To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

To be honest, the fact that you are so easily prepared to walk away from the marriage and take your child who you admit your husband has treated as his own away to never see him again, is precisely why your eldest is not seen as part of the family by your MIL. You’ve just proven her point!

OP as I understand it, you didn't particularly want to marry your husband. Your mother made you insist on marriage. His parents were worried that his daughter your step daughter would be written out of your lives.Your husband rightly wants his first born daughter to be an active part of his life and family.
You are angry that your MIL pays for a hobby for your step daughter and now pays for your younger daughter. You write that your MIL isny wealthy but prioritises her granddaughters. Your mother is highly critical of your in laws but does not want to pay for your eldest to do the hobby as well.
You are very enmeshed in your mother's views and attitudes and she has expressed fury at the MIL paying for things for her grandchildren. Why doesn't your mother step up and do more for her eldest granddaughter. She can give her time if not money.

I posted earlier on this and I said I found it sad as a grandmother, and I still do.
i do think however blended families do need to be explained to children. I used the example in my earlier post of my husband’s brother marrying a woman who had a small child at the time of meeting, they went onto have 3 of their own, and that the little girl was involved all things from our side of the family…although granted I’m not sure my ILs would have paid for activities for her, although they doted on her, like all the grandchildren. But the little girls paternal side was very involved with her, so maybe that’s different.

the point I’m coming to, is the other 3 subsequent children all knew that …let’s call her Sarah….that Sarah sometimes went to her dads. That sometimes she’d be taken away with her dad and they weren’t going, because that’s “Sarah’s dad”. That every Christmas Sarah “won’t be here one of the days because she’s going to her dad’s house”. Or “Sarah’s dad is picking her up today from school but grandma spike is picking you up and usual “.And so on.

I think you could apply the same logic here. “X is going to dance today with grandma fluff because that’s her grandma. Sure we share her, how lovely…aren’t we lucky , but sometimes grandma fluff takes X out. That’s ok, we can do Y instead! How exciting!!!”

children pick up on adult cues. If you’re sad and unhappy about it she will be. If you’re excited and upbeat for a “that’s amazing, X will have a great day and you and I will have a super day doing Z!!! I can’t wait!!!”.

I know you’re disappointed that they have don’t have the same equal opportunities, but blended families are complicated. I’m sure you’ve even said that the mil doesn’t even have that much money, maybe it’s just not possible to extend that to your elder DD. As long as your mil is including her in family occasions, birthday, Easter, Christmas, family dinners…giving her presents, Easter eggs etc…then really she’s not doing much wrong. You’re breaking your marriage (and your own heart) over something that could be solved if you just changed your mindset about it.

really your disappointment and sadness should be at your DDs paternal side of the family. They should be stepping up for her. I know they’re not and I know that’s sad…but really your anger should lay there (if they’re not deceased ).

But the horse riding is with youngests aunt, cousin and half sister? Organised and facilitated by the aunt, do they get a say in the switching of ops eldest dd to attend? Why doesn’t ops mum pay for the eldest to attend?

If the extra curricular is for example horse riding could the girls share it i.e one week the eldest go, the next the youngest, if MIL doesn't like or withdraw it's too bad. You can explain to her that girls need to be treated the same as otherwise it's damaging for their relationship.
Of course she's entitled to leave money only for your youngest in her will, there's nothing you can do about that.

But your elder daughter also gets the exact same treatment in terms of Christmas etc from your MIL as your SD gets from your mother.

The only different treatment is in terms of big family trips and extra curricular activities paid for by MIL.

You say you are not in a position to turn things down but in other comments you've clearly expressed you don't want to turn them down so don't now try to turn it on your DH.

The simplest solution all round is that you turn down some of the gifts and find thr money for some for your elder daughter, or plan something else with your eldest (they dont need to always have the exact same things). But instead you have chosen to incite divorce and probably cause more hurt by dividing up the family again.

Many people have suggested this but the issue is OP wants the handout. She refuses to turn it down. So I just cant see how the MIL or DH are at fault anymore.

Well you’re making things as clear to the MIL as you’re making on this thread, which is zero!

