Or is this absolutely batshit (sex life related)

Urgh. I couldn't be doing with this. I would have lost all respect for all this man.

It sounds like he has no respect for your wants or feelings and just wants a “vessel”.
How can he imagine you’d be in the mood for sex if he spends days whining about not getting it and the “wet for me” comment - massive turn off.
I’d be telling him that any sort of sexual contact is entirely off the table until he learns to be respectful and considers your feelings rather than just his own.
And if his balls ache after 12 hours, he has a medical issue he maybe should have investigated.

The answer is blindingly obvious to anyone with half a brain: "Because the person he is attracted to doesn't always want to have sex when he does."

Wtf. Has he sustained an injury that has knocked all the sense out of his head?

I'd tell him that his whinging and nagging is pathetic, his lying about his aching balls is both coercive and ridiculous, and that nothing makes you want to have sex with him less than him acting as though you only exist to serve him sexually.

Then tell him to sort his shit out or you'll throw him out. Although I imagine he won't be able to sort his shit out, and he'll either be good for a few weeks and then revert to type, or double down on trying to guilt and gaslight you.

How bizarre that he's just begun acting this way out of nowhere. It seems so weird, like there must be a cause.

I am just a bit sick of constantly reassuring him and more than that having to go above and beyond to reassure him when literally 2 days later it’s all forgotten

You can't give someone self esteem - he needs to work on himself.

I had one of these as well. Left me feeling like a hollowed out shell.

He once screamed at me that we never have sex. We had sex multiple times a week. He also regularly told me he should be able to have as much sex as he wanted.

It was awful. Towards the end of the relationship he'd say 'we'll have a fuck first' after everything I said, eg

''we need to get some milk'' ''We'll have a fuck first.
''should we start dinner?'' We'll have a fuck first.

Once he said ''you know you're going to have to, so you might as well get it out of the way''

I think he's reducing you to a sex object because you are more successful than he is at work. He's showing you that you might be more successful at work, but he's the one with the sex drive.

Has he ever suggested bringing another man into the relationship so he can watch someone have sex with you? That's common with men who see women as sex objects who need to be put in their place.

I've read all these posts with a disgusted / horrified look on my face. Your sex pest partner owes me money for botox now.

My ex was like this. Refused to wank because "why would I do that when I have you?", and was constantly pawing at me like a humping dog. Needless to say, it entirely put me off sex and I cringed away from his touch. Sometimes I gave in for a quiet life, but that was really bad for my mental health and made me feel like I was complicit in my own dehumanisation. When we broke up it was like a weight had been lifted, and I'd never tolerate this kind of sex pest whining again.

Buy the man a 5 pack of wank socks as a goodbye gift and send him on his way. There's no coming back from this.

Also Op I don’t want to say once a cheat always a cheat, as that’s over simplistic, but realistically it makes it more likely he will cheat again since he has done that to other partners in the past.

Especially if he thinks you aren’t giving him enough sex.

I’m not saying he actually thinks your relationship is sexless btw, but evidently this is the story he’s concocting so he can make excuses to himself and you, when he cheats.

He sounds like the most basic of beings. Is he limited in all walks of life? And he’s bloody 40. 😂 How on earth has he managed to get a partner that hasn’t dumped his repugnant arse? You can do better surely, OP?

I actually don’t think it’s the manosphere. I think he has extremely low self esteem and is maybe floundering in his career. He may also have increased his porn consumption.

OP do you mind sharing if he earns below or above average and if he gets job satisfaction from his business?

I briefly dated a younger man that lacked confidence and focus, and he was very much obsessed with sex. It was like he channelled his ambition into sex and women instead of focusing on upskilling his career and progressing his career.

I eventually told him both his focus on sex and lack of ambition were a turn off and the former was also very creepy to me. It was also annoying because instead of actually doing nice things for me like romantic things, or making my life easier in some way or thinking of things that would have meant a lot to me he apparently thought the promise of sex was how he could woo me 🙄

How old is your child? Is she a a girl? I worry about male partners around step-children at the best of time, but I’d be especially worried when the man is like this.

You have no children together and aren’t married - why are you hanging around?

Why are you with this man? I can’t imagine any positives that would make this bearable.

Tell him to stop being a rapey cunt and if his balls are aching then he can go and have a wank. You weren't put on this earth to be his fucking sex doll and if that's what he wants well he can piss off and go find someone else to play that role. I can't believe some men believe that acting this way will make their partner actually want sex with them. It's about as off putting as you can get

Blue balls??? I've not heard that since 1987! WTF is wrong with him? Is he Bernard Manning or Benny Hill?

Yes, this. Do not even consider any kind of counselling. He's abusive and controlling. Get out of this relationship the best way you can.

“come to the crux of it today and he says ‘I feel like I should be able to ask for whatever I want and get it, I should be able to touch you within reason (and reason was if I was ill) and you should want it’”

Please know that this is very not ok.

No, I definitely wouldn't consider a couples therapist, he sounds absolutely manipulative and horrible tbh.

Has he complained to you about lack of sex in previous relationships? It's a big red manipulative flag if he has as he is implying he expects (demands) a consistent sex life with you.

This might be an odd take but… has he recently stopped cheating on you?
Has he had an affair/been dumped and is now pining for you to make up the slack he was getting elsewhere?

This also screams manosphere bullshit that he should be able to control his woman.

It also screams feelings of inadequacy like PPs said that as you’re the main earner, he wants control elsewhere in the relationship.

You could sell the couples therapy to him by telling him it would help You. If he thinks it’s about him having to change he’d stick his heels in. A good therapist would see what was going on and hopefully try to find out what is really going on for him. (I was a couples therapist)

Have you addressed the point where he's saying you should address his needs?

Oh for God’s sake, tell him to grow up. This is pathetic. I wouldn’t have got to 30 years married if Dh behaved like this.

'you rejecting me damages my self esteem, I do anything you want sexually to keep you, I get pain in my balls if I don’t cum’

I'm sure he knows the way to solve this.