To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

The youngest will spend considerably less time in this toxic set up, the eldest girl will be removed from the horrible situation she is in now and the OP will hopefully be able to trat her daughters the same and allow them to bond properly.

I would not have "chat" with the eldest daughter to explain she is a pauper compared to her younger sister and should know her place. Instead, I would pour all my energy into making sure two sisters grow up loving and caring about each other. This is an incredibly unhealthy situation that could damage both girls and their relationship forever.

Not exactly the same but …
my DS had very wealthy grandparents on his dads side of the family and my parents were also reasonably well of as well
He was also the only grandchild on his dads side and his dad was also quite wealthy

when I met DH he had 2 boys similar age to my son

we / I decided that we wouldn’t have children together as it wouldn’t be fair that my 1st son would inherit a lot of money & property
( which he has already with more to come )

and any child we had wouldn’t get as much as his brother did from his paternal grandparents

I know it sounds cold and cynical thinking like this but I didn’t, even many years ago want to be in the position the OP is in now

So my son inheriting and his step brothers not inheriting anything wasn’t an issue as we had no joint child to complicate things

my parents rarely saw my stepsons
they would take my son on holiday with them
but not his step brothers as they didn’t really know them which was fair enough but they always gave them birthday and Christmas cards each year and would invite them to family meals

my son had private schooling paid for by his paternal grandparents

I can imagine it would have been a lot harder if we had a shared child who wasn’t getting expensive holidays and stuff like his brother and grandparents or my son went to visit his grandparents abroad and his half brother wasn’t invited
( not that they would have done this as they were genuinely lovey people) but it wouldn’t have extended to paying for private schools , house deposits and inheritance for a child they aren’t related to which is what my son had from his dads side of the family

OP should have thought about this before getting married and having more kids

The joint child is what complicates this

and the grandparents are perfectly within there rights to not want to pay for other children

Stepmothers - no, its not their job; but its definitely the job of a parent to make sure their child is not ending up being a Cinderella in this fairy-tale blended family. So OP should have made sure her child is not underprivileged in this situation. I would not have another child with a man who treats my existing kid less than.

Another issue is that eldest girl lives at home and is literally left out of all the activities (along with her mother, it seems). She does not seem to have "two parents" or anyone at all and is basically treated like a second class child.

If it was the other way round and OP was a man it would still be a shit situation. Husband's family are deliberately cruel, and clearly dislike the OP and her daughter. In this situation, I would leave, too.

While I understand your reasoning (and if the marriage is over then it's over), I don't think the separation is actually going to improve anything as regards the disparity.

Your SD is still, obviously, going to be paid for by her father and his family, and so is your youngest. The hobbies won't cease. Your eldest is still going to be the odd one out. Your youngest is always going to have advantages she doesn't, by dint of having present and apparently well-off family on her father's side.

It will carry on throughout their entire lives - school, university fees, house deposits or help with rent, inheritance....

I don't recall if you said how old your eldest is, but it may be best to have some age-appropriate chats with her about how everyone's circumstances are different, and trying to redirect her to activities you can afford. Otherwise, she'll resent her younger sister for life.

The poster's mother was the one pushing for marriage, if it's that poster. The husband did not want to marry, the poster was meh, but the mother said them not being married would make the youngest feel lesser than the other kids. OP might want to ignore her mother, she hadn't steered her too well.

I think OP is actually doing the right thing to divorce here. Her eldest feels entitled to things she will never get from her stepfather's relatives. She'll resent everybody. Now the youngest can do things with her dad's relatives that eldest isn't included in and do activities without worrying about the home atmosphere and eldest being upset. OP's husband is becoming resentful that he's missing out on money and inheiritance because of his marriage. That's not going to resolve and makes for a poor marriage.

Both of you parents should have the attitude that you both treat all 3 girls the same and do not accept gifts like MIL paying for hobbies. Ever. By not doing this you are splitting your family apart even if you do not end the marriage.

I think thats part of the reason he's been disinherited.

MIL didn't want her cash going to the step grandchild. So he is going to inherit less now. Maybe she'll give it directly tp her grandkids. But she didn't trust him not to give to the stepgrand child and she didn't want her money going there.

@GeorgeClarkefan why is DH not getting any inheritance? What did he do so wrong to be excluded like this. That’s awfully hurtful of his parents.

If it the poster I think it is.

I think her mum is disappointed in her. That she has let this treatment of her daughter cause her marriage break up.

