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Original poster

AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

590 replies

CotswoldConundrum · 16/04/2026 18:05

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

OP posts:
Curryingfavour · 17/04/2026 07:54

CotswoldConundrum · 16/04/2026 21:13

An Update - FIL has had a bit of a talk with MIL about the grandchildren part, and it seems the GC are now welcome, as my DH received a message in their family group chat.

It does sound as though there was a bit of back and forth on it, so I imagine she was fairly set on the original idea.

I am not sure whether it’s now our children for the whole weekend or just part of it, I expect this will be clarified in due course.

On a slightly separate note, I do sometimes think the difficulty is that DH wouldn’t naturally push back on something like this.

He’s very used to going along with whatever MIL has in mind, which probably makes it feel much more straightforward to him than it does to me.

Edited

Oh , well that’s an improvement I guess .
So hoping FIL and MIL will ask the hotel to organise a vetted babysitter then ?

bestbefore · 17/04/2026 07:50

How rude to expect people to pay for their meals at her party

Curryingfavour · 17/04/2026 07:49

Utterly ridiculous. Who does she think she is !??
I would have absolutely loved for my grandchild to be at my 60th ( that was a while ago )but my other adult children are far too far away .
Mine was a wee bit of afternoon tea somewhere not too far from our home .
Only myself , my husband and my youngest adult child .
I got a couple of carefully chosen but not expensive gifts from my SIL , and my sister .
A voucher from another family member and that was it !!

seazon · 17/04/2026 07:48

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 16/04/2026 18:27

Do you already have a nanny or a regular babysitter? If not, are you actually sure you can source overnight paid childcare for a whole weekend?

I’m interested in how people do this? Presume the other side of the family?

IdentityCris · 17/04/2026 07:48

In your shoes, I'd be worrying what's coming up for Ruby and Golden wedding anniversaries, MiL's 70th birthday, MiL's 75th, MiL's 80th ...

ThejoyofNC · 17/04/2026 07:45

Dancingintherain09 · 17/04/2026 07:44

I would have been out the minute I was told I'm not sat with DH. That's sounds intentionally rude. Yes mix family friends but you do so in couples. At my wedding I had tables of 8 or 12 and they were half and half mixed I did not split couples or households

Edited
Show quote history

Oh I would ignore that even if I did go. You can't dictate where someone sits for a meal that they are paying for themselves.

AllotmentTime · 17/04/2026 07:45

@CotswoldConundrumi have questions...
Has she actually booked this and invited people, or is this still the planning stage?
Has she thought through the logistics of having people pay for their own meal? As someone said, the hotel staff are going to have fun going round all the tables with a card reader.
Who's paying for the rest of your meals while you're there?
How's it going to work having people turn up for drinks who weren't invited for the meal? It only works at weddings because the wedding breakfast is so early. She can't invite people to arrive for a normal after dinner time, surely.
Has she actually drafted an invitation which tells people that they are coughing up £95 and have to wear colours she approves?!

Dancingintherain09 · 17/04/2026 07:44

CotswoldConundrum · 16/04/2026 18:15

Not all the guests, no — it seems to be more of an expectation for immediate family.

From what I understand, a lot of people are just coming for the Saturday evening, but MIL has said she’d like “close family there for the whole thing” as it will feel more “special” (and look better in photos).

I think that’s part of what’s making me hesitate — it’s not being presented as optional in the way it seems to be for others.

Show quote history

I would have been out the minute I was told I'm not sat with DH. That's sounds intentionally rude. Yes mix family friends but you do so in couples. At my wedding I had tables of 8 or 12 and they were half and half mixed I did not split couples or households

Treadcarefully11 · 17/04/2026 07:29

I’d just laugh at the suggestion and tell her I’m busy that weekend. It sounds atrocious. I wouldn’t consider attending even if she paid me to.

Mum2Fergus · 17/04/2026 07:27

Fuck that. I’d not be going or supporting that entitled behaviour in anyone.

FavouriteBiggle · 17/04/2026 07:26

ThejoyofNC · 17/04/2026 07:23

Frankly, your MIL is a disgrace. If you're going to "host" such a self obsessed event then at least have the decency to pay for it. Not a chance I'd spend a thousand pounds on this when she doesn't even give a shit enough to feed you. I guarantee the apparent all inclusive drinks dry up pretty quick too.

It's all about looking good in pictures. Who on earth gives people a dress code for a bloody 60th FFS. Honestly it's absolute insanity and you've been brain washed OP. Wake up and opt out before she's so high on her horse that she starts thinking she can control other aspects of your life.

Absolutely. It's all about her insta posts.

ThejoyofNC · 17/04/2026 07:23

Frankly, your MIL is a disgrace. If you're going to "host" such a self obsessed event then at least have the decency to pay for it. Not a chance I'd spend a thousand pounds on this when she doesn't even give a shit enough to feed you. I guarantee the apparent all inclusive drinks dry up pretty quick too.

