To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

Grandparents can fund the granddaughter - but they also should understand that its parents right to decide who is getting what
well yes… but as op never seemed to work out.. her word isnt law, and she’s not the final word on what their joint dd does.

Actually it’s very common for blended families to operate more like this, rather than the ‘all in’ model that seems so popular on mumsnet.

OP’s daughter may be their family, but she isn’t their grandchild, anymore than OP as their daughter in law is their daughter. All the insisting in the world that she a grandchild will not make it true.

There’s also the added issue here that their actual eldest grandchild would likely react very badly to them ‘taking on‘ OP’s daughter, even if they were inclined to do so. They aren’t going to hurt and alienate their actual, and much loved, niece/grandchild for the sake of OP’s daughter.

Is this the poster whose daughter inherited, I think £80,000 but her older daughter didn’t . Also, this same poster was upset that her daughter wasn’t included in a “photoshoot” with the other grandchildren and whose husband won’t be getting an inheritance to avoid the op making it “equal” between her daughters.
The difficulty is , if you allow a deadbeat to impregnate you and then fall lucky to then go on to have a child with a man from a wealthier background, things are unlikely to ever be equal between the half siblings !

"Husband feels inadequate in relation to stepdaughter as he cannot afford school fees so his ex pays and is insulting to DH even though this was her idea in the first place."

Are you expecting your husband's ex to pay school fees for your child too?

He probably will!

It might be what he’s starting to realise and using today’s argument over a hobby to move on from OP and SD.

Well yes, this is probably a big part of the problem.

I guess this sums it up

It's easy to say that everyone should be treated equally when it comes to finances but I suspect the people who say this are not wealthy or are not expected to fund a stepchild's life to the tune of thousands. It's one thing to insist on equal birthday and Christmas gifts, same holidays etc and I agree that should be the case but where is the line drawn?

For example, what happens if you work hard all your life and have enough to provide a house deposit or university fees or a large windfall for your grandchildren? Would you really not give that to your grandchildren because your child married someone with a child and therefore, because you cannot afford to give your step grandchild, your grandchild loses out?

Would people, really, truly, honestly do that?

He IS treating the kids the same… BOTH of HIS biological children!!!

You made your bed here.

My two children (different dads) are treated equally because the money is OURS so as a couple we control it.

I would never have married someone who relied on his parents to fund the lifestyle of his child(ren) because it was always going to be a bone of contention. You’re completely at their mercy. They aren’t unkind but they are within their rights to favour their biological grandchildren. Your stepdaughter in particular seems to have a lot of resentment for you and your daughter, so of course they’re going to support her and try to help her with those feelings, which I assume centre around your daughter ‘stealing’ her dad. Her family are doing what they feel is necessary to redress the balance which swings towards your daughter in terms of your husband’s time and attention, by trying to make up for it in other ways.

So if you think both kids should be treated the same and the younger one shouldn’t do the expensive holiday, or go to Disney with her cousins…. What about the husbands 2 biological children? Should they not be treated both the same? Why should OPs youngest be disadvantaged and miss out on life experiences with her half sister on her dads side, in order for it to seem ‘fair’ for her half sister on her moms side?

Tell me how that’s fair?

This is essentially all OPs fault for proceeding with this marriage, knowing what the family values are, bringing another child into it and putting her older child in this position.

The best thing that OP can do now is to teach her older daughter resilience, teach her that life isn’t always fair and equal, and as a result of the family OP has built around her she needs to understand that her and her sister will forever have different opportunities, experiences and lives.

Why haven't you explained to your eldest that she won't always be able to do what your youngest and SD do and be with them every time they spend time together? It seems like you try to insert her every time they do something, even when it's going to visit your husband's mother. Your SD has reacted verbally, your MIL has reacted financially. Maybe her funding the activity is a way for them to spend time together without your eldest being there.

How old were step grandkids when they joined family?

What level of treatment are we talking about? Birthday and Christmas gifts and some sweeties? or substantial amounts worth of several grands?
Will you leave you inheritance equally to your biological DGCs and step ones?

They might not be even rich as such - Disney trip of a lifetime for ageing grandmother to treat her DC, several hundreds a year for DGCs hobby cost several grands, but we aren't necessarily talking about millions here. OP sees them as rich, but it's more likely that she's very poor herself.

