To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

"those children automatically become part of your family too - whether you like it or not."

That's clearly not the case in all blended families, otherwise such threads wouldn't exist.

What you'd do is irrelevant as that's not what OP's in-laws are doing or seemingly intend to.

Fantasy land is all children being loved and protected by all adults, but that's not relality.

Poor daughter's own biological father cant be bothered, yet you expect a non-relation to step up more?

GPs can't be forced to love or fund anyone.

I haven't said SD shouldn't be catered for by GPs.

Why don’t you just pay for your eldest child to do the activity. None of them need to know who’s paying for what.

I’m not sure it’s her call anymore. Her husband sounds like he’s well and truly had enough himself.

I don’t think MiL has an obligation to pay or even include my elder daughter
How is any of that true when you say what sparked your demand for divorce to be Latest spat has come about because of an extracurricular paid for by MiL. am assuming the horse riding?

What's going to happen going forward, though? You'll have other relationships, presumably? With other men, who will probably have kids and other family members? Only this time you'll be doing it with not one but two kids who are not his and not related to his family? (And in the meantime, your younger daughter will still have a father and extended family who care about her, and your older daughter will not. Which is shitty for her, but cannot change unless her father changes). This stuff will happen again. The only thing to do is to accept that when you have children with more than one person, this stuff will happen. You'd have been entirely justified in saying "no, my 5yo doesn't go abroad without me". But the rest is not really going to change.

Then why isn't OP's mom offering stuff for her daughter's stepdaughter? Is she leaving her money in her will?

No. She isn't paying money or even part for her bio granddaughters to do this activity that's caused so much conflict, much less paying for her daughter's SD's activities.

You're cutting off your nose to spite your face OP. Whilst divorce will mean your eldest doesn't have to see your in-laws, you've said yourself they treat her well so she's not actively being mistreated around them.

The inequality comes in terms of the hobbies and activities they fund for your youngest. That's not going to change when you're divorced. In fact, they're likely to spoil your youngest even more when she's staying with her dad, now that they don't have another child whose emotions they have to be mindful of.

And then, when your youngest is back home, your eldest will still hear of all the things she's been given or treated to.

In essence: you'll:

• have less time with your youngest
• deprive your eldest of what you've said is a good stepfather figure in your husband
• won't mitigate the financial inequality
• have to manage your household and 2 daughters on one income

I think you should seriously reconsider divorce.

If Op had actually accepted what she claimed she had before she decided to marry this man and have another child with him, then they wouldn’t be divorcing.

No one has said OP’s daughter isn’t part of their family. She is, as a in-law. She’s not a grandchild or niece and never will be, whether you like it or not.

You still haven't actually said why you are intent in splitting up your family?

The 3 children and your DH... have done absolutely nothing wrong. You have just decided to further break the family apart even though the events with MIL will now continue. It doesn't make any sense.

Is there something else going on in your marriage?

The situation is as it is and the only way forward is for all three girls to be treated exactly the same.

The 3 girls are part of a larger extended family but split off into various groupings because they don't share all the same parents. They have different parental and relative permutations so you can't impose on unrelated people that they treat all 3 the same.

If OP goes through and divorces her husband, her husband as a bio and legal parent, is entitled to custody time with the youngest they share. His mother and relatives and oldest daughter likely won't see OP's oldest as there's already been some noise and pushback that she is always there when they'd like to spend time with the youngest. It appears that they really don't care about seeing her and OP isn't replacing that time with doing something with her eldest herself. They twiddle their thumbs, according to her. OP doesn't do the work to occupy her eldest with other things and other people. SD isn't there to entertain or watch OP's eldest, she's there to spend time with her little sister and her dad. OP's going to have to figure out something to occupy eldest with during youngest's paternal custody time.

If the PIL treated all the children the same it is far less likely that there would be a divorce! I really can't imagine how adults can be so selfish and nasty when children are involved. It's something that would never have happened in my family. If your child married someone with children, those children automatically become part of your family too - whether you like it or not.

How are you going to achieve that? Does that mean trying to force step grandmother to pay, or does it involve refusing anything for all of them? Because the oldest is still going to have more than the others, isn't she?

It obviously can’t be the only way forward if MIL isn’t prepared to do it and husband wants his two girls treated the same.

OP said it herself she doesn’t feel the same way about SD as she does her two children. She says she would treat them the same practically but that’s arguably easy to say in her position when SD is living elsewhere mainly supported by her own mother. Not much is being asked of the OP when it comes to SD.

Given that this is the situation which now exists I think it’s probably best if the youngest one misses out or you fine a way to keep DD1 happy with something else or a distraction.

And if you say your were ok when ILs made it clear pre marriage that they don’t see DD1 as family be ok with it. Thats the decision you made so you can’t now start giving out about birthday presents etc.

