To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

She even knew that he didn't want to marry her. She shared as much on her other thread

No, she doesn’t. They aren’t the same.

OP’s MIL has accepted OP’s daughter as part of the family, as an in law. She hasn’t accepted her a grandchild because she isn’t one, any more than OP as her DIL is her daughter.

Nether OP’s husband nor her in laws ‘need’ to do what OP wants. She married her husband knowing that he didn’t consider her daughter his child, and that his family didn’t see her as theirs either. She also knew her stepdaughter doesn’t particularly like her daughter, and resents Op trying to shoehorn her into every occasion.

OP knew full well that she was never going to get the type of blended family she wanted from her husband and his family, yet decided to marry and have another child anyway.

Must be your city thing.
I know loads of lovely people who grew up riding horses.

Also, loads spoilt or antisocial people who've never riden one.

That's all very well but it's not reality is it.

Endless threads about how MILs are such a problem to the wife, but somehow they're expected to love said wife's children like their own?

How would he have handled it better? He already treats OP's daughter fairly. He can't force his parents to fund his SD.

We all know if OP's daughter was the privileged one, no way would she be taking away from her to match DH's poorer daughter.

Agree with this.

People are quick to say GPs should love step children the same, but it's not always possible.
People can choose how they spend their money.
OP married her DH, the In-laws had no say, so can't expect them to feel a certain way if they're not willing to.

Lots of posts on here telling OPs to leave DHs kids to him and not be "free childcare", yet when it comes to money from the other side, it's suddenly meant to be all equal.

To be fair women are not responsible for absent fathers. I don’t think it’s up to MIL to step in & act as if she were the paternal grandmother, but neither do I think the Op is responsible for, not only her DD1’s father but his family choosing not to be a part of DD1s life.

Because I've had a brain injury, and sometimes it helps me navigate my own thoughts. I was actually meant to delete that part before I posted. Unfortunately, having a brain injury means, my brain doesn't function the same as most other people and my memory is poor.

Your mil hasn't accepted you or your daughter as part of 'her' family which is sad. You should have become family when you married her son. Both of you. The fact you didn't and your DH isn't insisting she treats both of you as such is insulting. She doesn't have to pay for anything but she does need to treat them the same.

And not expect partner No 2's family to compensate for her poor choices in partner No 1.

The differences are still going to be there in your elder daughter's life, regardless if you divorce or not. I'd assume that your younger daughter would still live with your OP, if you divorced? Your youngest is still going to share with you and your eldest all the things she does whilst with her Dad? Would you be expecting your husband to have contact time with your eldest, and take her with your youngest too?

In an ideal world your in-laws would treat your eldest daughter as their granddaughter but that's not reality. It's not your in-laws fault that your elder daughter's Dad and family aren't in her life.... that's just circumstances.

Those differences would have been obvious before you married your husband and before you both decided to have a child together.

How old is your eldest daughter? I'm guessing old enough to have an honest conversation with her? You need to prepare her for these differences. Your in-laws may help your younger through university/pay a deposit on a property and eventually she may inherit from her grandparents etc. You can't hid these realities from your eldest daughter. Of course, it's not fair on your eldest, but it's equally not your youngest daughter's fault either. She shouldn't be disadvantaged, to save your eldest from being hurt.

You would be far better to help your daughter navigate these differences, which will still exist regardless if you divorce or not.

All the ops madness and that’s what you identify as lunacy?

God what a horrible situation to put a child in. I don’t understand why some people have to have children with every potential partner who comes along. Selfish and irresponsible. Now you’ve created this situation you need to take some responsibility for managing it and parenting effectively to offset the potential damage as others have said.

This is all such solid insight, and I was also the eldest daughter in a similar ‘blended’ family set up.

OP you have not managed this well. I grew up knowing there were differences in how I was raised, it was never news because it was normal. My half sibling met cousins, aunts,, uncles, went to events etc without me, because they were her family. I see them rarely now as an adult, she sees them all the time. It’s completely normal.