When you are muddled and vague it gives more forceful people a way in. Assert yourselves. ‘We can’t take that handout because it means one of our children is disadvantaged’, ‘thank you for the offer, but on consideration….’ Etc etc

But OP's eldest daughter will no longer be exposed to OP's in-laws treating her differently, or having to live with a father figure who treats her differently. I know the youngest daughter would still get stuff that the eldest doesn't, but the eldest wouldn't have to see/live with the people who are excluding her. I bet it would be a huge relief for her never to have to see the MIL or stepdad again.

And OP's husband does treat her differently, because he has not stopped his family from being mean to her. His daughter from the previous relationship (OP's stepdaughter) felt free to tell eldest daughter to go away when she sat down in her own home to watch a movie with them. MIL feels free to express that she can't act normally around her grandchildren with OP's eldest daughter there. (WTAF?? I don't think I've ever heard of anything so spiteful, and I've heard a lot of things.) And then we have the Disney thing and this hobby thing, with no effort from the adults to even things out, which OP's husband should have done.

From what OP has described, her eldest daughter is one hundred percent the Cinderella in this set-up, and it must be very damaging for her.

If I was OP, I'd have a huge urge to gather up my eldest and go off and have a nice life together. (Obviously with the youngest too, when OP has custody.)

I don't think I could get past the meanness and the utter disrespect shown to OP and her eldest. And her husband sounds completely wet, saying he didn't want to get married but then got married. Why didn't he stick to his guns, if that's how he felt? Why am I not shocked that the same man is too weak to insist that his stepdaughter is treated better?

OP's eldest daughter may not be a granddaughter of MIL, but she and MIL are connected via OP's youngest daughter, who carries both MIL's and the eldest's DNA. Put another way, OP's eldest is half-sister to MIL's granddaughter, so the eldest does matter in a familial sense. She's part of the tree, same as MIL.

I cannot believe that MIL took NINE children to Disneyland and yet there were no funds to include OP's eldest.

I think you're best off away from this family, OP, I really do.

I have no respect for people who are all MY BLOOD MY DNA ME ME ME because they often cannot see the value of others. And who do they think they are, anyway? Superman? Wonder Woman? What's so special about their DNA? 😡

Can we please retire the phrase "broken home"? It's such a Boomer expression. There are many children living with two married parents whose homes are broken due to Daddy dearest abusing their mum, or where they live with two parents who can't stand each other. Or who exist in a loveless truce. I'd say those homes are much more broken than ones where children are no longer living with that toxicity.

Now that we know so much more about abuse and its effects, including emotional abuse and silent treatments, we know that everyone is better off out of those homes. That's why "broken home" is an inappropriate phrase today. And such language is part of the stigma of divorce that kept - and still keeps - women and children trapped in bad situations.

(Divorce is still stigmatised. Just check out all the clueless posts on MN saying how breezily, with no proof, that people just give up too easily these days. When, in fact, most people's marriages are vitally important to them, and they tried like they were climbing Everest, and stayed way, way too long.)

In most cases, I'd call a home where a child lives with their mother post-divorce a fixed home.

These threads come up so often and they always make me feel so sad.

To my mind, a stepchild should be part of the family and treated the same way, especially when their bio dad isn’t involved.

Once you’re a committed couple - eg/married or with a joint child - then a young stepchild should be treated in the same way that an adopted child would be. And for any decent person, that means part of the family. Neither an adopted child or a stepchild is blood - which is the excuse I often see trotted out on here for exclusion. There’s absolutely no reason that both can’t be welcomed and on a day-to-day basis treated like other blood-related children.

I’ve been the child in this scenario, the step-parent, and also the bio parent so I’ve experienced this from all angles. My views gave never changed. It’s a shit move excluding a child that’s part of the family just because “they’re not blood”.

In your case OP I think there’s a lot that’s being said behind closed doors as your STBX’s DD has no interest in seeing her step-sibling, only her half-sibling. Things are being said, I would suspect, that means this was never going to be a harmonious situation. What a shame for you all.

But the dh would have to agree with not going forward with the divorce and don’t think that would happen?
It just seems so sad that in wanting to prove to her eldest how important she is, the youngest gets chucked under a bus

OP so you think that divorcing your DH your DDs will be treated equally but there still will be a lot of inequality as your younger one will still be treated by her GM and your eldest one won't, so it won't change anything for the girls only upset at the home breakup.
I would reconsider your divorce if it's only due to the girls being treated differently, surely you can tell your DH how this is making you and your DD feel and find a solution.

