Or is this absolutely batshit (sex life related)

sounds Very Andrew Tate to me, you must do as I say and be available at any time I say for whatever I want and sod you and your wants
have you checked his internet history?

I don’t find AI intelligent or pithy.

This is abusive. No one in a normal partnership has had this said to them. What are you going to do next?

He certainly knows how to turn a woman off. Men who tie their self esteem to their sex life are pitiful. Not someone I’d enjoy sleeping with.

Oh yeuch.

He must have some good qualities but what on earth are they?

I think maybe head out to the movies tonight.

Your early talks are quite revealing Op, he has a perfectly normal life but feels sorry for himself, he wants sex to compensate. I'm afraid it was a red flag you missed

Does he claim to have absolutely no idea that the way he's behaving is abnormal?

He has come in from work, barely said two words as he is in a mood. Probably because just before I wrote this post I hung up on him as he was drivelling on about how he ‘just needs to cum when he wants to’ and ‘what’s wrong with that?’
so now it will be misery guts all evening

This is emotional abuse.

(I hasn't seen your post before posting mine)

So here is the sulk.
Now it's your problem to remedy. And his solution to that ? More attention from you.

Is this not just so draining OP?
Can you really keep doing this for the rest of your adult years.

If I were you I would take my child out for the night and leave him to it. Don't fall into the pattern he is expecting.

The immediately turning things sexual was a test for your boundaries. And to see if you were hook up material Then on to the me, me, me stuff, you pull away and then suddenly he changes his tune again back to Mr Nice Guy. Not a green flag by any means.

A few possible reasons this has amped up now could be he's now become a bit bored.
As I mentioned before, he's feeling intimidated by you, and is overplaying his 'needs'
He is the "man of the house"
He's watching porn
He's had or having an affair. You would think then that they would go off sex with you, but often it goes this way.
Mid life crisis looming.

Many other things really, but the point of this is.... None of these are caused by you. But he is making his issues your issues.

Of course everyone is saying that wouldn't stand for it, he is just treating you as a sex object which I agree with.

If you really want to continue this relationship though, you are going to have to put a stop to this. This is no doubt going to be turned back on you, and sulks will be on the order of the day. Have a think whether that is really worth it.

Disgusting man.

Sulking because he cant have sex? Jesus christ. Go tell him his teenage boy attitude has made your vagina drier than the Sahara and the rain will only make a return if he stops this utterly bizarre behaviour and starts acting like the 42 year old that he actually is

Why are you still with him?!

He sounds truly, truly awful. Where on earth is he getting these ideas from? I can hardly believe men like this existed.

OP how can you bear to be around him??

baffled as to where all this is coming from. I have told him his is a huge turn off and he told me that if it’s such a turn off ‘expressing my (his) needs’ then it isn’t a ‘safe relationship’

Is this sort of talk about your relationship new for him? Does he often talk about your relationship in such a manner? It doesn't sound manosphere but it does sound like he's found some new vision of your relationship through youtube videos or a new self help book maybe.

Either way its a huge bloody ick and I don't see it improving. I do think that this is him setting you up in his mind as unsafe and not meeting his needs, opening the door to find someone safe and ready to service him 24 hours a day.

He is objectifying you, disrespecting you and manipulating you to have sex you do not want to have.

He is wrapping it up in 'because I fancy you so much!' but that doesn't change what he is doing.

Leave the relationship, he is a dick.

Hang on, you are a busy working mum with a stressful job and you still have sex 3-4 times a week and sometimes dress up for him?

He should count himself bloody lucky!

His behaviour is absolutely not normal.

Run like the wind !
he sounds awful.
he wants a sex doll. Or a wh*re.
not a real human partner with feelings

Sounds awful.

Perhaps he's been sucked into the manosphere by watching Andrew Tate et al. He seems to want you as a sex object with no interest in your needs.

Well it sounds like he understands there's lots more to life Op but he thinks any hour not spent on sex is an hour wasted. It's not surprising his relationships only last three years, by then he's worn out any woman's patience.
Either go to sex therapy or leave him Op, he can't see he's obsessed and I can't see him getting any better

I feel like I should be able to ask for whatever I want and get it, I should be able to touch you within reason (and reason was if I was ill) and you should want it’

The entitlement to use of your body and objectification of you is off the charts there. That's extreme misogyny and frankly, a rapist mindset in a nutshell.

It's all about him. He doesn't recognize that you're a human being with body autonomy and can say no to him. You're a hole available any time he wants.

I'd break up simply because that mindset is not going to be present in a healthy and mutual relationship.

It's no surprise he's become sexually coercive and gaslighting. Is he on red pill forums?

How did you meet OP?

And did he turn things sexual right away once you starting speaking?