DH doesn't seem to be strong willed here, he was bullied into marrying OP, can't put his foot down about girls treatment, so leaving him "a slice" of inheritance would certainly mean that some of it will end up with OP and her DC. She might even demand more for her eldest "to even things out".
It's not punishment, it's a sensible choice to protect DGCs. Who knows, he might get the same level of support as his sisters if OP follows through and divorces him.

Sorry but I’m struggling to understand what’s actually going on here. You’re posting as if we all know the backstory but I for one have no ideas about the Disney debacle or previous posts.

Is it the mother in law that is treating your stepdaughter and your youngest daughter whom you share with your DH? But refuses to treat your own daughter? Your daughter has become so upset you’ve ended the marriage?

I get that it’s really hard for your daughter to see the unfairness and to be left out of stuff. I feel for her. In an ideal world all the kids would be treated the same but the fact is that she is not related to your husband and his family and they don’t have to treat her the same.

It seems quite extreme to end the marriage over this? Is there no way you can kind of make up the deficit, as in you pay for her to also do the hobby? You don’t talk about the kids ages but can you explain the situation to her and that you get how unfair it all is and you’ll do something with her to try to make up for it but unfortunately that’s how the in laws behave.

It sounds really tough but I can’t Help but feel that ending the marriage seems a bit OTT.

But it’s not even that they are being shit or awful to the dd! They are being kind and polite, they’re just not doing exactly what the op demands and leaving her dd money in their will!

This entire situation is a mess. What came across strongly on the other thread was that you don’t like your SD. You seem angry that she isn’t delighted by the presence of your 9 year old. Whereas her reality is that her dad is living with another girl. That girl not having her father in her life may well heighten the “that’s my daddy” instinct.

If she hadn’t seen her dad in 3 weeks she was entitled to catch-up with him without your DD there without being “jumped on”.

You have a choice when it comes to your two DDs 1) you turn down all trips, hobbies etc for DD2, or 2) you don’t & explain to DD1 that they are from DD2’s grandmother. It’s far from an ideal situation but it is somewhat & possibly quite largely of your making.

OP wants these things for her eldest. She wants eldest included by her MIL like she's a bio grandchild and MIL doesn't see her that way. She wants her child included whenever her SD and her youngest do anything. MIL isn't going to pay for eldest extracurriculars and she and her husband can't afford it. SD also doesn't see eldest as family, she likely sees them as dad's wife and dad's wife's daughter.

NOw she's divorcing because her husband's family isn't paying for her eldest's way and including her like OP and her eldest want. They can't control how her husband's family feels. If OP and her husband do divorce, eldest will likely never see MIL again and possibly SD too. There are not permanent family bonds there. It seems like OP possibly thought that marriage would make that happen and has found differently.

I read your other thread and it seems that your DSD feels sad that her dad is living with another random girl, and DSD is never allowed to spend time alone with her sister without her step sister being there. Are they the same age?

I think MIL feels DSD has been pushed out (you use the quote "our nuclear family to describe DD1 & 2), that's why she's leaving her inheritance to her GC because she doesnt trust you

I understand that. However, the ILs DS could also have a ‘small’ slice of his own inheritance, he shouldn’t have to be excluded entirely. It’s seems a form of punishment not to give him anything just because he re-married. He and OP are obviously not rolling in it already as they can’t afford the expensive hobby for OPs daughter. So being left a slice to make him more comfortable would be nice and show they care for him, and hurtful otherwise.

The time to have made this declaration was BEFORE she started doing it!!

Her mum is not her only parent. Her dad has just as much say and control. And it's clear her dad's side don't want to stop paying for things youngest enjoys like hobbies.

You're not being realistic about the way this is going to pan out. They divorce, H's family continue to be the fun rich ones. Over time, who is youngest going to want to stay with? How do you explain the widening differences to eldest?

It is shit for the eldest, obviously. But this is the way things are.

There is no way OP can make them equal without taking both girls and cutting H and his family off completely. And no court in the land would deny H custody when he fights for it unless there's some horrible abuse going on OP hasn't mentioned.

I’m a granny and I treat all my grandchildren and step grandchildren the same. It’s cruel to treat them differently. But that’s just me.

Completely agree.