’t for you right now and look elsewhere. It also won’t be personal since they don’t know you.

FWIW it isn’t much better at large city schools where I am either. Lots of parents already knew each other through older siblings when my DD joined school and they weren’t interested in being particularly friendly with new parents. I’ve sort of accepted that as long as my child is happy at school and has friends there that’s the main thing. When they get older they will arrange social events themselves. I also give my DC chances to socialise at clubs outside school etc and she is with family a lot- trying to create a full life outside of school ‘mum’ stuff. And I think she has one. It also takes the pressure off of me knowing I don’t have to force play dates etc.

I do sometimes still feel a bit sad I’ve not made any proper friends with kids though. But I generally only gel with a few people in any setting. Maybe you are the same?

But that doesn’t mean they have done wrong and you’re feeding the op to think they have.

this is a group of friends who went out together, mums and dads, who brought their Kids. The op is not entitled to their friendship group and being invited as her kid plays with them.

if you’d feel hurt seeing groups of friends you’re not part of, then the issue, kindly is you. Not them.

what next. See anyone you know out with their mates and feel hurt,

That sounds really awful op, and very very lonely (your DH sounds the worst). I'm sorry and big hugs x

Sorry you’re having a tough time.

it’s hard making friends as an adult - you have to constantly put yourself out there and keep up the efforts.

I’ve been an on and off my whole adult life. You have to treat making friends like a job. Honestly some of my closest friends I saw, decided I wanted to be friends with them on the basis of what I saw and made it happen. Two of them I’ve been friends with for 20 years at this point.

along the way there have been rejections, rudeness and it’s hard but you have to keep going.

invite them for a coffee/play date walk.

create specific opportunities: you have a spare ticket for an exhibition, show, talk - would they like to come? You’ll be in town for a meeting would they like a coffee?

join a yoga/pottery/coding class. Start training for a marathon and see if anyone wants to run. They have a great garden and you are doing yours, could you ask their advice?

when rejected dust yourself off, it’s not personal people are busy. Keep at it 😊

actually Mel Robbins has a chapter on this in her book which is similar. Just keep putting yourself out there.

Rejection sensitivity is definitely a thing. I know that it’s associated with autism but it’s also a product of trauma.

Reading your post objectively, I think you’re overreacting. People are allowed to associate without inviting everyone along. I personally would be upset but only if I genuinely wanted to be with them.

Try not to expect others to include you in everything and you’ll free yourself too from the pressure you put on yourself to be included.

I was this mum, always on the periphery. I found it really hard and tried desperately to join in. Come year 5 and 6 it still continued and the kids all socialised together and the parent group met up all the time and my daughter and I found it hard. Once at secondary these kids were drinking, smoking and getting suspensions and the parents started drinking more heavily when they socialised and have mostly had nasty fallouts. I was so desperate for my daughter and I to be included and now I am so relieved we weren’t. My daughter is now 17 and has a lovely friendship group and I have kept contact with 3 original parents (who also stayed out of the drama) and am infinitely happier. The rest I do not miss one bit. School is weird as you’re thrown together with people and it’s cliquey but be careful what you wish for. It feels like an age at the time and looks like everyone else but you is happy but appearances are very deceptive.

I am a confident and assertive 55y old with a big social circle and lots of different friends from various areas in life. I would still feel hurt in this scenario OP described. It’s a pretty normal human reaction, esp when your child is involved.

I think you should prioritise getting your marriage sorted. If you are lonely in a marriage that’s a very sad place to be and even having tons of friends won’t cure that. People can pick up on desperation and it may be that because you want to use friendships to shore up your crap relationship, that people can sense this and feel uncomfortable around you.
if you can afford it, I suggest you get some counselling.