To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

@GeorgeClarkefan stepdaughter only wants to see her dad and half sibling, ex wife is insulting him because she is paying for her DD’s schooling. DH is not going to get inheritance because he has a stepdaughter. This is his mother who is targeting her step grandchild and son for daring to marry OP with a child of her own! This is a very divided family on husband’s side so I’m not surprised OP wants to separate from them. It’s toxic

Nope no requirement for all step parents in anyway - rather mindblowing that you would extrapolate that from my post. It was a reply to one individual in relation to HER individual circumstances. But nuance is a bit lost on this site these days.

It was merely a suggestion based on the fact that OP mentioned DD1s father/family are not involved and that DH claims to treat (love) DD1 as much as his own and has walked out do to being offended at the suggestion he doesn’t that - perhaps - this may be a solution. It solidifies publically that he loves DD1 as his own, ensures she is legally recognised as such, and puts paid to MiL shenanigans.

I agree with this. All three girls will have two sets of grandparents. Surely if one of them has grandparents that aren’t paying for something for them then it’s for their own parents to pay if they want them to attend, not an unconnected set of grandparents to be paying for them.

Do your parents pay for anything on the same scale for their step-granddaughter?

So because a step child lives part time with her mother, it's ok for them to be treated worse than the other children in their father's home. Seriously?

But we are told they don't have anything to do with her and that really is the issue. If her father and grandparents paid for a similar hobby then all would be fine. So the step grandmother is expected to cough up because the biological family won't.

Last year we went on a big expensive holiday for one of my parents' big birthdays which they paid for. My step child was absolutely included in that because she is part of my family and my family is their family. She has received the same number of presents and invitations to meals and holidays and days out, they have watched her sports and shows, and taken an interest in her exams and work. I cannot imagine them acting any differently and I'm sorry that your eldest daughter is not experiencing the same bonus family that my stepdaughter has.

As others have said, divorce or separation won't actually make any difference to the experience of the three girls in terms of the amount of money, energy or care given by your MIL.

At the start of your post I thought maybe the eldest had missed out because she's much older so just hasn't had the same opportunities as the younger two but the more I read, the more this sounded like a modern retelling of Cinderella.

Why is your mum cross? At you? At the MIL?

Only that DHs 1st daughter doesn’t live with them. If she did I’d expect OPs family to treat her exactly the same as the other two.

So no, not very different at all.

What a good idea @CautiousLurker2
If a couple marry and become a blended family. The other parent has to adopt their step children and be required by law to treat them equally.
Can you imagine the outcry from step mums on here? :)

With kids, it’s simple, either buy for all or don’t buy at all.

Birthdays are different. No one expects a present for someone else’s birthday. So limit expensive gifts (including paying for hobbies) as a birthday gift.

I see it as the OP throwing a strop demanding her child who is not the biological relation of her in laws and her husband, gets treated exactly the same.
I do wonder the reaction from some posters if it was her parents who were funding the eldest and the youngest . Very different I suspect.

Just a thought, given you say that your DH treats DD1 the same and DD1’s father/family have no contact - could he not simply adopt her? Then IL’s would have to acknowledge her as his daughter and the place DD1 holds in his esteem?

I only suggest this as I was the eldest, like DD1 (with no contact from my bio dad and was even known at school by my step dad’s surname) but my step father never got around to formally adopting me. Years later it has made me feel (or realise) I really was never as much loved as my half sisters. If your DH truly feels she is the same as his two other daughters he should put his money where his mouth is as make her legally hers. Then MiL cannot treat them differently without being an overtly evil old bat?

I'm wondering what would be said if the oldest's father and grandparents bought her expensive things? Would they be expected to buy for the other 2 girls?

Perhaps there should be a law. When a couple remarry, both the husband and wife have to treat each others children as their own. So many threads on here where the wife demands her children are treated as the primary family and the husband's children as occasional weekenders.

It might not be like that.

MIL may have treated ‘joint child’ over the Easter holidays to the activity. Child loved it. MIL loved that she loved it and offered to pay for her to continue. That’s it! SGD didn’t even cross her mind in this and MIL has no idea of the ructions it is causing at home for OP and SGD. So isn’t meaning to control anything.

OP is understandably upset. DH has to realise they are a 4. They provide equally for both children, anything else coming their children’s way is a bonus. But nothing should negatively impact their family of 4.

This expensive hobby is impacting their family unit as it isn’t fair for both kids. Therefore, it should be gracefully declined until it is a hobby OP and DH can afford for both. There is nothing wrong with declining the offer, for now, until their finances improve. DD2 can be told it’s on hold until they can afford for xyz to go too. It shows both girls they will always be treated equally and that will mean a great deal more to them (in long run) than doing an expensive hobby.

SD is irrelevant in this situation as she doesn’t live with them.

👏👏👏

Stepmothers are always told they should never got involved in doing anything for their stepchildren, how stepchildren have 2 parents who are responsible for funding, providing and disciplining them but suddenly because it's a woman's child, the man's parents must fund her daughter's lifestyle?

How can people not see the hypocrisy here? Of course, all the children must be treated equally emotionally but financially, it is impossible for things to be equal when the children's grandparents come from different levels of wealth.

Can you imagine if a woman's parents wanted to give her children something and couldn't because of the woman's stepchild? I think I remember a thread where a poster's mother wanted to take her and her grandkids to Disneyland Paris but wouldn't pay for her step grandkids and the overwhelming majority agreed that she should go and enjoy herself and that it wasn't her mother's job to fund her stepkids.

Poor kids. Why wasn't a fair position and protocol agreed and established prior to the marriage.

@GeorgeClarkefan why is your own mother so angry with you?

No one comes off well in this story!
MIL - controlling via financial levers (inheritance)
DH - wet, grabby and unable to take responsibility
OP - unrealistic and slightly grabby that non blood relatives would offer to fund hobbies/lifestyle
I feel sorry for all the kids involved, splitting up is the right thing to do IMO as at least eldest is spared feeling like she’s bottom of the heap 50% of the time!

While I agree it's a crap thing to do... perhaps the grandparents don't have the financial means to pay for both of the OPs daughters.

I think it could easily be resolved by saying "Hey we can't afford it this term, but if you could pay next term we will save the extra fee and all the girls can attend" or just "Thabks but we can't afford it right now so the girls will have to miss out this time"

I really think it's not marriage ending... just a communication issue.

If your mother is so angry OP why can't she contribute so her granddaughter isn't upset.

Your DH's mother doesn't have to treat your eldest the same. She is no relation to DH's mother, why should she? Does your mother treat your DH's daughter who is no relation to her the same as the your eldest and youngest?

Your MIL feels she can't act normally if your daughter is there???? That's just another way of saying "I don't want this child around." How absolutely AWFUL!

Is there ANY way you could fund the hobby for your daughter? More work? Sell something?

OP isn’t planning on living with DD2, just DD1 if she divorces.

Im not sure what divorcing will achieve? Your youngest daughter will still be treated differently to your eldest daughter because of her Dad and Grandparents? Her Dad and biological Grandparents will still pay for her do hobbies and activities that your eldest won’t be able to do, and you describe your husband as a lovely man who himself treats your daughter the same, it’s your In Laws who don’t?
In an ideal world yes all children would be treated the same, in your shoes I wouldn’t have allowed to the younger one to an expensive hobby that your eldest would love to do if you can’t afford for her to do so too.

I'm still confused about what has been said and why OPs mother is so angry.

Could you and DH afford to pay for your eldest?