I think I would want to make sure that any significant family money stays within the family if I were MIL. I think I’d make more of an effort otherwise but she doesn’t seem likely to change her approach so you have to accept it.

It’s all very relevant. OP’s daughter isn’t their grandchild/niece, and their actual grandchild/niece has no interest in considering her a sister, either. Hell, while her stepfather treats her kindly he doesn’t consider her his daughter, either. Because she isn’t.

”the only way forward is for all three girls to be treated exactly the same.”

Evidently not, because that’s not going to happen. They may belong to the same family, but they are not the same.

To be fair to MIL SD existed before OP met her DH. What MIL does for SD shouldn’t be dictated by a the presence of step child from a subsequent relationship. Also SD has a well off mother, or at least well enough off to pay school fees.

The shared child complicates things because DH wants his youngest to have them same lifestyle as his eldest.

Whatever the case between the two girls on the same household the SD shouldn’t be compared. Think of it from her mother’s point of view. She seems to have primary custody & is solely paying for education. She’s clearly not happy with DH’s contribution so why should she on top of that not be able to take financial help from SD’s grandmother.

I suspect both MIL and soon-to-be-ex are breathing sighs of relief, now that OP wants a divorce.

YOU are the greedy and grabby one, not them. What are YOU doing to facilitate YOUR daughter's hobbies? Don't earn enough? Therefore, MIL should pay for an unrelated child? How about you get a better job then? Where are your parents - child's actual grandparents? Why aren't they paying? Also no money? Where is the child's bio father? Also, no money/awol? But MIL should pay, sure.

And now two other girls can't have their hobbies, because you don't earn enough to pay for your own kid. They'll resent you badly for this.

Anyone who thinks they can dictate how others spend their money is who needs their head shaking.

The person complaining about the set-up is OP, the person who created the set-up is OP.
Common denominator is where the buck stops.

"the only way forward is for all three girls to be treated exactly the same."

Not going to happen.

Which is something OP knew when she entered into the relationship, got married and decided to have another child.

How do you think she can force her In-laws to treat her daughter the same?

If she divorces, are they to continue treating the daughter the same as she would now be accustomed to it?

@Thebigarsedbitch The situation is as it is and the only way forward is for all three girls to be treated exactly the same.

But this is just not reality. You have three separate children, all with a their own circumstances.
DD1 has no paternal family involvement, strong maternal family, stepfather who treats her well, step grandparents who are kind but essentially indifferent to her presence (and whose biggest crime towards her seems to be not being willing to open their wallet)
SD has strong mother connection (assuming maternal family but no mention), has a father but doesn’t seem to spend much time with him (doesn’t stay over much, doesn’t appear to be much 1:1 time), resents stepmother and stepsister, strong connection with paternal grandparents who also pay for things for her.
DD2 - lives in nuclear family household, has mother, father and both her maternal and paternal grandparents (paternal pay for things for her)

They are not in the same situation, they will never be in the same situation, so treating them exactly the same is a) not possible and b) disingenuous.

I wonder whether the paternal family knew of the reluctance of DH to marry OP and thus didn’t see the marriage working long term. Many posters are slamming the in laws for not treating DD1 like a grandchild and the reality is, if OP does divorce, the in laws will never (or very very rarely) see DD1 again. I don’t blame them for not emotionally investing in a relationship that they ultimately have no say in. They treated her kindly, that was enough.

This, and riding is such a niche activity, the younger dd seems to have experience of it from her dads side of family and her cousins.. @GeorgeClarkefan how much riding has you dd done? Lots that’s how you know she’ll love it? Or is it still anything youngest gets, elder must?

The children had no choice as to who their parents or grandparents are or what they can or can't afford though - that's the point. And frankly, anyone who can't imagine how wicked it is to treat children in the same family differently, needs a damn good shaking. It's totally irrelevant what OP, DH, MIL did or didn't do. The situation is as it is and the only way forward is for all three girls to be treated exactly the same.

That was the parent's job and OP entered into the marriage of her own doing.

Fully functioning adults are able to choose how they spend on their grandkids, as they have done.

Not everyone is going to treat the kids the same, even outside of family. The sooner OP teaches her DD that, the better.

It's not on anyone else to provide for her DD or deny others opportunities just because OP can't match it.

They aren't expected to love them - although it's so much better if they can - but as a fully functioning adult they should be able to recognize the issues that will arise if the children are treated differently and act accordingly. In this instance either all three girls are are allowed to access the expensive hobby or none of them are. MIL may not like it but she has to accept it. Being a MIL doesn't give you carte Blanche to do what you want and childrens' feelings should always be prioritized over those of adults.