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Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt by our childminder's abrupt goodbye?

202 replies

Bitzy123 · 17/04/2026 07:47

My partner dropped off the kids at the childminders (who gave notice to us four weeks ago) this morning. Yesterday we dropped off flowers and chocolates. Grandma will pick them up this evening so my partner who does all the pick ups and drop offs won't see her again and not will anyone after today. She said she had given notice for personal reasons and gave no other reasons after looking after my son for 2 years who is 2 years 7 months and my other son who is 20 months. She has had them both since months old. There has never been much more handover or communication from her (I found out other childminders give comprehensive info on naps mealtimes etc) and she has only ever told us things when my partner asks. She has always been pleasant and reliable though and I thought we were good. It really knocked me for 6 when she gave notice but we have found someone else. I guess I just find it strange the lack of anything. I wanted to be gracious despite her binning us off and got her a big box of chocolates, nice flowers and a thank you card signed from all of us.

This morning my partner updated me after drop off that she barely said anything and was about to shut the door on him before he could wish her well and say bye etc, he said all th best and she said 'oh yes I wont see you later will I I hope it goes well with the new minder'. She has 20 years experience and 2 grown up sons of her own. We have never had any conflict, I wondered why she has been so cold at the end after she has been the one to slight us? Before people chime in with 'shw owes you nothing' etc I know all that already I understand nobody owes anyone anything! I just feel hurt that she didn't even have a few words to say before leaving even if she doesn't owe them.. to us a childminder has been meaningful and someone whom we've trusted to care for our sons since they were both 5 months old on this journey that is parenting etc. I wonder what we've done wrong or what went wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bitzy123 · 17/04/2026 12:48

PrincessoftheManor · 17/04/2026 11:54

It’s likely your boys were challenging for her to mind and she’s wanting an easier life, from what you described. Sorry.

Thanks for honesty

OP posts:
Original poster
Bitzy123 · 17/04/2026 12:47

Calliopespa · 17/04/2026 10:29

I actually was thinking something similar op.

I know someone whom your posts are reminding me of and I am fond of her and she largely means well but sometimes not quite as well as she convinces herself. She is very much the "let's put this all right with a lovely gesture" type, and I think she genuinely DOES want things to be ok but it is really as much for her conscience and sense of how "well" she manages things as it is about the other person's actual feelings. There are worse things than wanting to feel you have managed things well - but at least be honest with yourself that's what it is about. I think you are feeling a bit frustrated because deep down the flowers and "big" box of chocs were an attempt to manipulate the situation back to one you felt comfortable with, and she hasn't played ball. As you said yourself, you want to know you haven't done something wrong, and I think the gifts were intended to leave you with a warmer, fuzzier feeling than you have been allowed.

If it helps, I suspect this whole thing has very little to do with you. I mean that helpfully - but sometimes that isn't really what people are wanting to feel? It sounds to me as though she is genuinely facing some personal issues and trying hard to manage professionally through them. What you are wanting and what she is wanting out of this farewell process are fundamentally mismatched and I think you have to accept she has other things on her mind.

More generally, however, I also think one of the hardest things for us to accept as parents is that teachers and childminders and caregivers and nannies etc simply don't see our dc the way we - as their parents - would hope they do. Several pp who have been childminders have more or less said this. Our dc are the most precious things in the world to us; at the end of the day they are usually one in a whole stream of children the teacher/childminder interacts with and they are, for them, more than anything else, a prop for income generation. Yes, some of them quite like, even love "children" as an amorphous group, but honestly I have met quite a few who I suspect don't really even like children much and fate and circumstance manoeuvred them into the role. The teachers or nannies who really care beyond a professional interest (or even box-tick) are few and far between - and perhaps it isn't even healthy for them in a way to become too attached when at any point the parent could change horses and children develop and move on. Genuinely interested individuals do exist but are far from the norm, but of course accepting that cuts across every parental instinct when we are entrusting our dc to them, often for large chunks of their developmental hours. So strings of my friends have felt similar things to you when nannies have moved on without a backward glance etc. This simply isn't as important to this lady as it is to you, and chocs and hand-wringing etc are not going to make it so. You care, she doesn't much. And I suspect she feels the chocs etc are all just a ploy to make her gushy about what is ultimately something she has decided she wants to do: move on.

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I thought it would convey some appreciation she maybe didn't feel from us? Or put a more positive spin on things, lessen the tension and and give a nicer ending but it hasn't really?. What I hope is that it isn't anything to do with me and that it's not personal and not knowing wether that's the case or not is hard

I know there have been loads of children throughout her years etc I am aware of that and very conscious of it I work with children myself. I do always like to end with families by acknowledging I won't see them again and closing the last meeting with a few nice words and these are people I haven't worked with any where near as closely as her. I get not everyone is like this but it does feel strange.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bitzy123 · 17/04/2026 12:40

crowfollower · 17/04/2026 11:46

WHAT do you want her to say? From what you described in your last thread your kids are a nightmare. THERE is your answer. She is hardly going to be upset they are leaving or tell your partner that she will miss them so much.
She said good luck with the new childminder and that says it all. What "words" do you think she should have for you?

