To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

I think I remember this poster and a PP is correct. The couple did not intend to marry because of the complications of a blended family. The OP’s mother insisted they marry ( shades of Jane Austen). The husband’s parents are fearful that their granddaughter by the first marriage would become disinherited by the husband and his new wife( the OP). I think the in laws are wealthy. I think they have decided to leave their money to the grandchildren and not the husband so his first daughter is not sidelined. The OP’s mother is furious at her daughter missing out on this nebulous ‘inheritance’ ( shades of Jane Austen).
In the end it is about money and the OP’s fury that she isn’t getting her in laws money.
I do wonder if the money was on the woman’s side if there would not be an issue.

Also tbh I think you’re right to separate. It might not be up to PILs to pay for your eldest, I see that, but I couldn’t have that inequity. It’s too damaging.

Sorry what’s the inheritance issue? Your husband isn’t being given money because he has a stepdaughter? What?

Depriving your youngest will not fix the fact that your eldest doesn't and will not have the same financial privilege as her for at least some years.

You're going to have to address the inequity and that life isn't always fair. That's fact.

There's going to be resentment. You've made choices that guaranteed that. Maybe with your youngest spending custody time at her dad's can ease that a bit. She will have you 100% of the time and youngest won't.

Can you just postpone, tell younger daughter it’s just on hold until you can afford the hobby for her sister. How old is she, surely she’d understand?

My two would hate the other being left out and would happily wait.

Because they are a family. Obviously GM shouldn’t have to fund a grandchild that isn’t hers, but by the same token she should have some sensitivity to the situation.

Look at the bigger picture. What’s more valuable to the youngest? The activity or having a happy intact family?

If your DM is so upset about the situation can she not pay for her own Grandaughter, your eldest daughter to do the hobbies?

OP, if you’re the poster I think you are then this was inevitable. You’ve always know the score, that was made clear to you by your husband and in laws before you married and had another child, and you chose to go ahead and do both anyway. You are responsible for that.

You clearly cannot live with the reality of the situation, and this was never something that wouldn’t constantly be an issue for you. It still will be, regardless of whether you divorce or not, so the most you can do is split and keep your eldest daughter separated from your former husband and in laws.

I am a step parent with two of my own and none together. Dh had money and I had very little so we could have easily have had the same situation as you. But.. there is no way I would have had the children treated differently by dh if they were under the same roof. I would not expect his family to treat my kids the same as his (and definitely not financially!) as the blending wasn’t their idea, but dh? Yes. Our kids are all adults now and all had the same opportunities from the time we were married.

I would take a stand too. I understand that you aren’t owed anything, or your eldest daughter, the difference here to glaringly obvious and it is horrible to single out one child.
Never share the reason why you left with your children or it’ll build resentment between them. ❤️

OP’s husband isn’t going to allow his daughter to miss out because they cannot afford the same for the eldest. That isn’t ’fairness’.

When I say have an age appropriate chat, do you really think I mean "tell her she's a pauper and should know her place". Is that really what you took away from that, or are you just being obtuse?

The differences can't be hidden. Sooner or later, they will come out. Especially as the girls get older. Better to deal with it now rather than let resentment build for decades.

Probably because the husband wants his youngest to do this activity, especially if it's also spending time with his oldest.

How long ago did you call time on it?

You tell the younger one... we don't have the money, sorry.

Your kids aren't entitled to everything and anything. You and your DH need to.grow a bit of gumption and parent the kids how you can / want.

If you don't have the money... you don't have the money.

How old are the girls?

Your mil should have asked you if it was alright to pay for the youngest. At that point you could have decided if it was feasible for you/your husband/your mum to pay for your eldest daughter. I don't think you can expect your mil to pay for all three.

We are a blended family and I wouldn’t expect grandparents from the other side to support the other children. We have 7 between us and mine are much better off financially due to inheritance and that’s accepted by everyone. It generally means that we will pay for my partners kids and mine will pay for themselves for things. Works out fine.

Why can't the OP tell her that the youngest won't be participating though?

I highly doubt the husband snuck the kids out the door behind her bac
There's 2 parents here who can and should open their mouths

Why should the husband have to deprive his youngest of activities funded by his mom because his current wife had a child with a deadbeat?

It's like making youngest pay for OP making a bad choice of her eldest's parent.

There was a thread a couple years ago where a mom had diminished her youngest kid's contact with her relatives because an older child kicked off that they didn't have the same setup and the youngest went no contact with the mom and eldest when she hit adulthood and resented that she hadn't been allowed around her relatives. It really showed up the long lasting consequences of trying to make things "fair" by depriving the youngest in a blended family situation.

I think you and your husband weren’t a strong enough union against the rest of his family.

He could have stopped this but he chose not to. It wasn’t possible for you to fix this alone.

And your mil has been allowed to run things too much.

No winners here, I’m so sorry for you all, but especially your oldest daughter.

What should be happening is that the spineless man tells his mother that she pays for all the children or none of the children - she doesn't get to cherrypick and choose her 'blood' granddaughters over her honorary granddaughter and if she's so thick that she can't see why that's a problem there's no hope for her
He's the one causing the problem and the OP is right to bin him.

I feel so sorry for you, I’ve been the step daughter and I never felt part of the family it’s awful when it is so obvious but I feel for your husband too his family don’t have to treat them the same but I couldn’t do this to a child if I was your mil

Also to add - my best friend has a half-sister, she is really wealthy by marriage/ great job and her bio grandma left her quite a bit of money. My friend was struggling (money issues due to illness), so her sister gave her all the inheritance as a gift. She said she has enough and she wants to see her sister happy. They are incredibly close and I always envied their bond.