AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

I am early 50's and am structuring my next 5-10 years around being able to reduce hours so i can offer childcare for my (fingers crossed) multiple grandchildren. I definitely agree that there is a difference in the relationships my own children have had with two separate sets of GP's and how it affects their future relationships.

Despite all that i still think you are being unreasonable to expect anything and try to guilt trip anyone into free childcare. Any parent who decides to have a child should not expect anything in this regard.

As I pointed out in an earlier post, however, grandparents providing regular childcare is no guarantee that their adult grandchildren will give a shit about them. I described how, despite having minded their grandchildren on a weekly basis (and whole weekends), two of them as adults didn't bother with their grandparents for years, despite living in the same village. Not even when their grandparents were dying.

Some kids turn out to be as selfish as their parents.

You’re not a grandparent, so you’re not talking from experience.

I have my own life, times have changed, many of us were still working, and many of us don’t want to do child rearing again.

If people want children, then they need to work it all out first. 🤷‍♀️

Christ another one! WTF is going on here? MN seems to be full of threads about grandmothers providing childcare or not and if not why not. Or about men who are generally selfish lazy pricks!!

anyway to answer the question I found raising young children and teens quite hard and I’m not out of the woods yet.
At granny stage I’d love to do occasional babysitting and take them for a w/e if parents went away and generally enjoy them as much as possible BUT I do not want to be regular weekly childcare - that will scupper the other plans I have when the time comes! Lovely retirement plans with DH!! But can’t we be doting grandparents too without the childcare element??

Can't be bothered to read as there are many threads on the subject.
But... grandparents often want to live their own lives and not go through the child rearing thing again, health problems as you get older, we aren't all sky driiving and running marathons into our 60's and the universally hated reason - kids have parents to look after them, don't have kids if you have to constantly rely on family to look after them.
The 'don't be available for them when they get older doesn't wash either with me.
I'm not expecting my kids to look after me when I'm old and half dead because I've told them I'm topping myself when my chronic condition starts to become a problemfor me. They don't like it but know that's my choice.

Well, I agree with you. It has nothing to do with helping with childcare, which is literally the point of this thread.

Many, many, loving, engaged, decent grandparents are unable or unwilling to provide childcare. And that is perfectly fine.

Whether or not a grandparent is willing or able to provide childcare should not be used as a proxy measure for whether or not they are good grandparents as the two are not the same thing, nor as a measure of what kind of long term relationship they will have with their grandchildren.

I am not conflating anything. If a grandparent commits to spending quality time with a child they will have a good relationship generally with that child. That positive time doesn't need to be as the person providing childcare. It can literally be sat down playing them, chatting to them,days out etc with them. It doesnt need to be daily but positive and enjoyable for both.

I am guessing your grandparents were very engaged and interested in you when they saw you? If so the relationship will be good.

But you don't have to commit to providing unpaid regular childcare in order to see your grandchildren (and hopefully children too) for a few hours once or twice a week.

You are conflating grandparents who don't want to commit to being regular, unpaid childcare with grandparents who don't want to spend time with their grandchildren.

Most grandparents who don't want to or don't feel able to offer childcare do still want to spend time with their families, and are good loving grandparents.

Some grandparents are shit, but that doesn't correlate to their desire or their ability to be unpaid childcare.

Nonsense. I only saw my grandparents 3 or 4 times a year as a child in the 70s and 80s as we lived aboard and then they didn’t have cars and lived a fair bit away. I adored them.

Rubbish and women need to stop using this threat. I only saw my gran once or twice a year, and I absolutely adored her because she always ensured we had a great time when we saw her. You get out what you put into a relationship, its not based on how much free labour you provide for someones parents.

Transactional relationships are never a good idea.

Nonsense

No it doesnt. I actually dont think and grandparents should be bringing up grandkids part time let alone full time unless necessary (parent illnesses, death etc). Even if we had that offer of help I wouldn't take it. I have often found grandparents that do offer that level of help enable poor parenting decisions or feel pushed into. Neither are positive for kids.

However never caring for your grandkids, spending little time with them, not engaging with them on the occasions that you do see them does mean the relationship has not been built so as the kids become older they show little interest in those grandparents. I think grandparents often get out what they put in. A grandparent can see a grandchild twice a week for a short time, engage with them, play with them and enjoy there company and still have a great relationship with them.

Yes absolutely. My teen dc often pops over to my Mil because they are close to her. Nowadays no baby-sitter involved but she was a rock when I was in hospital, had to take dc to medical appointments (fetched the other one from school etc). They love her dearly because she's a part of their lives and always has been.

Do you think someone actually enjoys helping their elderly parent out with house work, shopping, medical appointments, technology etc? You do it because you're family and you care for the person. I can't imagine seeing my children working hard and being worn down and not helping them out if I am capable of doing so. Also, even if it's "work", gc are a joy to many gps.

Just hope that you don't see anything wrong with your children telling you they "don't feel like it" whenever you need help..

@Fundays12 "I think grandparents who have spent little time with grandkids need to realise those grandkids will not be interested in them long term."

But that's not what this thread is all about. Nobody would dispute the fact that if grandparents show no interest in their grandkids, then it works both ways. Likewise with any relative. But showing an interest in your grandkids doesn't equate to offering full time childcare does it? And if they basically don't bring up, or at least partially raise their grandkids, then they can expect and in fact deserve to be unloved and ignored? I loved my grandparents and had joyous times with them but they didn't bring me up.

The cost of living crisis applies to grandparents too. Especially when your income is fixed. This morning I’ve had to choose between booking at the dentist for a filling or a visit to the hygienist. Both at the same time aren’t possible.

yes, life is weighing most people down now days. That is true. Its a sad situation to be honest.

Some grandparents are more hands on than others. I am assure you some grandparents would rather not spend much time with there grandkids (seeing every 3 weeks or so seems enough) and some grandparents are only really interested in the golden child's kids which comes at the expense of the rest of the grandchildren relationship with them.

Unfortunately this is my kids experience and its why the older ones have no interest now in there grandparents. My kids lucked out badly with grandparents

For us it's basically the distance. Mine and DH's parents aren't local to us and for both of us our grandparents weren't local to us growing up either. So there's never been a 'popping round' sort of relationship.

MIL is happy to do holiday childcare but the logistics are difficult as the public transport is many changes and she won't drive long distance. FIL is prepared to do the driving but won't get involved with DC at all.

Also we had DC quite late, she is over 80 with some mobility issues now and finds DC too tiring.

Another issue is that the DC both have SEND (neurodivergent) and both sets of grandparents have some rather outdated and controversial opinions about parenting kids with ND/SEND, which can make the whole thing rather strained. The distance plays into this as well, as they don't see DC enough to really understand what our day to day life looks like.

I don't think grand parents don't want to spend time with their grandkids? They just don't want or feel able to work as unpaid childcare into their old age after long working lives. I'm sure most grandparents would love to visit/be visited by their family regularly or go on holidays/days out with them so they can see their children and their grandchildren. They just don't want to take on the role of unpaid childcarers.

But it usually is. I know lots of grandparents who are basically being de facto parents. Obviously it won't be in perpetuity because they're going to drop dead before their adult children. Probably sooner rather than later due to the amount of stress and work landed on them at their age.

And again with the emotional blackmail, @Fundays12.

I think grandparents who have spent little time with grandkids need to realise those grandkids will not be interested in them long term. 2 out of 3 of my kids have already lost all interest in there grandparents because neither set have shown much interest in them. The youngest will go the same way in the next 2 years most likely.