AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

We reap what we sow. Your mother wasn’t hands-on with your children and then wonders why they are not close to her. You could explain that to her. She had every right to not want to offer childcare but she can’t expect now to be doted upon.

I don't avoid it, but I work full time and will do for at least another 15 years, by which time my DGC won't need me :-(

I help on the occasional weekend, but I need time to recover from a stressful week, do housework, shopping, laundry and just relax

Times have changed from when I was young when the older females didn't work so grandmothers were always there to help. I have such great memories of my school holidays with all my cousins

Still no answer to my question, OP: could you not be bothered to read the MANY replies on the previous and very recent threads on exactly this topic?

Why don't you answer? It's because you're a goady fucker, isn't it?

How much support do you give to your DC with any grandchildren you have? Many of the posts that have been referred to here are responding to grandparents unwilling to offer what you were given, which I think is a great baseline.

I disagree, most of the posts seem to be saying I don't want to be tied to regular childcare, so people are happy to do exactly what you have suggested, occasional help, an emergency help, visits in holidays etc. That is what most people on here are saying is fine.
It is the daily care in place of nursery etc that people onject to

except you have already judged in your OP. If you mean that you don't want replies which judge you then be less goady in your posts

I think most women consider their children to be the joy of their lives, but have the foresight and empathy to understand that people who are a lot older, less fit and have worked for 40+ years to raise their own kids might be looking forward to a bit of a break rather than go through the whole exhausting process with someone else's kids.

Also, when you retire you don't know how much time you've got left. I want to do things like have holidays in term time when I'm fit and able to do them.

Just because you're not willing to provide free childcare doesn't mean you hate children.

My MiL had quite bad arthritis but SiL who lived 100 miles away still used her as free childcare in the school holidays and expected her to endure a long uncomfortable bus journey to get to their house. They both had well paying jobs but wouldn't pay for it when they could get her to do it for nothing.

That sounds great, you were raised to be independent, managed to use childcare, and had support from your parents in emergencies and holidays. They supported you as you needed them to, and your kids developed great relationships with their grandparents.

How much support do you give to your DC with any grandchildren you have? Many of the posts that have been referred to here are responding to grandparents unwilling to offer what you were given, which I think is a great baseline. As I mentioned, I don't think any grandparents should be pressured into regular if they don't want to, but short trips and emergencies is very helpful and I believe beneficial for both sides.

The closest I have ever lived to any family is over 200 miles away, currently over double that, fully independently pay for all the childcare, obviously no regular care given or expected. My DH works away a lot, I just have to manage my schedule around him. My eldest is 11, my DM has never had her alone longer than a few hours, and I could count those times on my fingers. My DD and DSM have had her twice total for 1-2 days on her own. My PIL have had her around once a year, proactively asking us to spend time with her (its not us asking). Guess who she is closest to?

Sorry you find the term offensive. It is a well accepted generation descriptor, alongside millennials, gen X etc and much easier to help us refer to who we mean without needing a long explanation.

Wanting to and being able to are two different things. Some just don't want to and that needs no excuses.

I haven't got grandkids and would love to have some but I think my DH and I are just too old and knackered to do full days with sole responsibility for small children. And we are fit - both go to gym every day, play tennis, etc. Occasionally would be okay but regularly not. I remember it being very full on even when they were my own. It's not like you can let them be on their iPads all day.

what a nasty horrible thing to say.

Of course we don't hate children!
I adore my kids, but I also love my mum and dad who need a lot of help at the moment, and I am also enjoying a new project at work.

I would love to see grandchildren regularly, happy to babysit, happy to have them to stay for a weekend, but do not want to be tied to a set childdare pattern.
I want to be able to spoil them without needing to to the daily care, just like my grandparents did with me.

If you have children then you should think about looking after your grandson the future otherwise don’t have children

"My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children."
You have her reason, she has politely told you, so not sure how other people's view of why a grandparent might want to relax and enjoy their time in their own way, would add much.
This thread feels more as if you want people to say your mother was selfish...she was not; an adult child expecting their parents to provide free child care as a right, is selfish however.

Ad hoc babysitting and overnights are fine occasionally, but looking after babies and toddlers full time when you are in your 60s and 70s is not for everyone. You don't need to provide free wrap round care to have a good relationship with your grandchildren. So bore off.

Or because many of today’s parents belong to the laziest generation to ever live. They are self obsessed, career obsessed, money obsessed, status obsessed, obsessed with staring into screens. The entitled comments made by some parents on here lately are vile. Your children are YOUR OWN, not mine, and if you can’t cope with them, why should I bail you out? Your children are small people who are learning, and won’t be young for very long at all. Your families, that I didn’t choose to have, are real people that you need to deal with instead of trying to farm them out. Ever heard of taking responsibility for your own choices? Living within your means?

You entitled younger people get exactly what you deserve - nothing.

(Actually, I don’t entirely mean all that, but it’s a way of reversing the previous poster’s viewpoint.)