I agree with this, SD has her own relationship with her grandparents and op has no right to dictate what that looks like,
ultimately this is an example of “blending” beware but people look at it with positive outlook when they “blend” a family but can’t force everyone to mix and it doesn’t always work out best for the kids

Why Is Your DM mad at you?

How's he gonna stop stuff for step daughter if her mum is happy with it.

I'd be livid if my daughters extracurricular activities were stopped cos my Ex's new wife wasn't happy with it.

How would getting divorced help except add another layer of complexity. Your youngest would surely blame your eldest for separating her from her dad. Or are you going to up and leave with only your oldest?

I looked back at OP post around Disney- look it’s never going to change, your in laws don’t see your eldest daughter as part of their family, your H hasn’t stood firm and said treat them all the same or that’s the end of our relationship, if that’s what you wanted then he could have done that.

So many threads on here where children from a first marriage are ignored when their father remarries and they acquire a step mother. Posters claim that if the Dad does not have his biological children with him all the time, they should be treated differently. A recent thread on here was from a mother not wanting to marry her partner because her children come first and she wanted her house and assets to go directly to them alone. She did not want her children to share their inheritance with her step children. Lots of support for her.

And keeping your youngest away from one part of her family is not the answer

I think you've posted unde a different name before.

With the same scenario.

If yes then YABU.

From the start you've been unable to understand that your eldest will not be treated like one of their family by your inlaws.

They are not going to spend money on her and she will not inherit from them.

But you've got a younger daughter who is treated like one of the family.

And you have to navigate how you are going to deal with this.

Because regardless of what you do. Your youngest will be more privileged compared to your oldest and there's nothing you can do to change that.

If the hobby is being paid for by MIL for two of the children why can’t you pay for the eldest yourself?

No not worse. It’s just different. Absolutely equal treatment on the days she’s with DF and OP though.

This. At the end of the day, this.

Instead, you have grown ups, including OP's own husband who has allowed his step daughter to be treated as 'lesser' in her own home in comparison to her own half sister and step sister.

How awful.

Personally, I think you'll be well rid of him and his family, OP.

You can't force your MIL to pay for things for your oldest. MIL does not see your oldest as part of her family.

Your husband doesn't want his bio kids to miss out on the activity. He's not going to deprive his youngest because they're not paying for your oldest.

Your older daughter feels entitled to do the activity. Why don't you pay?

It sounds like your husband tried to blend your kids but his family hasn't and that's their choice. Now he's losing out on things his full sibs are getting and he's resenting you as the cause of that. Your oldest feels she should be doing the same things as the others but you can't afford that.

Honestly, his family is funding extracurriculars and your oldest isn't entitled to that. That's just how it is. His family is not going to share the wealth with you and your oldest and there's likely more going on behind the scenes here. Why did you not discuss just these kinds of situations before marrying? Just because you married someone from a more well to do family doesn't mean you and your eldest are entitled to jack from his side of the family.

I think it’s ok that your eldest had a different experience growing up as YOUR circumstances were different.

The blended family now is complicated and I see your side of things. You say your husband treats your eldest the same way- but is this true if he lets all the above happen. This is the crux of things for me. However a grandma should be able to treat her grandkids how she wants - sadly the eldest is not hers by blood as she’s being mean - but I understand that too. Your husband needs to step in here!

Is the eldest old enough to understand family dynamics?

I’m an eldest, we often miss out.

I can’t see how you are helping her face life to come.

MIL prioritises blood relatives …that happens.

People have favourites that happens.

People are often poor with older children and more established financially with younger ones ..who then receive better things or maybe they fall on hard times and the situation is reversed. Life happens.

The teaching moment is to work hard and buy yourself thing things you’d like in life without dependence on others. The teaching moment is that not everyone has the same things.

Surely your eldest wants her sisters to have nice things even if she can’t. I do as an eldest sister.

It’s a whole lot of drama about jealousy…not love

The OP mentions her own mother so the grandmother to two of her daughters. Does she give equal gifts to all the children? Perhaps she could fund the expensive hobby?

OPs 1st DD doesn’t have her father’s side. So just one set of GP.

Anyway, I think it’s just an error. MIL should have checked with OP/DH first if it was okay to do this. They could then decide if they could afford it themselves for the other child. If they could, great. If not, decline and maybe say, they should give it later in the year as a birthday gift.

No one is suggesting MIL pay the expensive hobby for all 3 kids.