AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

On the off chance that you're genuinely interested, I will have to work til at least 67, and at that point, when I am able to retire after 50 + years of working without a break, I want to spend time having the freedom to have a rest and persue my own interests, rather than keep working in an unpaid job to enhance someone else's life at the expense of my own.

I don't yet have grandchildren, but I'd imagine I'd be happy to do some ad hoc babysitting if it fitted round my other commitments, or in an emergency. And of course I'd like to spend time with them (and my children), take them for days out etc. But committing to long term regular childcare? Not a chance! I don't want to be working til I literally die from exhaustion!

I am a 67 year old grandmother and still work part time. I will be babysitting my 4yr old and 18 month old grandchildren all day Saturday. By the evening I will be shattered! I help when I can but there is no way I could commit to regular hours. Judge away OP.

No, its not my personal business, I was merely asking as you have chosen to reply to my comment on a post about wondering why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare and it is relevant to your opinions on the post.

My comment stated that I don't believe regular childcare should be expected, but asking for grandparents to accept the CoL crisis has made very helpful for those that are willing. And that 2 parent working households are much more commonly needed these days, not just that more women want to work.

But as the OP mentioned, providing no childcare will effect relationships between grandparents and grandchildren, which I strongly agree with. As some grandparents are unwilling to offer even occasional childcare for odd days, emergencies or short breaks. I have experience of this through my parents. And I can see it having a detrimental effect on the relationship between my DC and my parents.

Your parents offered occasional childcare and built good relationships. You have a big distance barrier but are making a big effort for your first visit and I can only assume that will continue as long as you are able.

So I am struggling to see why you appear so offended by my comments, as you are doing exactly what I have explained I believe is the right thing for parents and grandparents in your position should do. And your family has done in previous generations.

It isn't everyone's experience, on both sides of the argument, as I expect you will have seen from the high number of other posts from people with various frustrations. Me included, that my parents are not willing to even meet the minimal baseline that their own parents gave them, not regular care but the occasional trip for my DC to visit, stay with and get to know them.

I hope the upcoming arrival of your first grandchild goes well and you have an amazing time visiting and meeting them.

Because they don’t want to, HTH.

(not just to the poster quoted above but to all the posters who equate a bond with childcare only)
It is your responsibility to facilitate the bond between grandparents and children!

I wasn't brought up being looked after by grandparents and my children don't get regular childcare from grandparents either, but we all have a close bond and the children would be expected to pop in to see their grandparents of their own accord as adults because that is their family....the bond is built by making an effort to go and see each other for social time as a family every 4-6 weeks while the kids are growing up, sharing major festivals, facetiming at the weekends, modelling visiting your own elder relatives and so on. You make the relationship a priority and then it remains a priority - it's what families are, not a wage for providing childcare!

She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out

Right, so you do get it then? Just because a previous generation did it, it doesn't mean the next has to. Also if this is a real question, you know full well that its mosty men who don't help with childcare, so why not go post ths on a male dominated forum?

I have 5 children, had my eldest at 17, youngest at 37, she is now 9 (I have been a single parent since pregnancy when ex DH left me). I am now looking forward to, in the not too distant future, having some time for me. (yes, I know that’s my fault for spreading my children over so many years). There is absolutely no chance I will be then be going back to years of childcare for grandchildren!

I do have 2 toddler grandsons, and I have the same relationship with them as my kids did with their grandparents, we meet up on my days off sometimes, see them at weekends (and xmas birthdays etc) but I have never been ‘childcare’. Yes I would of course help in an emergency (and have done if I’m not at work) but I’m not giving up my freedom when I get it.

You can't imagine why people wouldn't want to provide childcare for their grandchildren; I can't imagine why anyone would! Children are loud and noisy and messy and disruptive and dirty, and need feeding and attention and discipline. If ever I'm lucky enough to be a grandmother I'd want the fun bits but none of the drudgery! Who on earth wouldn't?!

I don't expect to be "close" to my grandchildren. I don't even know what that looks like. My grandparents all lived thousands of miles away from me and died when I was a young child; and I think I might have found it a bit much having 6 adults in my life raising me rather than 2. I suppose it depends on the personalities. My DM doesn't talk of her late MIL in the fondest terms!!

I think the crux of it for people like you who see family relationships as a series of transactions, is that I have zero expectation that I be helped in my old age by children or grandchildren. In fact, the idea horrifies me. We have provided for our retirement and old age. I wouldn't want my children to have to add to the stresses of daily life by having to bathe and feed me, shop and cook for me. I'd much rather they focus on their children and their daily lives. I'd jolly well expect them to visit me or call me, but that's it. They must get on with their lives while they're young and busy and can enjoy them, travel and see the world and enrich their children's lives. I am, after all!

Your OP is a judgement though.

It’s been explained over and over again. People are different, have differing needs and expectations, differing physical abilities and different mindsets.

I don’t like the fact that so much of these discussions seem to be moving relationships into transactional ones. ‘You don't help me out, you won’t get any support if you need it’ seems to be the plan.

