Or is this absolutely batshit (sex life related)

Well, your options are leave or put up with it and judging by your responses so far I'd put money on the latter.
He won't change and you're going to waste your life with someone who loves wallowing in self pity, moaning about his balls and sulking, what a lovely future!

He's coercing you into it.

All this talk of self esteem is bullshit. That's a tool to guilt you into sex you don't want. OP, sex you don't want is sex you haven't consented to......

He's badgering endlessly and no, nothing will ever be enough. It's not about him getting enough. No man's balls ever exploded because he went 72 hours without a shag. It's about control and making you have non consensual sex.

Giving in to pressure is not consent.
Giving in to avoid consequences is not consent.
Giving in because saying no will cause a problem is not consent.

Sex you have not consented to is rape.

I had one of these and it's chilling to read the same 'script' being rolled out here. It destroyed me. I've been alone ever since. I don't date because I can't.

He is knowingly pushing you for sex he knows you don't want. Any rejection will always be countered with

'you don't fancy him anymore'
'you never want sex anymore'
'if you loved him you'd want as much sex as he does etc

You will always be the problem. Don't let him continue with this. I'd leave today and never look back but that's with the benefit of hindsight. It took me a long time to understand and then accept what had happened to me in that relationship.

A change in sex habit/desire can be a sign of an affair. Any evidence OP?

Those were the first red flags Op - the sex talk and then the manipulative self pity.

I’ve come across those men who immediately want to trauma dump on a woman too.

He obviously adjusted his approach since he could see you were backing off.

But it sounds like he is still feeling very sorry for himself and thinks he’s entitled to a constant flow of sex to make up for his oh so terrible life.

A guy I dated a while back was mid 40s ended up going on all fours on his bed with his rather ample bum sticking up moaning about “blue balls” for half an hour when I didn’t sleep with him. I was sat in the living room but he had the bedroom door open so I could still see him .

It was all so unattractive. I chose to never see him again.

I'd have to really lose my shit at him. Something along the lines of:

Well go and bloody cum then. I am not a fucking prostitute or sex doll, here to service your every need! You've turned into a sex pest, it's really unattractive and honestly, I no longer fancy you because of it. I'm sick of hearing about your fucking balls.

I have needs too and a major one is the need to not be coerced into sex every five fucking minutes. Its honestly starting to feel a bit rapey now, you dont seem to give a fuck that I don't want to, it's all about you.

One more demand or sulk about sex, you will find yourself divorced. It's a massive turn off, I feel like I'm married to a teenager.

This is so vile and such a turn off. I don’t know how you fancy him at all. Nothing wrong with a healthy frequent sex life if that floats your boat but all of his messaging and whining would have me out the door immediately.

if you really love him then maybe go for therapy but he needs a massive reality check.

My husband is the same, after 26 years it's fucking annoying. On occasion I've threatened him with divorce over it

Dressed as a sex prop for him coming home from work.
Nah ,Nah matey🙋

Agree with Gottabestrong it's not really about sexual desire, it's about control. He wants to get his own way - everyday. That's what makes it toddler-like and so unattractive.

This would bore me senseless and I would laugh my fucking head off at him down the phone.
The ick would be seen from the Moon.
He sounds so pathetic and unintelligent, I would lose every last bit of respect for him.
I’d actually be embarrassed to have a partner who sounds like a sexually stunted teenage boy, or one of those men who leave reviews online for prostitutes. 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

Jesus christ. You’ve got more patience than me as this would long be over. Does he value anything about you other than seeing you as a sexual object? He is acting like a teenager when he’s a middle aged man, with zero respect for women who may have other things to do than be dressed up or poised ready for his return. Fair enough if a mutual thing, but he just wants you as his sex doll.

I hope that you are also taking in what is being said in the responses to OP.

he ‘just needs to cum when he wants to’ and ‘what’s wrong with that?’

Then fucking wank, you fucking idiot!

He sounds like the Walking Ick. Ewww.

Read properly through this thread and honestly it’s like a double of my current situation. If my DP wasn’t home so much I would have thought we were dating the same guy!

I am also main breadwinner, no kids together etc.

I am losing my mind over this and he doesn’t seem to get it at all!

I never comment on threads like this but yuk. He sounded insufferable and would seriously give me the ick.

LTB

Well we must agree to differ 🫣😁

and I spelt idiosyncrasies wrong, so clearly have no leg to stand on!

Are you me? I could have written this. Ours has become less regular but this has been due to stress, relationship changes, illness etc. but is still at very worst 1x per week which I don’t think is worthy of this reaction.

it’s driving me mad! And completely turning me off. Also has me considering ending the relationship.

I agree with other posters who said his behaviour is a red flag. I think it can be seen as sexually controlling in the sense that it may lead to sexual coercion.

His mood and emotional approach towards you is dictated by how much you are having sex with him and not just that, but also it must be in the way HE wants. In addition, he is continually changing and moving the goal posts as to how much is the right amount/frequency and what kind of sexual contact and intimacy is the right kind to make him happy.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to make someone like this happy. The coercion also exists because he has centred HIMSELF rather than treating your sexual needs and desire equally.

He is having sex as a means of control. This risks you becoming an object to him rather than a person who has their own boundaries and sexual desires. For example, if you don't do what he wants then you will have to suffer him in a bad mood or whinging and whining. Some abusive people will use the silent treatment to reinforce this. So this is how sex can become a means of control and it can exist on its own as a form of abuse.

When the pressure from your intimate partner is so great that you find yourself agreeing to do things you do not want to do or at times you would otherwise not be consenting this is a major problem. How is it sexually satisfying for him to know that he is having sex with someone who is not also enthusiastically consenting?

A man in their late 30s who's never managed a relationship over 4 years is a walking red flag on its own.

Just reading about the whining is nauseating. You're clearly an accomplished, independent woman so you can't be desperate enough for this surely?