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Original poster

AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

590 replies

CotswoldConundrum · 16/04/2026 18:05

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

OP posts:
RealEagle · 16/04/2026 20:23

It’s sounds boring,i’d rather a party with my grandkids there aswell .

ToastSafeFromMothsAndDogs · 16/04/2026 20:23

This is absolutely loopy.

Just to start with - a whole ‘family’ weekend with none of the grandchildren?

And is planning an event based on what the pictures will look like a thing now? I appreciate harebrained influencers do it, but grandmothers??

Whataninterestinglookingpotato · 16/04/2026 20:20

We normally do a pub lunch or a family bbq for big birthday celebrations for the parents and in laws. All seems a bit much really.

Collapsiblechairwithacushion · 16/04/2026 20:19

OMG, how totally over-the-top! I would absolutely hate that! I can't abide fuss.

I'm the polar opposite of your mil. On my 60th birthday I went to work as usual. A kind colleague had made a cake, which I had a small slice of during my tea break. But other than that it was a normal, uneventful working day. I worked for 10 hours, went home, watched a bit of TV and then went to bed.

TheBlueKoala · 16/04/2026 20:17

You are a kinder woman than me @CotswoldConundrum . If my Mil or anyone else really would try this with me I would laugh right out. Who does she think she is? An invitation is not a summons normally. And when you invite you don't make people pay. I would say no to everything tbh because it's so ott. Guess I would say I don't want to leave the children so as to keep the peace but no way I would indulge this weird birthday thing.

LakieLady · 16/04/2026 20:17

Bunnybackinherwarren · 16/04/2026 18:17

I feel a dose of D&V may save your soul op.

I was thinking similar: perhaps an attack of what my DM called "diplomatic flu".

Nogimachi · 16/04/2026 20:17

I find this cheeky and entitled, but for the sake of family harmony you probably need to be guided by your husband here. Personally I’d be tempted to let him go for the full weekend and only leave the kids for one night myself. It seems a shame to leave such young children for two nights when you aren’t even that keen on being at the occasion.

Woodfiresareamazing · 16/04/2026 20:17

CotswoldConundrum · 16/04/2026 18:05

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

I get pretty pissed off when other people want to spend my money...

Iloveeverycat · 16/04/2026 20:15

Very over the top. DH and I both 60th last year went for a meal at the local pub with adult kids and partners.

CautiousLurker2 · 16/04/2026 20:14

Sorry, but I’d be telling MiL to eff off.

My MiL would absolutely have arranged her weekend around including her grandkids because, well, she loves them more than life.

This is a narcissistic event that I would want nothing to do with. It’s an effing birthday.

I’d be declining. So grateful every day I read MN for the wonderful PiLs that I have.

Woodfiresareamazing · 16/04/2026 20:12

CotswoldConundrum · 16/04/2026 18:57

if it was just me I probably would simplify it.

I think part of the difficulty is that it would create quite a bit of friction if we didn’t attend as expected. DH is very much of the view that we should just go along with it for the sake of keeping the peace, particularly as it’s a milestone birthday.

I suspect we’ll end up going, I’m just trying to work out what feels reasonable in terms of how much we commit to.

Edited

I think it's absolutely outrageous.

To demand that family come for the whole weekend, but no children allowed, you should only wear certain colours, you've been 'volunteered' to organise/check stuff is all happening as it should (so won't find it very relaxing), AND you have to pay a huge amount for the privilege of obeying the Royal summons!

Oh, and on top of all of that, she wants a decent present too!

To not even pay for dinner for their guests I think is very poor. (I know, they're paying for drinks, big whoop).

It's fair enough if MiL wants a huge celebration for her 60th at a fancy hotel, but she should be paying for it, not expecting everyone else to. She's expecting couples with children to spend at least £1k !!
"I'd love you to come and celebrate my birthday with me! And by the way, it'll cost around £1,000".

Even if DH goes on his own on the Friday, you've still got to pay for a room for him.
And anyway there's a 2 night minimum at the hotel they've chosen...

I would be tempted to book an Airbnb nearby, DH goes on his own on Friday night, I would come with the kids on Saturday afternoon. And I wouldn't be running around checking arrangements either ...

Fraughtmum · 16/04/2026 20:12

What a load of wank

DierdreDaphne · 16/04/2026 20:10

JacknDiane · 16/04/2026 18:13

Honest to god, what is it with these princesses that need a massive do and for everyone else to pay for it?
Ive got no time for people like that. Im 60 this year and hope we can get a nice family dinner and maybe a day out.