I don't have help with mine from anyone. I'm a working mum and whilst my dh is a hands on parent too, it is a full on household. Again totally my choice and I'm not complaining. Parents in law did 2 afternoons a week childcare for us for 1 year but they were often unreliable. We stick to school holidays to go away , have dates when kids are at nursery and or school. My days often revolve around my family and work and again this is the life I have chosen however once they are grown i do look forward to dh and I being spontaneous again. I would happily have any grandchildren on an adhoc basis but I don't wish to commit to regular pickups or drop offs and as we have 3 kids.I wouldn't want animosity to arise as a result of us helping one more than the other. Dh is also 8 years older than me and the fact that we will likely be grandparents in my 60s and his 70s is not lost on us. Our health is important too and it is bloody tiring taking care of children. With your own at least it is your rules but I wouldn't want to give up my precious time to pander to how my children would like grandchildren to be looked after. I want to do the fun stuff without obligation.

There are lots of ways to support your kids once they have their own and I will always be there for advice, happy to cook meals that they can bung in the freezer, have children when they want to go on a date etc but by then we will have parented our own and it's up to them to raise their own.

I don’t think you can generalise about this, every grandparent is an individual and has their own preferences.
I dropped a day at work a week to have my first grandchild when he was born and am still looking after my second grandchild on that day every week seven years later. I also provide ad hoc childcare on evenings and school holidays etc.
My parents were unable to help me with childcare as I moved to the far end of the country before I had children so I’m not doing it because my mother did it for me.

I just wanted to. Nursery costs are insane so they save one day a week and I get to have a closer relationship with my grandchildren, I don’t know why other grandparents don’t all do this but evidently they don’t.

Alternatively some grandparents take on small children three and four days a week which wouldn’t suit me. I prefer to continue working and a certain amount of the money I earn goes towards treats and outings for my grandchildren. I fund a very expensive hobby the oldest enjoys for example.

You seem to imply grandparents should completely replace nursery care if possible but that’s not for me, everyone needs balance in their lives. I’m in my sixties and babies and toddlers are physically and emotionally tiring - especially if you’re giving them a balanced day with a mix of physical activity and playing/ reading etc.

In short there are as many reasons for not providing childcare for grandchildren as there are grandparents!

Christ. I’m really surprised you have to ask tbh.

-People are having to work to a later age. They are entitled to have a life and rest when they eventually retire.

-My in laws love having their grandkids, but they can mainly cope with 1 at a time, they have their own health issues, and their own elderly parents to look after.

-I wouldn’t want grandparents looking after my kids instead of going to nursery. It’s lovely to have a day there occasionally but it also involves a lot more tv and sugar than nursery.

All those people who think grandparents should do regular childcare are missing one important thing. When I see my grandchildren, I’m the fun person in the room - the one who gives them sweets, teaches them bad jokes and tells stories about when their Mum or Dad was little. I don’t ever have to make them clean their teeth or do homework or put their toys away. Their faces light up when I arrive because they know I’m not going to do any of the ‘mean’ parenting stuff. I had a fun granny like that - I adored her, as did my cousins.

And to answer another point made by many previous posters, my kids know I have absolutely no expectation that they will care for me when I’m old and decrepit. I’ll book myself into a care home at my own expense, and if I lose capacity, they know that is my wish.

I think there is a big difference between providing regular childcare eg 1-2 days a week which feels like a massive commitment and being willing to help occasionally and most importantly emergencies. I think if family aren’t willing to help a bit with the latter then there is an element of reap what you sow unfortunately.

Within my own family, my parents had a huge amount of help from my grandmother. There were times she moved in for weeks to help with childcare when my mum was in hospital. My parents haven’t ever really done that for me or my sister and I think that does in turn affect how much we’d be willing or not to drop everything now they’re older and need a bit more support. In particular, my sister will never forgive them for not helping out during an emergency involving a close bereavement. I can’t remember what the excuse was as they were retired and weren’t busy people. I took time off work as did my boyfriend and we travelled to theirs to take the kids. I think that one event changed my sister’s view of them forever unfortunately.

Tbf you can love parenting in your 30s and 40s and not feel up to it in your 60s and 70s.

Be giving not taking where you can. It makes you feel more at peace. If your mum needs help give it to her freely and don't worry about what other people are or aren't doing. The world keeps turning in the same way whether you are railing against it or not.

Because they’ve already bought up their own children? Why would they want to repeat that again - they’ve worked all their lives, spend 18years+ bringing up their own kids and now want a break - how is difficult to understand?

As for the people saying they won’t help their parents out because they won’t provide free often unlimited childcare, your parents bought up you up and provided care and love during your childhood and now some people threaten turning your back because their aging parents won’t provide free care, I think they are heartless and transactional! If you can’t manage your own kids and childcare arrangements don’t have them. Asking for the odd emergency, like other arrangements fallen through a few times a year but expectations of regular childcare are so unfair on grandparents

More hyperbolic nonsense. For god's sake, make a coherent point without this rubbish