As said above, why were you at home twiddling your thumbs? Why not take that opportunity to spend 1 on 1 time with your daughter, which I’m sure must be a rare opportunity, and do something lovely? Why make such a big deal out of it?

If your youngest is off to horse riding or whatever every week, set that day for a regular activity with your eldest? A walk in the park, a swim in the local pool, 9 holes of golf, hyrox, baking, movie night, whatever!

I really fear that you’re the biggest problem in this situation. You’re unable to effectively parent and support the child you put in this situation.

There’s no way of equalizing things. The circumstances of her daughters were never going to be equal, and it isn’t within OP’s power to change that.

It’s not the fault of her in laws, or her youngest daughter, that her eldest daughter doesn’t have a wealthy and/or engaged paternal family. It’s not their responsibility to compensate her for that. Her husband isn’t going to deny his child a relationship with his family, or the same opportunities as her sister, because OP’s daughter cannot have the same. Leaving her husband won’t change the fact that only one of her daughters has an engaged paternal family that will financially provide for her.

I was also slack jawed at the fact that the husband hadn’t wanted to get married, but that Op was pregnant and so Op insisted on it. I mean, yes get married first and get the legal protection (wish I had), but alongside everything else it feels… off. It also feels like there are some fundamental incompatibilities around values and approach to blending the families, which should absolutely have been resolved prior to deciding to have a child together.

I think the expectation that everything should be equal in a blended family is settling yourselves up for disaster.

I was the eldest daughter in this scenario and I always understood that my siblings family and my family were not exactly the same. My siblings would often spend time with their grandparents without me because… they weren’t my grandparents!

Its up to you to set the tone of these interactions for your daughter’s understanding and benefit. If you jump up and down at things not being equal you are only reinforcing that for her.

I laughed at your “twiddling our thumbs” comment. Are you unable to plan something for just the two of you? I would have taken the opportunity to take your eldest out for a hot chocolate and some one on one time together. But you made an issue out of it and sat at home and sulked.

I’d definitely get a second job to fund these luxuries for her.

This doesn't seem to be OP's mindset at all. Read her Disney thread:

Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo | Mumsnet

"Those saying I could take eldest somewhere for a trip. Last month I was overdrawn and husband had £42 left, which he gave me to go for dinner with my friend. We do have savings but in long term accounts."

She seems to be happy to take the last £42 to go for dinner with her friend. This is all so dysfunctional.

I think OP's marriage is failing. It's been 5 years, she hasn't gotten the financial support from his family for her eldest that she wanted, and there's escalating behaviour from her eldest and other step issues. Maybe the divorce is a last ditch attempt to get him to pressure his family into financial assistance for her eldest, but he's already been bypassed and left out of gifted monies. They're playing hardball and it sounds like they won't miss her. She'll be the bigger loser because right now, she has a husband who treats her eldest well. If she divorces, her eldest will lose that connection. Like I said, eldest will not be happy when her younger sister goes to Dad's for custody time if she is having meltdowns over her sister just doing an activity.

This. You chose your situation and it doesn’t mean that everyone else needs to just accept it like how you want it.
your eldest isn’t her GC- so why should she pay for extras like this??

Why is that lunacy?

I am not sure what prompted you to post such lunacy, @PoppinjayPolly but you’ve shown that you have no understanding of the nature of the situation

And if the DHs other daughter gets to do horse riding (as an example, we don’t know) it’s a no for her younger half sister, unless her 10 yr old half sister gets to go to? Why is everything having to balance in OPs eldest’s favour?

This is such a complete drama, of the OPs own making, and both of her children are caught in the middle because she entered into this marriage not preparing for and properly nurturing the fractured relations a ‘blended’ family brings. There’s always going to be issues with blended families, they rarely work (and I say this as a child of one, with a child in one, and knowing a lot of families who have chosen to go down this route.)

Your husband has a daughter from a previous relationship, you have a daughter from a previous relationship and a joint daughter. Your in-laws are paying for extra activities for your step-daughter and your youngest daughter but not your eldest daughter.

@Sassylovesbooks Why are you telling the OP what she's just told us?

Why is it cruel?