It's all about looking good in pictures. Who on earth gives people a dress code for a bloody 60th FFS. Honestly it's absolute insanity and you've been brain washed OP. Wake up and opt out before she's so high on her horse that she starts thinking she can control other aspects of your life.

Phineyj · 17/04/2026 07:22

My parents are well off. My dad bought himself a boat for his 60th. We launched it at a party at a small hotel by a river. My dad paid for the boat, the hotel and the meals. DSis and I bought a quite pricey but thoughtful gift. He was pleased and said thank you.

That is normal.

This is not!!!

GranolaBaker · 17/04/2026 07:14

Unbelievably tacky to dictate all of this and then expect you to pay for your own dinner.

FavouriteBiggle · 17/04/2026 07:09

Conniebygaslight · 17/04/2026 06:51

Sounds bloody horrendous.

Agree.

And wear whatever you like. There's no way I would allow anyone to dictate what I wear to a birthday party. I would also be refusing the 'tasks' she has lined up for you, I would possibly do one thing if it wasn't too onerous but that's it. You are not her PA, event organizer or maidservant!

MyDeftDuck · 17/04/2026 07:09

FFS……all that planning and control……and she totally disregards her grandkids!! In essence …. you and DH have been allocated tasks…..and you’re having to pay for the privilege of executing them?! Fuck that for a game of soldiers! MIL is deranged and entitled!

Conniebygaslight · 17/04/2026 06:51

Sounds bloody horrendous.

THisbackwithavengeance · 17/04/2026 06:42

Can you easily afford it?

Does your DH want to go?

Can you find the childcare?

if so, then put a smile on your face, put your best dress on and go and enjoy yourself with your family in a lovely hotel, nice meal, etc.

Only on MN will people tell you not to go for no reason other than spite which will ruin the weekend for your DH and create problems in the family and in your marriage.

thepariscrimefiles · 17/04/2026 06:41

CotswoldConundrum · 16/04/2026 22:40

There have been several instances with the MIL in the past with myself, I always saw it in good faith but now I just feel like, and please excuse me. She’s taking the P*

I don’t know, with the DC now able to come - I feel like I just want to find the most expensive drink on the menu and dodge whatever ghastly tasks she gives over the weekend.

As for the DH, we’ve had problems in the past - but that’s for another day, if the DC are there the whole weekend then I’ll see if DH won’t drink one night, and I do - and vice versa to look after the kids.

Edited

Your FIL sounds much nicer than your MIL. I would imagine that a lot of your issues with your DH arise because your DH worships at the altar of Mummy who sounds like an entitled self-absorbed nightmare.

Your MIL sounds like the sort of unsympathetic 'new money' social-climber character often featured in Jilly Cooper books.

WhatAboutSecondBreakfast86 · 17/04/2026 06:34

God what a control freak! I wouldn't even go to this sounds like a night of walking on eggshells incase you put a toe out of line and ruin princess's special birthday. Jeez

Malasana · 17/04/2026 06:31

CotswoldConundrum · 16/04/2026 18:15

Not all the guests, no — it seems to be more of an expectation for immediate family.

From what I understand, a lot of people are just coming for the Saturday evening, but MIL has said she’d like “close family there for the whole thing” as it will feel more “special” (and look better in photos).

I think that’s part of what’s making me hesitate — it’s not being presented as optional in the way it seems to be for others.

Show quote history

For me, she could expect all she likes but I’d make my own decision as to whether I stayed over, what I wore and how much organising I’d choose to do.
It sounds like a crap weekend to me. I’d be declining and enjoying a weekend with my kids.

ApolloandDaphne · 17/04/2026 06:25

What a faff. I went to a remote Scottish island with my DH for my 60th. I would say it was perfect expect it wasn't as DH caught Covid and was ill the whole time we were away!

ChaToilLeam · 17/04/2026 05:51

What a birthdayzilla! It all sounds so staged (for photos?) rather than being a proper celebration.

And what's with the demand that you organise things on the day, while paying for the privilege?

I wouldn't personally go. But now it sounds like you will be going, please keep us informed when the weekend itself comes around!

SexIsNotNebulous · 17/04/2026 05:15

Bloody hell, I had a family meal for my 60th, just the seven of us, lovely place, ante & drank what we wanted, and close to home. The £700 bill I picked up.

AlwaysTheRenegade · 17/04/2026 04:42

This reminded me of my great uncle actually.
He paid for about 100 people to have a catered two course roast for his 90th at a village hall, he's a farmer so knew most local people, and is notoriously tight.
He kept saying he didn't mind because it would be the last party he'd have to pay for, (not that he'd had any others lol), and he ended up doing the same again two years ago for his 100th 😂 and still going strong!