I say this as a grandparent who worked full time when my grandchildren were small. Apart from babysitting at weekends, I couldn’t offer childcare. I did when I worked part time and retired and we had them for weekends etc. I didn’t have childcare from my mother or my in laws. My parents didn’t either. When you’re older, the spirit may be willing, but the flesh is definitely weaker.

Our grandchildren are older now and are independent. I enjoy and value their company. They are chatty and charming people, even though one of them is still a teenager. They are happy to spend time with us, but not so frequently as they live further away. I remember the times we spent when they were small with fondness, but we were younger and had more energy.

I really, really resent the assertion that all people of retirement age are sitting in large houses, going on multiple holidays, playing golf, lunching out and generally frittering away their children’s inheritance. We’ve given house deposits, helped out with expenses of all kinds and downsized to reduce costs, although with the cost of living, that’s not going too well just now.

That's a comedy though.

Did anyone see the movie Groundhog Day?

Are we in that movie?

Oh don't be bloody ridiculous. My friend's kids have both emigrated. How in hell can she provide childcare?

My parents do the odd over night for my youngest (older kids are teens) they also would do the odd orthodontist trip if around but have never expected them to do more.
They have their own life to lead and my kids are all very close to them and see them almost weekly and the teens often visit alone.

Ergh because she’s probably bloody tired.

It sounds like your Dad worked all the time so she clearly picked up the slack and did everything around the house/raising children and the mental load I don’t blame her for not wanting to babysit your kids.

You come across quite self centred in the way you expect/want your elderly mother to provide childcare for the kids you chose to have.

Also quite telling the way you idolise your Dad because he did more with your kids, but you fail to recognise the reason is because he probably did naff all parenting and your Mum had to do everything.

My ageing memory defaults to an image of a kangaroo whenever I see the word ‘boomer’, as in ‘six white…’

Because, after decades of single parenting and sacrificing my own needs I’m completely exhausted and now in my golden years I want to put myself first and enjoy the time I have left.

Whilst it's none of your business, our first grandchild is due in a month or so. They will be born about 5,500 miles away. DILs parents are going a few days before the expected date and staying for a month. We are flying out for three weeks in late September and are renting an apartment rather than staying with them. We are going to provide some support and breaks for DIL when DS has a work heavy phase.

If ds and dil were in the UK, they would not be getting regular childcare.

It's a shame you don't see the nuance with which the term Boomer is used, particularly when the proper and full term is Baby Boomer. We don't call Gen X, X'ers; Millenials, Mills; or gen z's, zedders.

It's little more than a lazy slur around here.
Ever seen it used positively by someone younger? There’s your answer.

Sorry you find the term offensive. It is a well accepted generation descriptor, alongside millennials, gen X etc and much easier to help us refer to who we mean without needing a long explanation.

Arf. Course it is 🙄
But what does boomer meeeean???

In the eyes of the average Millennial on here they seem to be a combination of bank account [current and expected], projected burden [' I don't want to end up as a carer'] and political punch bag " you bought a house! It's all your fault that we can't buy one, however you voted".
Yes, that's ageist. But it's only not OK that way round apparently.

There is more to life than raising kids. Its probably novel for your dad as he hasnt alreay spent XX years raising kids, so its a change for him, not moreof the same

Dh is really brilliant with our gc. He openly admits he's finding it fun because he wasn't able to do much with ours, working away days at a time and all hours during the week. He fully appreciates that maybe for me it's, as you say, more of the same. Having said that, our dd doesn't expect 'regular childcare' from us and we don't look after them while she works. We do see them every other day though and have an hour's play (still toddlers) while Mum and Dad make dinner or whatever they want to do - but they're still around. We spend that time playing with them because we want to, not because we have to. It seems that this won't count as having a 'close and loving relationship' with them because it's not
'childcare' and when we get very old and they grow up, they won't want to come and visit us because we didn't look after them while their parents worked.

Quite. And older women are constantly portrayed as the bad guys.
Ageist and fucking tiresome.

@oldFoolMe - what about my other points - about how tiring it is to do childcare when you are in your older years - much harder than it is when you are a young parent. Or that many people in their 60s still have to work, due to the rising cost of living and the older pension age. Or the fact that grandparents have done their stint of childrearing, and deserve to enjoy a more relaxed retirement?

Your post seems to be all about the needs and wants of the parents, and shows little regard for the feelings or needs of the grandparents. We are people too, not just support units.

When I have grandchildren, I have no intention of providing regular/routine childcare. I want to spend my retirement on my terms, travelling, hobbies, relaxing or whatever I feel like doing on any particular day. I foresee being available and would enjoy occasional childcare. Chances are my children/grandchildren will be living in a different area to me anyway which would make regular childcare difficult.

We had absolutely no childcare from any of our parents ourselves, partly due to distance but my children saw/see their grandparents regularly and they have a regular bond. Not super close but close iykwim.

We reap what we sow. Your mother wasn’t hands-on with your children and then wonders why they are not close to her. You could explain that to her. She had every right to not want to offer childcare but she can’t expect now to be doted upon.