Sorry op, your MIL sounds an utter pain in the arse.

I know! I rented a room in the pub, paid for the food, made my own playlist and had a WONDERFUL evening. This is full on Birthdayzilla!

OP you MiL in bonkers and you're being far too polite saying ' nothing wrong with ' etc. It's a three line whip to stand to attention and part with £££££

You might be able to afford the money but you might not want to devote the time. Others may find the money really difficult too. Its shockingly insensitve and demanding, I think your DH ought to (gently??) point this out to her.

Passingthrough123 · 16/04/2026 20:09

She can want what she wants, but that doesn't mean you have to pretzel yourselves to accommodate her. I mean, what's the worst she can do if you don't turn up on for the Friday drinks because of childcare? Sulk? Tantrum? Throw you out of the family group chat? I'd see the latter as a good thing!

And what if your mum is ill on the day and can't look after the kids? Would MIL expect you to dump them on someone else?

She's being ridiculous, and so are your FIL and DH for pandering to her.

Trampoline · 16/04/2026 20:08

100 mandatory guests, all paying for the meal as well as the expense of being/getting/staying there? What a joke. You're family and feel put out, imagine what her friends must be saying! I'm impressed you're going along with this circus- I'd be doing the meal and no more, especially if my kids weren't invited. This woman sounds quite something - has she also invited Hello magazine?!

Cakeandcardio · 16/04/2026 20:08

For a 60th birthday, I would expect the MIL / FIL to take immediate family out for dinner and for them to pay (this is what I would do).
She sounds completely up her own arse.

It sounds like you might have to suck it up as your husband is on board but your feelings are very very understandable.

godmum56 · 16/04/2026 20:03

CotswoldConundrum · 16/04/2026 18:57

if it was just me I probably would simplify it.

I think part of the difficulty is that it would create quite a bit of friction if we didn’t attend as expected. DH is very much of the view that we should just go along with it for the sake of keeping the peace, particularly as it’s a milestone birthday.

I suspect we’ll end up going, I’m just trying to work out what feels reasonable in terms of how much we commit to.

Edited

usual MN thing, sounds like you have a DH problem to me.

godmum56 · 16/04/2026 20:00

CotswoldConundrum · 16/04/2026 18:15

Not all the guests, no — it seems to be more of an expectation for immediate family.

From what I understand, a lot of people are just coming for the Saturday evening, but MIL has said she’d like “close family there for the whole thing” as it will feel more “special” (and look better in photos).

I think that’s part of what’s making me hesitate — it’s not being presented as optional in the way it seems to be for others.

Show quote history

well she can want what she likes.....as my Mum used to say "I wants never gets"

Kitt1 · 16/04/2026 19:58

Ugh! I’d refuse to attend for the entire weekend. Maybe just go for the main dinner?
I can’t be doing with organised faffing and how can she not want her grandchildren there???

For my 60th birthday we went on a city break and two of our adult DC chose to come too. There was no coercion. It was lovely and lots of fun.

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/04/2026 19:57

All that time with MIL and family sounds like my idea of hell tbh, and I wouldn’t be going, let alone paying for the privilege, lol. She does sound like my (thankfully ex) MIL who starred in her own productions wherever possible, aided and abetted by her sons btw. Hell. On. Earth.. The various DILs all got together and we all got quietly drunk, lol

Tabbers79 · 16/04/2026 19:57

ChatGPT strikes again!

JazzyAmbs · 16/04/2026 19:52

Is she an influencer for the silver generation? She’ll be asking for a free birthday cake next in return for insta posts!

Shinyandnew1 · 16/04/2026 19:52

She wants a massive wedding-sized birthday party but whereas with a wedding you cover the cost of everyone’s meals, she is expecting the guests to fork out for themselves! It really doesn’t reflect well on her, does it?!

mondaytosunday · 16/04/2026 19:50

It doesn’t matter that she wants Friday night drinks to be the start of the weekend. Her son will be there and due to your children not being invited you can only come for the Saturday evening and Sunday brunch. Not that I think the kids would enjoy it anyway . However I could see this as being a totally different scenario if ‘immediate family’ didn’t include you, as we have seen in recent posts!
How does your partner feel about it?

Offherrockingchair · 16/04/2026 19:50

I’d grow a backbone and say no. Let your DH sort it, it’s his mum!