Why you are still harping on about it is beyond me. The other thread was bad enough without moaning she is not lamenting your kids leaving. Sounds like she is relieved. Get over it and move on.

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Even if they're a nightmare she didn't have them for a couple years so I thought she'd maybe want to say goodbye or something after giving notice to us. They aren't a nightmare every single minute they have redeeming qualities and i have seen worse behaved toddlers so I thought maybe she could care about them a little bit enough to say something. I'm not a lamenter myself but even I would feel bad not saying goodbye and a few words etc..

I haven't harped on about this to her or others I'm coming here to vent for that reason. Can't really help thinking about it. I didn't think there'd be nothing at all said on the last day unless we'd really annoyed her or upset her.

OP posts:
dizzydizzydizzy · 17/04/2026 12:27

Bitzy123 · 17/04/2026 11:53

Do you think that's possible? I really thought with her experience and how she comes across she would pay attention but maybe she wasn't. It does explain things a bit.

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She was at the door talking to your DH so if the children had ran inside then she was focussing on DH rather than the DCs. But if they were standing next to her then it wouldn’t be that.

Monty36 · 17/04/2026 12:12

Sometimes people are bad at goodbyes.
But from the way you describe it, it does seem as if there is something more.
You say she has given up for personal reasons. And it is worrying you whether those personal reasons are close to home.
I would let sleeping dogs lie. Look forward. Your children will adjust to the new childminder.
Don’t tie yourself up in knots trying to work out why she left.

nomas · 17/04/2026 12:09

I would not have given flowers and chocolates to a woman who was uncommunicative and gave me notice.

You’ve made the classic mistake of being nice to someone who doesn’t warrant it and are now feeling the pain.

Being charitable, she may have problems you don’t know about. Or she’s just miserable in general.

Be glad you’ve had a lucky escape and forget her.

Namechange568899542 · 17/04/2026 12:08

Are you the same poster that posted a few weeks ago about being upset that the childminder had given you notice but hadn’t detailed what about her personal life had changed? If so, kindly, you are way too over-invested in her reasoning. It’s just a job to her, and you’ve managed to find someone else. Let it go and don’t give it a second thought.

Calliopespa · 17/04/2026 12:03

rainbowstardrops · 17/04/2026 11:59

I didn’t read your previous thread but it seems that maybe she’s ’binned you off’ because of your children’s behaviour?
If that’s the case, what did you expect from her? That she rolled out the red carpet and welcomed the children with a fanfare?
All seems a bit odd.

I think OP wanted her to say it wasn't personal and she would have loved to keep her dc on but something made that not possible.

That might in fact be the case, but if it isn't I don't think the minder seems "minded" to impart any further feedback on that, so the upshot is the same: it's time to move on and try not to keep looking back.

VickyEadieofThigh · 17/04/2026 12:03

carkerpartridge · 17/04/2026 08:33

Did you post when she gave you notice without explanation? If so, I think you are too nice giving her leaving gifts to be honest! I don't think you will ever know what's going on with her, it's perplexing but just one of those things unfortunately.

Why? She said "personal reasons", she doesn't have to explain anything further!

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 17/04/2026 12:02

Have you considered that she might be ill and pre-occupied?

Calliopespa · 17/04/2026 12:00

Bitzy123 · 17/04/2026 11:48

Yeah just stopped minding my kids. I thought getting the flowers and chocolates would show appreciation for the time she looked after them and allow us and me to make peace with it but she's still been cold so in retrospect I feel a bit silly getting the flowers. I hope she is just a woman who doesn't say much and really it's not that personal to us.

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For whatever reason OP, she wants to end the association.

It may be personal reasons, she may have an anal fissure that makes her prefer babies to active toddlers ... who knows.

If it is "personal," the most likely thing is that she maybe finds one or both of your dc a bit tricky, and it sounds as though that could be a possibility. But just note it, work on the issue and keep moving on. If that is it and she was a brilliant childminder, she might be wanting to be proactive in tackling it with you. But it seems she doesn't.

You ultimately can't control what others think and decide. Most of us are making wrong assessments of things and people all the time. So long as you are prepared to consider what it might have been that could have upset things - and it sounds as though you have - there isn't much you can do. You tried with the flowers and at least you don't have to wonder if you could have made things less awkward had you made such a gesture.

I think you are right and this will all seem less important once you are not in the notice period.

The bottom line is you feel your dc have been rejected. That isn't easy to process, but it might be something else entirely unrelated to them or you. Nevertheless, your children will be slighted and passed over many, many times before they reach adulthood. It is hard, but it is part of parenting to just move on and seek out the supporters.

rainbowstardrops · 17/04/2026 11:59

I didn’t read your previous thread but it seems that maybe she’s ’binned you off’ because of your children’s behaviour?
If that’s the case, what did you expect from her? That she rolled out the red carpet and welcomed the children with a fanfare?
All seems a bit odd.

campingwidow · 17/04/2026 11:59

Just get granny who’s collecting them tonight to ask why she’s giving them up if you’re still desperate to know. She might be more likely to get an honest answer.