Yes, but but he was completely insulted by something she said to him and told her he stuck by her even when it got him basically disinherited. So yeah, he's holding her to the D.

My marriage is over. Husband feels completely insulted and told me there is no going back from what I said.
He says that he has been disadvantaged in relation to inheritance etc because he has a stepchild and not once asked to divorce but I now have, over a hobby.

Well the in-laws are doing just that, and OP's DH is happy to accept it.

He has a say on how his parents treat his children too. What the GPs wants is very much relevant as they are family to DH and two kids.

OP and DH were unequally yoked from the get go, she chose to go ahead still.

You seem to think the GPs are the problem, they're not.

What happens if the other two marry into wealth when older, will OP expcet them to subsidise their half/step sister?

There comes a time when one has to hold their hands up and take accountability.

In this case, OP.

Her DH hasn't felt the need to spell it out to them, but to end the relationship with OP.

This is on you for a) having your first child with a deadbeat, b) marrying into a family which didn't care about you or your child because only blood relatives matter to them, and c) providing said family with another blood relative to spoil while continuing to disregard you and your eldest child.

Why did DH's first marriage break up? Did his ex get sick of being excluded by her in-laws as well?

I do agree that divorce will even things out a bit as your youngest will now also come from a broken home, even if she doesn't have to deal with the same level of rejection as her sister. Though who knows, when daddy remarries she'll probably have a whole new world of crap to deal with.

Honestly op. I understand you're frustrated but I don't think separating is going to solve your issue. Your oldest daughter will still have less things than her baby sister. It sounds like your stbex will want very decent access as well so all that will really achieve is less time with her baby sister .
If it was me i would explain that her younger sister was lucky enough to have a rich granny and she didn't and she would probably get treats that the ops daughter wouldn't get. I would try and compensate where I could by doing lovely things with my daughter when her sister was doing these expensive hobbies etc .

regardless of who lives where , your youngest daughter will advantages over your oldest .

I believe it was OP who told her DH she wanted a divorce hence why he has moved out.

There's not a communal pot of money for OP to use for her eldest. It's MIL's money, and no one else's. She decides where it goes. I would imagine she feels if OP and her eldest have a problem with how she spends her money, that's their problem.

OP is divorcing because her eldest can't deal with youngest having an experience gift that she doesn't get and is make ng OP's life miserable. Whatever OP said to her husband, it sounds like he's running with the idea of divorce now. He's out of their home. OP has now lost a decent father figure for her oldest that treated her better than her bio paternal family. She's losing her sister in the home all the time.

Will the youngest be allowed to talk about what she does at Dad's without her sister getting distraught? Will OP take her to activities on her custody time if her eldest isn't going or invited? If eldest makes the home miserable, what if youngest wants to spend more time at her dad's, especially as she gets older? Those teen years are coming.

It’s their money, so they can very much expect to confine their largesse to biological family.

What they want is not irrelevant when OP’s husband is in agreement with them, and has repeatedly spelled that out to OP.

But DH and the OP don't want that... they still want the 2 girls funded. So the grandparents literally cannot win unless they start funding a non-biological grandchild.

And neither should inlaws expect to confine their largesse to their 'blood' granddaughters when it will drive a wedge through the family. What they want is irrelevant and if they don't have the wit to see what's wrong, DH needs to spell it out to them.

You're still not making much sense and based on what I've read yes you're cutting off your nose to spite your face

You claim you need to leave for your older daughter now you will no longer see your younger daughter 100% how is that fair on her?

And now your older daughter no longer has a father DH who treats her equally at home and her own real father is still not in her life so how is this the right approach?

You claim you don't think you MIL has any obligation to pay for your elder daughter yet you're upset that she isn't paying for pony lessons for your elder daughter as well.....

"I don’t think MiL has an obligation to pay or even include my elder daughter. Obviously when she sees her I expect her to respect her and be kind and give her ice cream and the usual gubbins which she does"

So what exactly are you trying to accomplish?