Then have a bath and a glass of wine tonight and start looking forwards.

StrictlyCoffee · 17/04/2026 11:55

Edenmum2 · 17/04/2026 08:37

I really can’t believe you are still caught up on this after all the threads and all the people offering you so many reasons why she might not be behaving the exact way you want her to. Let it go, it’s getting weird now.

Edited

This

move on OP

Original poster
Bitzy123 · 17/04/2026 11:55

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · 17/04/2026 10:20

You need to get to the bottom of why you're taking this so hard. Do you have concerns about your son's behaviour?

Maybe I am autistic like people are saying and very weird. Yeah a bit, I am upset he lashes out sometimes and that he doesn't like sharing his things. He's brilliant in lots of ways, very smart early talker walker very perceptive etc but I do worry there's something niggling about how he doesn't relate to others and how he can get angry so quickly.

OP posts:
PrincessoftheManor · 17/04/2026 11:54

It’s likely your boys were challenging for her to mind and she’s wanting an easier life, from what you described. Sorry.

Original poster
Bitzy123 · 17/04/2026 11:53

dizzydizzydizzy · 17/04/2026 11:50

She’s embarrassed? Was worried she was not paying attention to the children?

Do you think that's possible? I really thought with her experience and how she comes across she would pay attention but maybe she wasn't. It does explain things a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bitzy123 · 17/04/2026 11:52

101Alsatians · 17/04/2026 11:47

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt though

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Thanks. I think it will be okay after today, it's just cos today is the last ever day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bitzy123 · 17/04/2026 11:51

LittleSpeckleFrog · 17/04/2026 10:11

Oh so she isn't actually giving up childminding? She's just stopping minding your kids?

Yeah I'd be a bit confused by that and it would make me think something about my children had made her not want to mind them specifically anymore.

I probably wouldn't have got her flowers etc either tbh.

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Yeah I thought maybe it's the bad patch they went through but apparently throwing tantrums hitting etc sometimes is normal at 1 and 2 according to people I know and on here.. it's been mixed reviews really. Even if it's normal it could be that she'd prefer someone else easier like people have said or who brings more revenue in. Either way after two years I thought it she didn't hate us she might have said goodbye and wish you well etc, I think I had a different idea on my head of who she is and maybe there is something we've done to upset her? Ino think after today I'll let go of it because the boys won't have to keep coming back to her anymore they'll be with the new minder.

OP posts:
dizzydizzydizzy · 17/04/2026 11:50

She’s embarrassed? Was worried she was not paying attention to the children?

Original poster
Bitzy123 · 17/04/2026 11:48

LittleSpeckleFrog · 17/04/2026 10:11

Oh so she isn't actually giving up childminding? She's just stopping minding your kids?

Yeah I'd be a bit confused by that and it would make me think something about my children had made her not want to mind them specifically anymore.

I probably wouldn't have got her flowers etc either tbh.

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Yeah just stopped minding my kids. I thought getting the flowers and chocolates would show appreciation for the time she looked after them and allow us and me to make peace with it but she's still been cold so in retrospect I feel a bit silly getting the flowers. I hope she is just a woman who doesn't say much and really it's not that personal to us.

OP posts:
101Alsatians · 17/04/2026 11:47

Bitzy123 · 17/04/2026 11:43

This seems more natural and normal to me lol I wasn't expecting this from this one but something more than absolutely nothing I guess. Yeah ik you're right it's time to move on 😅

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I'm sorry you're feeling hurt though

Original poster
Bitzy123 · 17/04/2026 11:46

PollyBell · 17/04/2026 08:02

Why is it assumed ir was something to do with you? There could be a million reasons

Because still minding the other children and really because of hearing nothing now it's the end. There's been no closure or even a few words to summarise just radio silence so now I'm wondering did I do something?

OP posts:
crowfollower · 17/04/2026 11:46

Bitzy123 · 17/04/2026 11:40

I totally know this but yeah I thought she might have had maybe one or two words to say to my partner and hopefully she will say something to the kids too by the end of today. He said it was really odd he wanted to wish her well and say thank you to her and she was like 'oh yes hope it goes well' whilst closing the door on him. I do think after today it'll be better because there won't be the constant lingering anymore. That's what's made me hang up on it so much, the fact they're still having to go there for the notice period.

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WHAT do you want her to say? From what you described in your last thread your kids are a nightmare. THERE is your answer. She is hardly going to be upset they are leaving or tell your partner that she will miss them so much.
She said good luck with the new childminder and that says it all. What "words" do you think she should have for you?

Why you are still harping on about it is beyond me. The other thread was bad enough without moaning she is not lamenting your kids leaving. Sounds like she is relieved. Get over it and move on.

Original poster
Bitzy123 · 17/04/2026 11:45

SummerFrog2026 · 17/04/2026 10:14

Me either, except I suppose all the validation from people who haven't read the other threads.

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I'm posting about the last day this time, before it was about the notice when we first found out. I've only posted twice on here and it's been about this. I will find it easier after today I think cos today's the most penultimate with it being the last day.

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